My Cerebral Cortex

Sorry To Leave You Hanging...

2006-07-10T14:08:00.001-07:00

I couldn't continue this. It was too hard. With the way our relationship was going. Now we're going to be getting divorced.

I went on to wait for him. I had our lovely baby. He got extended. Extended again. He finally came home. His homecoming was the greatest day of my life.

The day I found out he was on Kuwaiti soil and out of harm's way (and really on his way back) I dropped to my knees and praised God with tears running down my face and my hands to the sky.

Now we're done. You can access my new blog by clicking the link to the left.

Day 49- The War Has Begun.

2006-03-18T21:51:00.000-08:00

Letter #30
Day 49
Wednesday, 19Mar03, 1:10PM PST, Evidence Class

Hi Cutie Pie. Damn it’s hard to sit still. I want to know what’s going on. Where are you and what are you doing? This is tough. Today I sent out an email asking people again to pray for you. I am going to print out peoples’ replies to that so you can read them. It’s cool. Today I don’t know what to say. It’s that kind of day. I pray for you every day.

Fuck. It’s like 1:15- 3 hours and 45 minutes left until the deadline. Ok, it’s ok- this means you’ll be home soon. SOON! That is so cool!

Let me tell you how the news is. You hear one report and you’re really happy and hopeful. You hear the next, and you’re scared to death. And so my 49 days have gone. Especially the past two or three.

I wish I could talk to you. I know I can’t until your job is done. I am so proud of you.

Here everyone is pulling for you guys. Even people against the war are behind the troops. You have so much support. I love you so much. ____ loves you and so does our baby. You have a daughter. Woo hoo! That’s what you’ve wanted! I wonder if she’ll be like me…a big pain in your ass…haha. Damn…haha.

Tonight someone gets voted off “American Idol”. I’d tell you more about it but you don’t know the contestant except that Marine and he did a good job- he’s not going to get kicked off this week.

I went to the doctor yesterday. Heard ____’s little heartbeat. He said she’s transverse but it doesn’t matter cause I’m having a c-section. Also, she moves a lot so they know she’s fine. I want you to see and feel my stomach moving. You will. Woo hoo!!!

Let me tell you how crazy I am- I was tempted to start emailing people who piss me off a quick “fuck you.” Haha! I had to hold myself back. Instead I wrote the prayer request to everyone. Better route, huh? Oh and I have a yellow ribbon in my bio/profile on The Knot now. Yay! I love you! I love you!

I hope I get mail from you today. I got three on Monday! Yay! I love it. I told your mom I’ve gotten 16 letters from you and she said, “Wow, he must really love you a lot.” Yeah! Ya do! We are going to have the greatest and strongest marriage ever!

I’m so glad you’re staying close to God. I ask Him every night to stay close to you, comfort you, and bring you home safely.

It’s going to be crazy when Bush speaks again. I wonder when that will be. It could be tonight. See this letter sucks. I’m too somber to even be normal.

Today I’m wearing an old maternity shirt I wore with ____. It stinks, I didn’t realize it smells like baby formula. Ugh!

That lady Karen invited us to dinner at her house again next weekend. I’ll probably go because we had a good time last time.

I adore you my ____y Boy. There is a song from church that says that God knows our name, sees each tear that falls and hears us when we call.

I am so wound up. Anticipation, fear, waiting- all the things I’m sure you’re going through. I tried to look up your unit to see if you’re headed toward the border. They didn’t say. On the Internet I’ve found sites that have mentioned units by name, like 101st Airborne and 82nd, but I didn’t see you. Actually, Oliver North is with the Marines that parachute in. I know that’s not you guys though. Maybe you’re not headed in yet??? I hope.

I’m looking at my beautiful ring. I love that you have yours too. That is so cool. We were playing with the ____ action figure last night. Lol. He’s a Corpsman. He sits on the sidelines while the other action figures fight. ___ says that ___ can’t help the bad guys, just the good. It’s awesome! He’s HM3 Action Figure!

Damn Corporations class is next. Yuck. Soon it will be April. Wow! Time does keep on going, doesn’t it? Strange.

I wonder if…there’s any way…you could be home by Easter?!?! April 20??? Hmmm…That would be day 79…32 days from now…MAYBE! MAYBE! MAYBE! Last year was great. We went to San Diego over Easter weekend, remember? We stayed at the Doubletree and discovered Trophy’s. Yum! Then church on Easter. It was awesome!

Oh I just love you so much. So many great things. I miss you. Life sucks without you here. Totally.

Donna wants to babysit on my b-day so we can do something! Know you’ll be back by then since it’s not until July. That would be cool! What do you want to do? It’s on a Monday so maybe that weekend before we can. The baby will be too young to leave her with anyone though. Maybe we could stay home and do something romantic…what is your opinion? I’ll still be in BAD shape. My staples might even still be in. EWW. The baby will only be a week old. Aww. How cute! Maybe we can order food and cake and get a movie. You know what? I don’t give a rat WHAT we do, as long as we’re together. That is all that’s important anymore. Being together. It is sooo special. Wow, it is SOOOOOOO special! I ADORE you! My husband. My dear, sweet, beautiful, husband. My perfect husband.

Yay! I’m so glad we talked on the 1st. that was such an awesome thing. We got to talk for an hour- so great. We talked as if we were always talking. You know what I mean? It was great.

At 5 PM, the 48 hours are up. Man. I talk too much. Haha. No big baby kicks today, just movement. ____ drew a really cute picture of Bozo. I like your thought of him protecting us. That’s so cool. I really like that. Poor doggie.

I can’t wait to see you again. Wow…that will be SO great. SO perfect. SO joyous. I can’t wait! I’m going to go insane. INSANE!!!

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
____ ____
P.S.
The Shell on the corner is now at $2.24, can you believe it?

At 5PM Pacific Standard time, the 48 hours Bush had given Saddam Hussein had expired. At about 6:30 PM, about 40 Tomahawk cruise missiles and F-117 stealth fighters begin dropping bombs against a "target of opportunity" near Baghdad, believed to include high-ranking Iraqi leaders.

The war had begun.

I’m sitting in my usual seat, on the big couch in my living room, with CNN blaring, and am online. It’s the same thing I do every night. Tonight is wrought with extra fear and anticipation pending Bush’s deadline, and now I’m keeping an extra-keen eye on the television. It cuts to Baghdad- to a very dark, greenish, grainy picture of war. Bombs going off. Life stops. War.

“Oh my God! It started!” I cry, a high-pitched and hysterical cry. I pick up the phone and call my parents.

“It started! It started!” By now I’m crying hysterically.

“What? No it didn’t. Not yet. Where did you see this?” Asks my father. “We’re
watching MSNBC. Nothing has happened”, he says.”

“Turn on CNN!”

“Oh, okay. I see. Well, we knew it was going to start. So let’s hope and pray it’s quick and easy for them. That’s all we can do. Okay?” He sounds somber, steady, and calm. He is trying to keep me level.

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Bye.”

_____ ambles and looks at the TV. “Don’t worry mom. ____’s team will win.” How precious. I break into more tears and utter something back to him. I tell him we should light a candle outside on the balcony so we do so. It such a surreal and powerless moment that just seems like the thing to do- maybe the only thing we can do right then to show some form of expression.

My mom calls right back and tries to console me.

“Let’s just keep praying for ____y.”, her voice is filled with tears, “and all of our boys and girls who are over there. God bless them all.”

“Yeah.” I am not showing my feelings to her. I don’t feel like gushing to her at the moment and I want to get off the phone.

“Okay honey. Call back if you need anything.”

“Bye.”

I try to chat online with my online friends for a bit and we console each other as much as is possible. It is absolutely chilling.

Day 48

2006-03-18T21:50:00.000-08:00

Day 48- No Letter

Day 47

2006-03-18T21:48:00.000-08:00

Letter #29
Day 47
Monday, 17Mar03, 11:30AM PST, tax class

Hi Sweetie. How are you? Bush is making a speech tonight at 5PM my time. Nerve wracking. I just don’t even know what to say anymore.

My friend Tawny at school saw me today and asked if I had a minute. She took me to her locker and gave me a basket! I can’t believe it! That is SO sweet and nice. In it there was a Butterfinger, Famous Amos cookies, water in a blue bottle, Ghirardelli chocolate squares, an Eeyore, lotion, a candle, gum, and a card. It’s basically a friendship care package! The card said she is my friend and if I need anything, etc. Wow! I don’t even know her that well. Out of all my “good friends” no one has done anything even remotely similar. My other friends are lame! Wow, that was really, really nice of her! I’ll have to write her a thank you note.

After the doctor I’ll go home, watch the news and sleep. I didn’t watch “Anna Nicole” last night. I went to bed. But I woke up super early, all anxious for you to come home, hoping that all of this will be over in a flash. I was getting so excited you wouldn’t believe!

I’m bored in class already. Soon you’ll be home. I know it. I’m going to have to get my ass in gear. Haha!

I like going on my message board. We “flame” people on The Knot who are selfish like “oh, a war is coming- will the price of flowers for my wedding go up?” We ream them. Poor unsuspecting girls. “Our husbands are over there, etc.” That’s not all we do though, that’s just a side task. I put up a post this morning, bitching that Tara wrote me an email this morning and all it said was “Anything new?” Yeah, you dumb bitch. My husband is about to go to war, any hour now. Watch the news much??? If I wrote about that on “The Knot”, Tara would get some sympathy. “Oh, she doesn’t know what to say…” On my board *I* get sympathy against damn fools like her! Ha! I SO wanted to reply in a snappy way. But I think I’ll just ignore it altogether. She’s dumb and oblivious. People just don’t get it. Really. It’s a good thing I have the internet, see?

____’s moving around now. I hope I get mail from you today. I love it. It’s so great.

_____, I’m considering it the big countdown to your return! Woo hoo! I can’t wait! Yay! I really believe you’ll be back by ___’s b-day! Yay! Wow, if you get home before the baby is born, ____ will still have school so we can take him to school and have days to ourselves. His last day isn’t until June 30! So hurry back! I haven’t seen you in 47 days. I haven’t talked to you in 17 days. Wow.

I’m wondering if they will send you in. I’m remembering how Ted said he didn’t go in. How will I know? I’m just going to assume you are. This is all so crazy. I never would have thought this would be happening- Never. I can’t wait until we can talk in person. I’m sure you have a lot to say. I don’t. because I write it all! You know everything. I’m just going to stick to you- stare and cling.

I just ate lunch. I went to watch TV. April and Ted were in the lounge. They were nice. I didn’t see anything new. Still just waiting for tonight’s speech. I love you so much. I can’t wait for things to get more normal again. I want you back here! I can’t wait! I speak positively- sometimes I wonder if people think I’m oblivious- you know damn well I’m not. I’m going crazy with fear here. But I know you’ll be back. Soon! Woo hoo!

I’m in Evidence right now by the way. I need to go get my midterm. I’m sure it’s not a good grade. My stomach is totally obvious now. There’s no way anyone could look at me and not know I’m pregnant. Yay!!! I’m pregnant!!! Ok, I just had to get that out. Lol. Your mom wrote you a letter. I don’t know if she mailed it yet. I guess I’m doing the writing here for all. You only need me anyway. I’ll be there for you forever. I’ll be your best friend forever too. I started going crazy this morning thinking about when you get back. I have so many ideas about what to do! I was about to start running around in excitement.

Your pics are my wallpaper and screen saver. I just made myself look at a few. Then I couldn’t take it anymore. I usually only look at pictures of you from my peripheral vision. I can’t handle it. That’s how bad I am. It hurts so much.

I wonder what # letter I will get up to. This is # 29. If you’re there two more months…that’s 60! Wow! That’s a lot!

I have a question. Do you want to have ___ christened in a Catholic church or should we have her dedicated at Shepherd? I will leave this up to you, as I am with many ___ issues because she is our baby I am dedicating to you. She is little baby _____y. Either way, who would you like her Godparents to be? This is your call as well. So think about it.

I wonder if they stopped delivering mail to you. I hope not. I hope you got a letter today. Maybe the one I mailed on 3/8…with pictures inside! Now I’m in Corporations. I just heard that in the 1st Gulf War, the ground war was only four days! Man! That gives me so much hope! Yippee! On Wednesday I’ll get my Evidence midterm. Not today. Today I’m zooming off so I can get home in time for the ever-looming speech.

Oh how I love you! I adore you and I’m really proud of you! I just had the nerve to pass Ted a note! I asked him if they will still deliver mail. He said yes. It might be delayed if your unit is pinned down somewhere but that mail comes with the other combat supplies! Yay! Yay! I’m glad I asked. I’m getting more ballsy as I have more and more of a desperation to know stuff.
My pals here are nicer than my “real friends” you know that? I’m interested to see just who contacts me when this thing gets rolling. Whatever! You’ll be home soon and that’s
all that matters!

On the news I saw guys pouring water on their heads- you must be so hot. It made me feel horrible. I so feel for you. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. You are my hero though; I hope you are fully aware of that. Time for me to go honey. I love you and miss you.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
____ ____

The main thrust of Bush’s speech is that Saddam refuses to cooperate with the U.N. and is posing an imminent world danger. “Saddam Hussein and his sons must leave Iraq within 48 hours.”, he said. “ Their refusal to do so will result in military conflict commenced at a time of our choosing.”

Day 46

2006-03-18T21:46:00.000-08:00

Letter #28
DAY 46
Sunday, 16Mar03-12:03PM PST, Our bed

Hey my cutie. Well, I guess war will be starting tomorrow or Tuesday. The real moment of truth for everyone. I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re not too scared. I hope you feel prepared and that you keep God close to your heart. I know you will. I keep listening for ways to not be as scared (on TV) and I try to think about reasons everything will be okay. I adore you. I hope you fully realize that all that I mean when I say that.

Anyway, here is ____ playing Transformers and I’m laughing at their small heads like usual.

It’s hard for me to digest the fact that you will not read this until after a war has started, maybe finished. I know you didn’t fully expect this to happen. I can’t wait to celebrate your homecoming. You have NO IDEA! (Yeah you do). Maybe Saddam will go into exile tomorrow…just a hope.

_____ asked why there is all this talk about war. He doesn’t really know what it means. I know you’re going to be okay. I just know it.

Tomorrow I have damn school. I so don’t want to but I have to. People just don’t know what I’m going through. Maybe it’s my fault for not expressing myself? Whatever the case, I don’t care anymore. I’m living okay like this.

I have this dream that you’ll be back by May 19. I don’t know, I just think you’ll be back that day. That would be SO awesome! As long as you’re safe, all is good though. Great, I should say! It’s not raining today. It stopped last night. I hope I get more mail from you tomorrow. I hope I’m sending you enough.

Yesterday I came across the receipt from the Lodge at 29 Palms from where we stayed that night- 1/31/03- 44 days ago. Ouch. I put it in our box with your letters that I treasure.

____ called me a whale yesterday. Lol. He didn’t really mean it though. I cracked up. I know I have a whalish physique right now. Haha! I know you like thin things, but sorry! No thinness here right now! Haha! Yesterday ____ reminded me of when we went to the beach and you went for a swim and we buried you in the sand and then us. Remember? I’m happy he remembers things in such detail.

I don’t think I’ll send any other packages. You do your thing and then they’ll send you home and I will give you all I have in person. I love you and miss you and adore you.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
____ _____

On the board the consensus seems to be that this war is something that has to be done. I see their point. I just don’t quite agree.

One thing I see quite a bit of on the board is disgust with war protestors. Actually it’s hatred. They feel that their men are being denigrated by this. That doesn’t sit well with me at all. ____ and I talked about it before he left and I know that he would understand that there is a distinct difference between protesting a policy and an action and being against the troops.
There’s another girl on the board, “Oceanlvr”, who is far more outspoken about it than I am. She’s pointed out that dissent is patriotic and part of what our men serve to protect. She has also made a few arguments in favor of not going to war. I’ve posted a few times that I agree with her. She has not been very well received. As far as going against the grain of the board, that was it. No one else has disagreed with the “board majority” much. At least no one else has claimed it if they did. It’s not something that bothers me too much right now because politics don’t come up all that often, and I’m getting a very necessary need met there, which is that I’ve found friends who actually understand what I’m going though. So far, there hasn’t been any overt indication that differing opinions aren’t welcome, though they do seem unpopular.

Day 43

2006-03-18T21:44:00.000-08:00

Letter #27
Day 42
Friday, 14Mar03, 5:14PST, S. Weddington Park

Hi Cutie. I miss you. We’re at practice. ____ always looks so cute and innocent at baseball.

It’s a little chilly. I’m miserable. I miss you. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m scared, lonely, sad. It’s been six weeks. Wow. Didn’t do much today. Same…slept and watched the news. I wish you could call me. I’m so sad like this. I hate it.

Today they are having all the parents helping coach. I’m afraid ____ isn’t getting proper attention since I’m not out there. It’s not fair. I’m not a coach and I can’t risk having a ball hit me in the stomach. Ok, good. He’s getting a turn.

Some movies that look good are coming out. I’m sure I won’t see any.

Tonight I cooked pasta for the FIRST TIME since you left. No sauce- just butter. I told you I’m not really living! Everything is on hold here until you get back.

_____ needs some baseball help. Lol. This summer we can work on it. I want to do so much with you. Think about what you want to do too. There’s no way I can go to Mo’s on a Friday, I haven’t been there at all actually, But on a Friday it will remind me of us when I see all of the cars across the street at Bob’s. Everything reminds me of you.

The Shell station on the corner is now $2.20. Since yesterday it went up .04.

One dad here is a real ass. I haven’t liked him since Day 1. He has an attitude. Like, every time _____ misses the ball he gets this annoyed look on his face. He can bite my ass.

I haven’t talked to you in 14 days now. I know if there’s any way for you to call me you will. But still I must say: Please call me!

Baby ____ kicks around for you all the time now. If you were here, you’d be pitching, then we’d go to Mo’s, then go see the cars at Bob’s, then home and watch comedy together. Instead it’s just me.

Tomorrow after church I’m having dinner at my parents’ house. Have I told you that after church is one of the hardest parts of my week? It is. Cause you were always there at that
time and it is just this immensely lonely process driving home. Practice is over. I’ll write more later. I so adore you. I love you.

DAY 45

Hi there. It’s pouring today, thunder and lightning too. No game today cause of it. It appears that you got paid $720 before any deductions- loan, etc. You have about $1200 in there. But I’m going to have to use it for rent. The allotments never went through. Don’t get frustrated. I have been writing myself checks from your checkbook so I will have access to some money. Enough about all that.

I have no interest in people. I can’t stand any of my “friends”. All I want and need is God and my husband and two kids. We’ll be leaving for church soon. Even though it’s pouring, we’re definitely going.

It looks like a war is going to start on Monday. I’ve kind of resigned myself to the fact. I pray for miracles though. Just come home safely. I will take care of you in any way I can forever. I mean it.

This morning I kept imagining that one night in the rain we could get two bean bags and turn on the fire place and have hot cocoa by the fire covered in a blanket. We could talk and talk and then we’d get closer, I’m sure. I imagined it over and over again. I can’t wait.

I wonder when you’ll get to call me again. I am guessing in a month. Mid-April. By then maybe the war will be over and you can tell me when you’re coming home. I’m lonely for you. ____ misses you. He’s talked a lot about “_____y Boy” lately.

I’m fat and lazy. Monday I have school.

Once this thing starts I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep much, ____. Even as I write this I’m not so sure you’ll get it until after this military operation.

I love you so much and miss you terribly. You are my life. You are our babies’ lives too. Not just these two but any others we will have in the future. OK? I adore you. I am in a constant state of heartache being away from you. When I get to see you again, I’m going to lose control. I’m going to go insane praising the Lord. I don’t think I’ll be able to stand up! I think about the day I get to go get you. I want to come alone I think. One the drive there I’m going to be in hysterics-overload of emotion. I look forward to that day with every ounce of my being. And I’ll never let you out of my sight again! Haha! I have a feeling you won’t mind that. Also I think about how one day this will be in the past and how weird that is. All this fear and pain and trauma- in the past. It’s hard to imagine but I most certainly can’t wait for that either.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
____ _____

Many of the people involved in ____’s baseball team this season are inadvertently adding to my misery. It’s the fact that some of them don’t seem to give a rat’s ass about me or my son or our lives, which I haven’t experienced in a team setting before. The other team ____ was on was SO different. Everyone was so nice. I actually made some friends! Here, some of them are very pompous, which annoys the living crap out of me. I get this feeling that they think they are “upper class” or something. They don’t know who else anyone is on the team or what their circumstances are to be judging whether they are more “upper class” than anyone else! Sadly, they don’t want to know what anyone else’s life is all about. They only care about themselves. I want to give them a piece of my mind sometimes but decided but have so far decided that I have more important things on my mind than their petty social structures. They make me sick.

Day 42

2006-03-18T21:40:00.000-08:00

Letter #26
Day 42
Thursday, 13Mar03, 5:00PM PST, Big couch

Hi baby, how are you? I’m a little down today. I just have that heavy, bleak feeling right now. I miss you so much and life is so bland. It’s like a chore. Writing to you will make me feel better. I need to buy new stationery. Sorry about the boring paper.

So, do you remember the whole Elizabeth Smart ordeal? Teen who got kidnapped from her home in Utah 9 months ago? She was found alive yesterday! Amazing! Some weirdo had her this whole time. It’s really a miracle.

Last night I went into my board’s chat room. I’ve never done that before. It was very fun, so nice to talk to those girls. I will have to do that again. It livened me up a bit. But get
this: One girl said that c-sections are a way to get you home! I’m going to check into that. Maybe you can ask around too?

I’m kind of thinking you won’t be able to call me again until after things are all over. Damn. I need to talk to you. I miss you and love you so much. You are having bad weather there from what I hear. I’m so sorry to hear that. Hot and sand storms. That so sucks. I’m so sorry for you. I love you so much. I’m so tired of this. I know you are too. It’s getting really old really fast. I’m so looking forward to seeing and being with you.

I slept the whole time _____ was in school today. Your mom got your letter yesterday and was happy about it.

____ is a very active little girl in my belly. She wants you!

My ten-year reunion is in June. No way am I going! I’ll be about to pop by then! I wanted to go, but oh well.

No letters today, but I’ve been lucky to get a lot lately.

_____ is watching a show before “Dragonball Z”- it’s not “Dragonball”- they changed the lineup. Tonight, TV sucks. “Jamie Kennedy”is on but it’s reruns. No good reality shows.

I miss you so much. I’m huge. It’s not too bad yet- I can still get around fine. I’m 24 weeks now! Officially near the 3rd trimester!

I hope I get more mail from you tomorrow. Tomorrow _____ has baseball practice and his first game is Saturday. Of course I’m not that into it- I just want you there too. I feel totally blah.

Since I haven’t done anything, I don’t have much to say. But I’ve had a lot of sex dreams about us lately. It’s extremely frustrating to realize you’re not there and won’t be.

It’s going to rain again this weekend. Strange.

Gas prices go up every day, On the corner there at Shell it’s $2.16. Crazy. You’d be annoyed.

_____ is a cute puppy monkey. His behavior at school has been pretty good. He got 3 stars today. He’s been getting all 3s and 4s. He wanted me to tell you that. It’s not too too bad.

_____, I wish we had gotten married already. I’m so sorry. I really am. What was I thinking? None of it matters to me anymore. I’m serious. I don’t care about anything I used to. I just want to be married to you- that’s IT. We could get married in a garage for all I care. I just want us to be married. I know we are married in our hearts for real, but still…you know? Ok, November 7 will be here soon.

I miss you my honey! I can’t wait for the four of us to all be together on a Sunday morning or something, just relaxing and having fun. Man, I can’t wait. I think about the last night we were together too. All of it hurts. How are you holding up? I can’t imagine how hard it must be. I give you so much credit. You are amazing.

Monday I have to go back to school. Damn. But it’s almost over I guess.

I think _____ is getting a bit more excited about having a sister. We talk about her. We talk about you too of course- a lot. But it upsets me sometimes because I miss you so much. I love you so much my honey.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
____ _____

Day 40

2006-03-11T14:31:00.000-08:00

Letter #25
Day 40
Tuesday, 11Mar03- 4:55PM PST, our bed

Today on my message board I read that there will be a day after which no more phones, mail, etc. Now whenever I write I’m going to wonder if it will get there before things start. Do they read and screen the outgoing mail?

Today I got two more letters from you! It’s great!...I LOVE my letters addressed to ____ ____! Yay! And YES, Nov. 7 I am marrying you for sure! I can’t wait! These letters are my journal too, by the way. These are all I write- everything’s in them.

I like that a 2nd Grader wrote to you. That is so special! I’m still hoping for another phone call, but at least I’m getting letters now. It feels like real communication, doesn’t it? Nothing like that hour-long phone call eleven days ago though…

Tonight is the beginning of the top 12 in “American Idol”.(Now each week one contestant gets eliminated).

Still, if there’s any way to break a bone so they will move you to admin, please do it. PLEASE! If they still give mail, you should get this around the 21st or so…if things haven’t started PLEASE see what you can do about this.

I wear my yellow pin everywhere. Like I said, I’ll stop when you touch me and I see your face again.

I’m sorry I didn’t send a camera. Now I don’t know if I should. Did you get at least package 1 yet? There are two.

My heart is injured…only your safe return can mend it. I’d sacrifice anything for that. I adore you. Thanks for the great letters. A lot of them are funny! I miss you sooo much, I love you.
“Don’t forget in times of darkness what He has shown you in times of light.”

____ is kicking- she wants me to tell you hi! Hi daddy! ____ is enjoying all of your letters too.
My cell phone says “____y’s Wife” now.

PART 2 OF LETTER 25

_____ loves watching “Everybody Loves Raymond” at 7:30 with me now. It’s great. We just ordered Pink Dot- we’re going to eat and watch “American Idol”. He’s a pal. Cute round face.

We have a little action figure in camis and we call him _____. Tonight we were playing with him and others (like Batman, Spiderman, etc.) and he said _____ was fixing the guys who get hurt by the bad guys. He really surprises me sometimes. He listens. We’re both really, really proud of you.

Anyway, gas prices are insane here now. The average is $2.07. I’ve seen $2.15 a lot. Can you believe it?

I really like getting letters from you after you’ve gotten mine. It is so great. I’m glad you enjoy my letters. That makes me so happy. And you wanted letters once a week!

Beardog is lying next to me right now. He’s my cutie stuffed animal. I think he’s dusty though. He makes me sneeze. Lol.

Baby ____ has been moving a lot for the past two days. Oh, you would love these Raymond episodes. We have to watch them together. Soooo funny and right on about relationships! I know you’d totally enjoy it!

Tomorrow, I’ll probably sleep a bunch again. Might as well enjoy my spring break! Sleeping is the only enjoyable thing right now. When you get home I want to do so much with you! I’ll do whatever you want for five years! How’s that? As long as I’m with you I’ll be ecstatic.

_____ just told me to tell you, “I like grown-up shows a lot!” Hehehe. Now he said “And “Dragonball Z” is a little different.”

All you need is God, me, _____, and our baby. I know you know that. We all just need each other and God.

“American Idol” is going to start now. It’s a two-hour special. Our food is not here yet, but I’d better go. Oh how I wish you could call me!

Well, we all adore you. You are our daddy-husband. We need you. Love you SO much, you just don’t know (oh yes, you do. You feel the same way. Wow.) That is so awesome!

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____ _____

The girls from my board and I have been having fun since we figured out how to get into the board chat room. A bunch of us met in there and got to know each other. I quickly determined who I clicked with and who didn’t really seem to get me. One girl in particular made me feel horrible when she completely mistook my hyperactivity for something else (I don’t know what) and got snippy with me. It really cut me down to size. I was just being silly because a lot of times on these message boards people from the east coast forget that people from the west coast haven’t seen all of the prime time shows yet, and they post “spoilers” in the titles of their posts. Some of us were warning people not to mention who got kicked off on “American Idol” and I got carried away being “mock angry” about the east coasters. I was totally joking though, and I think everyone else knew it. But oh well.

I really like this cheerful, sweet girl in Texas. Her name is Mindy. She's the 18-year-old, but is mature beyond her years. I look forward to talking to her. She is a Christian and she is very uplifting to talk to. Her fiance has a cell phone so they talk on the phone every now and then. She's so lucky. His job is far different from ____'s though, so while the circumstances are similar enough to have tons in common, they are different enough to have huge discrepencies like that.

I look forward to going into that chat room at night immensely. It’s the only time of day when I actually smile and even laugh. These girls make me laugh, which is no small feat. So logging on is a huge part of my life and, right now, my only social outlet.

Day 39

2006-03-11T14:21:00.000-08:00

Letter #24
Day 39
Monday, 10Mar03-5:52PM PST- My parents’ big couch

In one of your letters, you said you wish you could send me something so I can have a piece of you…pie. I have your BABY hanging out in my belly! It’s the BEST! I feel her moving every day.

OH _____! It’s CAMP COYOTE! They just showed a commercial for what’s coming!!! I’ll look for you. I’ll tell you what they say. OH!!! Is 1st Marine Expedition all of California Marines? I don’t remember what you told me, damn.

I wish you would be able to call me soon. But the letters are totally great, wow. I adore you so much. After we watch the Peter Jennings thing in a minute I’m going to shower _____, but I’ll be back. OK, It’s starting… they didn’t show you. Damn.

You should get in good w/ the media people! So they said they call it the “line of departure”, the place you are suppose to cross over from. General Conway and Colonel Groen talked. They showed LAVS (lightly armored vehicles). I’m assuming that is what you called “clown cars”? I don’t know- now I’m scared again. Watching TV scares me. I don’t know…

_____- this is the scariest thing ever. I trust God completely- but I still get panicky sometimes. How about you? I WISH TO GOD I could do something to make you come home- you have no idea. But I pray every day. Oh, they showed church services on that Peter Jennings show tonight too…

I love our baby, ____y. She is so cute! …

I can’t wait until tomorrow to hopefully get more mail from you. I love it.

Oh, I read an article today that said as of today you are on Zulu time??? I really didn’t even know what that was, to tell you the truth. So now you are 8 hrs ahead instead of 11…hm…Now when I think of you I don’t know which time to think of. Now it’s 7:15PM here…So is it 6:15AM there OR 3:15AM??? Yikes. That’s a huge difference! It’s so confusing.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,

_____ _____

Even though I’ve been dying for another phone call, it’s beginning to sink in that I might not be getting one until _____ is done with his job there. I feel like I’ve almost stopped waiting for one on some level. I know I have to be strong and put all of my faith, energy and determination into getting through whatever it is that’s about to occur, and then I’ll get my phone call and my _____y back. I know he has gone there to do a job, and the time is nearing that he will likely have to do that job. All I have to do is hang on through that, and I’ll get him back.

Day 38

2006-03-09T20:42:00.000-08:00

Letter #23
Day 38
Sunday, 09Mar03- 3:34PM-Our bed

I’ve lost it again this afternoon. All I can do is sob. I miss you so much.

This morning before I got up guess what I heard??? THE NOSE BLOWER! He’s back! Remember how we used to hear him at all hours of the day and night blowing his damn nose in the shower from all the way in the building next door!?!? I was thinking he was either in jail or deployed. Haha!

Yesterday I couldn’t find a photo booth so I bought a Polaroid. The pics I sent aren’t great but it’s something. I wanted to make sure you could see the yellow pin I wear.

Today was opening ceremonies for baseball. You missed last year too (field). I remember that. I took a picture of _____ in his uniform in front of our door so you can see the ribbon and his Royals uniform. I found myself being bitter today when I saw husbands and wives together. I don’t like being like that.

Doing anything at all has lost its luster. Life is so bleak and drab and difficult to face without you here. I have spring break this week. I’m hoping you get to call me again soon. I adore you so much. This is Day 38. I hope not too many more. I trust in God so much. I can’t wait until you’re back home safe and sound where you belong, with your family.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____ _____

Day 37

2006-03-08T21:32:00.000-08:00

Letter #22
Day 37
Saturday, 08Mar03, 1:42PM- big couch

Hi Baby Love!!! I got five letters from you today!!! It put me in a good mood. I really laughed at the part where you said that they were having modeling competitions! That is so funny and so cute! You will win a BUNCH, I’m sure- just do the _____ dance and walk the catwalk!

I was surprised to hear about the weather- but I just saw on TV that you’ve been having MORE sandstorms! Wow! What exactly IS a sandstorm? I’m picturing it just raining sand?!?! Crazy!

So you get to take showers here and there, huh? Good. And you have church! That is so cool. What is it like? The Lord is so good. I know we both agree on that.

_____ is writing you a letter. He is telling me what he wants to say, then I’m spelling the words for him, then he is writing it. Very cute. Also, today when I came in with the five letters he was on our bed. I sat down and he turned off the TV to hear me read them out loud. It was so cute. So I read them out loud! It was great.

You know how you said you don’t care about material things anymore? Neither do I. All I pray for is your safe return. I could live in a cardboard box with you. As long as we’re together as a family that’s all I need and want. I will be happy for the rest of my life with just that. Oh I just love you so much. I thank God I have you.

Today I was telling _____ that when you get back, every week we will walk to coffee. He can ride his bike and we’ll push the baby in her stroller. It made me cry to tell him. I want that so much and I just can’t wait. I trust in God so much. He has given us so much.

I will try to write down two poems I wrote on 2/28…it was a low point. I figure I will let you read them even though I feel a lot better right now. Opening ceremonies for _____’s baseball is tomorrow morning. Closing ceremonies is June 7. I hope you’re back by then. I adore you. I just love and miss you so much. It’s been over a week now since we’ve talked. (I just looked on the internet- it would cost thousands to get over there. I want to come. I want to see you.)

DESCRIPTION OF MY LIFE POST-DEPLOYMENT OF MY SOULMATE _____ _____
Deep despair. Bleak dark existence.
Rhythmic pain inside my heart and chest.
Loss of control over the contours of my soul
Tears that well up as I turn each unoccupied corner,
sometimes even when others are around.
Excruciating bodily trauma within.
Barren atmosphere
Weakness ready to sweep me off my feet
And leave me unconscious on the ground from fainting
Powerlessness completely unfamiliar
No one around me can help
No one has any more power than I do
Only God.
But I cannot tell Him what to do
There is nothing I can do but pray
All I can do is double over in throbbing pain
And emit wails of grief and fear
And all I can do is to roll flash memories through
my mind-
Ones that hurt me.
2/28/03

_____ Being Away
I’ve never dwelled so deep and low inside of myself,
and I have often dwelled lower than most could ever know.
I’ve never brainstormed so actively
And repeatedly reached the result that I am back at square one.
I’ve never been so far out of control of my emotions
That I can be at any place at any time
And crumble to pieces-
Pieces of total weakness and total nothingness.
No amount of money, no intelligence, no connections, and no perseverance

Can heal me
Because none of those
Can change these circumstances.
Nothing is sweet.
The most I can feel is bittersweet,
Which hurts almost more than the sour.
What kind of existence is this?
And why didn’t I act while I could?
I would now.
2/28/03

Day 36

2006-03-08T21:31:00.000-08:00

Day 36: No letter

Day 35

2006-03-06T21:02:00.000-08:00

Thursday, 06Mar03-8:36PM-our bed (Day 35)

Hi sweetness. Right now I feel REALLY pregnant. My belly hurts. It’s being stretched out like crazy by a moving baby sweet.

Tonight Bush made a speech. Same crap. He didn’t say anything new. I don’t understand this. It’s becoming more and more clear that he really wants to go to war. I’m really becoming afraid that no matter what Saddam does to try to comply we will be going. I pray that I’m wrong. The whole thing scares me.

Also, STILL no _____y mail. I’m getting pissed! It’s already March 6!!! Hey, tomorrow is March 7- 8 months til our wedding! YAY!!!

Anyway, this is Day 35…I haven’t seen you in 35 Days. How long do you think they’ll make you stay after this thing is over? Approximate for me…a few weeks? A month?

Man this sucks. I’m bummed out. I’m wondering if I’ll get another call from you tomorrow. I did two weeks in a row! Oh, it felt good to talk to you last week. I hope you’re here when ____ is born. I just want you by my side. It will be very comforting. I just love you so much. You are the greatest. It’s hard to wait. I know you know that better than I do.

Oh, on “60 Minutes” last night it was the Army Bravo Co. How come they have a Bravo too?

Did you get that first package yet? I hope so. I adore you my love. I hope I can talk to you again soon and I HOPE I get a letter from you soon, although I’m losing hope on that- why do you think I haven’t gotten anything??? WAAA!

I love you sweetie. You are my soul, deep within my soul.

________________
I approach my mailbox, just like I do every day. My heart is beating out of my chest, and my palms are sweating. Inside my mailbox could be another huge letdown or something better than what Santa leaves under the tree on Christmas Eve.

I open the mailbox and there is only one letter there. The letter has what seemed to be blue checkered squares on the outer rim of the envelope. It looks like Air Mail. I excitedly take it out of the box. IT IS _____Y MAIL!!!!!!!!!

I start jumping up and down screaming and squealing at the top of my lungs for about 30 seconds before I run across the courtyard into my apartment, yelling, “_____! _____! A letter from ____!”
“A letter was there!?”
“Yes! Look!”
“Open it!”
“Okay.”
I sit down behind the front door and get comfortable on the floor in the hallway. I don’t know why I choose to read it right there. I read a few lines to myself, and then read them out loud to _____, paraphrasing or omitting where necessary.
I start laughing hysterically.
“What?” asked _____.
“_____ is so funny! Guess what they did? He said at nights they have a little talent show to pass the time where they all do their thing and then they judge each other. Whoever wins gets to sleep an extra 30 minutes the next morning. He danced.” I laughed.
“Did he win?” asked _____.
“No. He probably did the ____.” I giggled.
____ chuckled.
“_____ misses us very much. He will write again soon.” I start crying.
“Are you crying cause you miss _____?”
“Yeah."
__________________________

Friday- just to let you know, I FINALLY got a letter today. Of course it made me sob. Did you guys ever have a bible study? How come they don’t let you play Game Boy? I’m glad you are on automatic pilot- it’s the best thing for you.

This just hurts so much. And that day WAS one of the saddest ever. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, on so many levels. I pray for you every day. If there is ANY way, PLEASE do something to get yourself out of there. You are so precious and I adore you. I’ll write more tonight. I love you.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____ _____
_____________________________
The climate among the troops in Kuwait that I’ve seen interviewed has increasingly become, “Look, if this war is going to happen, let’s get it started so we can get home to our families.” I see the point of this, and one part of me feels the same way because I’ve heard a lot of talk about how this will be “in and out” and a “cake walk”. However, I’ve also heard that this could be the next Vietnam.

I don’t want there to be a war. So even though it’s tempting to hope we just could “get it over with” so I could see _____ soon, I have to go with the “I’ll wait for him” side of it because I know he’s relatively safe as long as he’s sitting on the Kuwaiti side of the border. The discomfort of the waiting is really harsh, but _____ is safe in the interim, which is really all I care about.

Day 34

2006-03-05T21:20:00.000-08:00

Letter #21
Day 34
Wednesday, 05Mar03-7:10PM-our bed

Hi Cutie Pie! Today my yellow ribbon pin arrived! And my mom put up the ribbon she made on our door! It’s a brown wicker heart about six inches, and a yellow chiffon ribbon over it, like the drawing I’ve enclosed. It’s much prettier than that, lol. I’m so proud of you! So I’m all ribboned now.

So- they are showing the Bravo Co on CBS II tonight- but it’s the Army I think. I’ll let you know though. …

I haven’t reset my mileage ever since that day you left- 1/31. It’s at 2,000 now. I’m not resetting it until you’re back. Every mile is a mile I drove in heartache, believe me. And I still use your shirt as a pillow case.

Still no letter from you (besides the first). It’s already day 34!

I’m hoping by mid-May you’ll be in my arms again. That would be GREAT! I’m hoping you get to call again soon. I hope like last time- from a pay phone and a long talk! It was so great to CONNECT with you after 29 days!

I don’t have anything else really interesting to tell you. I guess I’ll continue this letter tomorrow. I adore you, my soul mate.

Day 33

2006-03-05T21:18:00.000-08:00

Letter #20
Day 33
Tuesday, 04Mar03- 7:44PM our bed

Hi my cute! I am scared. The news scares the living crap out of me. They are saying war will be declared soon. I am praying it can be avoided. I need you safe. Why in the hell is this happening? I’m just really scared. I love you so much.

My mom made me a yellow ribbon for our front door. I haven’t seen it yet, but I can’t wait.

I still haven’t gotten a letter from you since that first one. Can you believe it? Sheer insanity! It’s already day 33!

Sleeping on my stomach is no longer possible. I can be at an angle but not straight on it. She moves around a lot, our cute baby!

We’re waiting for “American Idol” to start. It’s the Wild Card show- two more will be selected- it’s a second shot for nine people the judges thought were good but didn’t make it the first time. Entertaining!

I just adore you so much. I can’t WAIT to see you. I PRAY it will be SOON! Ever since I talked to Ted, I feel a little more positive and cheerful. I have hope that you’ll be back soon. I can’t wait! I want to be in your arms. I want to kiss you all up. I want to bite you all up too. I want our naked bodies to be all wrapped up in each others. And our naked souls too. We are going to have the best marriage ever!

Wow, my dad said he likes Bush but he’s against this war. I am shocked! It's so not like him! I’m proud of him! We’re ALL pro-troops but we want you home safely- no war bullshit. I adore you. I love you.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____ ______

Day 32

2006-03-05T21:16:00.000-08:00

Letter #19
Day 32
Monday, 03MarO3- 7:30PM-our bed

Today is 03/03/03-it’s supposed to represent the Holy Trinity- a day of prayer for our troops. So God Bless You!

We went to that lady Karen’s house for dinner last night. It was nice! About 12 people were there. Jim Jones from school was there. So was Ted. So, listen to this! Remember how I told you I feel weird asking Ted about Desert Storm? Finally I said fuck it and I talked to him. Guess how long he was in Kuwait!!! 67 DAYS!!! That’s it!!! He was with artillery but he said even infantry was there only like a month longer than he was! _____, that gives me hope! 8404 (yes, I do listen to you, ya numb skull!)

I eat SO badly now _____y. I need to stop so I’m not huge at our wedding. I’m so lonely and stuff, that’s why.
You know what I was thinking? You are so sweet. You used to always stay til the morning when you were at Pendleton, even though it was such a long drive, and not leave on Sun. night. You rock! You are so good to us. I can’t believe I got to have someone like you. Thank the Lord.

I’m going to ask my mom to make a yellow ribbon-like wreath for our front door. Since I don’t have a tree, I thought that would be good- along with the one I’m going to wear. I’m all wrapped up in my cute, adorable sailor love. I am completely and totally obsessed with you my sweet _____y. Everything I do is about you.
Your sister is sewing our baby a blanket. So is your mom. So is my sis (knitting). ____ will be one warm and cozy baby! Little Baby _____y! Yay!

I adore you. I’ll send you pictures soon. I pray for you every day and thank God for what we have every day. Baby, I’m praying you’re back by May. That would be so awesome. Pray for that too, okay? Pray you get home safely and soon. I’m sure you do. I love you. I miss you. I adore you.

Love, your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,

_____ _____, The Baby _____y’s Mama!
___________________________________________

At school there is this guy Ted who used to be an 8404 Corpsman and was in the first Gulf War. (8404 is the number that identifies a Corpsman with a combat specialty). This is extremely comforting to me. I hang onto some of the information I get from him and use it to get me through some of my harder days, even though much of it probably isn’t relevant in this situation. When he was there, he never even went into Iraq. He stayed in Kuwait the entire time, which gives me great hope that _____ may never cross into Iraq.

Maybe if a war starts, the majority of it will take place from the air, and _____’s unit may never even be needed. Ted also told me that he was only deployed a total of 67 days. _____ has already been gone over 30 days so when he told me that, it was one of the best things I've heard in ages! Sometimes I’m almost convinced that _____ could be nearly halfway done with his deployment.

He told me that even in the height of warfare mail is delivered by air when possible and that no, unfortunately the Corpsman does not just sit in the little armored vehicle while the Marines shoot, and only come out if someone gets hurt. He’s actually outside the whole time along with the Marines. I guess I really already knew that, but I still feel compelled to cross-reference it with anyone and everyone I come across who has any knowledge on the topic, hoping always that someone might give me a different answer.

Day 31

2006-03-02T15:02:00.000-08:00

Letter #18
Day 31
Sunday, 02Mar03, 3:58PM- our bed

Hi sweet love. You called me two nights ago. It was so wonderful, such a miracle that you got that chance. It was amazing to get to really talk to you after so long. I thank God for that. Still, I am really depressed. It’s so hard.

Yesterday I slept a lot, we went to church, then to my parents’ house. My mom made bacon, eggs and toast and we watched “Charlotte’s Web” in my sister’s room. Today we went to Travel Town. It’s a place with a train museum and park. I took _____ to a party there last year. I remember that you were in the field at the time and I was depressed. Funny, now this. That was strange to think about.

Military life is definitely not for me. I am so dependent on you for daily life. My quality of life has gone straight down the drain since you left. I don’t enjoy anything. Wherever I go, either I’ve been there with you so I cry, or it’s somewhere I’d like to go with you so I cry. It sucks. I want to tell you, you will NEVER EVER get a “Dear John” letter from me. You know that. So don’t worry. I am totally miserable without you. Every breath I take literally hurts.

Today on my message board I found out about militarywives.com and I ordered a yellow ribbon pin from there. When it gets here, I will put it on and I will wear it every single day until I see your face again. I can’t wait to get it. I cried while I was ordering it. (Me! Cried? Shocking!)

Now Iraq is destroying their Al Samoud 2 missiles. Maybe we won’t have to go to war? I pray for that. Everything is basically the same here as it was when you left. I was thinking about what you said on the phone, how we have so much good and this is just the bad we have to deal with, and I agree. We do have a lot. As long as I have you I’ll be okay.

_____, did you like the ultrasound picture? I sent it to you.

I’m going to this lady from school’s house for dinner tonight, Karen. She invited _____ and me. I kind of don’t want to go, in all honesty. But I think I should because it might help me to get out of myself for a while. Plus, I've never really socialized with anyone from law school because I had _____. I've never cared to find a babysitter and go out with people. It just hasn't been a priority to me. But since this is something I can bring him to and I got the distinct feeling she was trying to be “neighborly” since I am obviously kind of downtrodden right now, we're going. You know, it really made me realize that I only talk to other people because you’re not here. If you were, I’d be happy living on a desert isle, just our family. I don’t care about anyone else. No wonder I’m so miserable with you gone!

Hopefully I’ll get another letter soon. I’m glad you explained that the reason I got the first one so soon was that you mailed it from the airport- I thought I was going nuts.

I’ll write again tomorrow, okay? Hey, The Anna Nicole Show, season two starts tonight! Hahaha! Luxurious! I adore you, my love.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
____ _____ ( I started signing his last name)

Day 30

2006-03-02T14:59:00.000-08:00

Last night, Friday, February 28th, after I had gone to bed, my phone rang. It was _____! This time we had a very clear connection because he wasn’t calling from a DSN (Defense Switched Network) phone. He had accompanied a sick Marine to Camp Doha, an Army camp, several miles away and they had an AT&T trailer with pay phones there. Like I said, the Army has better accommodations than do the Marines. He took the golden opportunity to slip away and call me. We ended up talking for an entire hour! During that hour we regressed to a time when we freely laughed, joked, and reviewed recent life events as if we had all the time in the world.

It was very therapeutic to hear his voice like that again, and to make that kind of a connection. It was a blessing that we were given the chance to have that conversation. Only in the last few minutes, when I knew the call was drawing to a close, did I begin to feel pangs in my chest and my breathing become restricted. It was so hard to cross that barrier from paradise to purgatory in the blink of an eye as he hung up the receiver. You brace yourself, momentarily cringe, and then sit and mourn for several minutes, staring blankly at the wall.

After that I sat and stewed in my apartment again with no way to get in touch with him, knowing I’d have to wait for the day he’d call again. He was on the other side of the globe somewhere, boarding an ambulance and taking a Marine back to a Marine camp with no amenities. I was going back to comfortable and safe bed.

Day 29

2006-02-28T11:49:00.000-08:00

Letter #17
Day 29
Friday, 28Feb03-10:23AM Wills and Trusts Class

Hi Sweetie. I dreamt last night that you were coming home. I was dismayed when I woke up and realized that I had only been dreaming and in fact you are still sitting out in the sand wondering if there is going to be a war or if you are going to get to come home anytime soon.

I’m afraid to be in class today- you called last Friday. I’m going to go outside in between classes to see if you call. I haven’t gotten another letter from you. I’m bummed out about it.

I am so disappointed. I had done a whole side of tape for you on the recorder I bought. I finished it yesterday. Well, all of a sudden I realized the tape was broken! So all of it is gone- my whole family talked on it and so did Donna and Gavin. I got really depressed when I noticed it. It really let me down. My dad said he loves you on it. I will probably start another one after I’m over my heartache about this one.

Today I was early so I drove down PCH for a while. I drove past Leo Carrillo beach where we sat on the rocks and talked and we saw crabs.

I’m trying to have a pain-free day. It’s very hard for me. I’ve been in a lot of pain this past week. Mental/emotional pain. I’m going to have to get myself to the doctor one of these days. Don’t worry though- I am really strong inside. I just want you to know that you are greatly missed. I am not doing that great anymore. The first three weeks were easier. I’m not sure why. Now it’s becoming unbearable. Come back soon.

Yesterday _____ had his first baseball practice. There are a few little brats on his team who were pissing me off. I don’t want him to be hurt. It is so beautiful to see him out there- so uninhibited and innocent. I love it. The park we went to is a new park it Burbank. You’d really like it. It has a nice play area, a field, and a skate park. I can’t wait to show you.

In my dream last night I went to Wyoming. I went to your house to wait for you to get home. It was kind of fun.

Going on my message board has been helping me so much. I’m making friends on there. Lately, I like them better than my real friends.

Oh, that Marine on “American Idol” made the top 10. I was happy for him. Lucky bastard.

Today I had my Evidence midterm. Yuck.

I am anxious for church tomorrow. It is the one place that I feel comfort. No clue what I’ll do the rest of the weekend. Not looking forward to that part. Imagine, I actually like the weekdays better than the weekends because I usually have things to do during the week, whereas on the weekends I spend an awful lot of time wandering around the apartment aimlessly, like a zombie, crying off and on.

I’m so damn worried about you. I’m terrified. One month down, huh? It’s been 4 weeks now. Wow.

I’m going to step out of class and see if you call. I’m a nerd I know, but you called at 12:10 last week. Time to go outside and stare at the phone. I’ll be back.

You didn’t call. :( I guess you couldn’t. I can’t wait to talk to you again.

I’ve heard about war starting around March 17. What have they told you? I wish and pray for a miracle all the time. I don’t want war. Mostly, I just want you back here happy and healthy. I so adore you. Thank God I met and have you.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____

Day 28

2006-02-28T11:48:00.000-08:00

Day 28- No Letter

Day 27

2006-02-25T19:21:00.000-08:00

Letter #16
DAY 27
Wednesday, February 26, 2003; 10:16AM Wills and Trusts Class

Hi there! How are you? I’m alive. I’ve had a hard past two days. I’ll be okay.

I wanted to tell you, if you think I harp on you too much, I’m sorry. I honestly think you are perfect. I just have a rough personality- when I call you an ass I don’t really mean it. I’m just really sensitive. But I want you to know that I adore you and think you’re perfect. I don’t know what made me think of that today. I just wanted to let you know.

Yesterday I got really low. I started to feel desperate. I need you back here. Do you think you could injure yourself- not badly, but enough to come home? I know that’s asking a lot of you, but I am fading here. I’ll be okay. I just want you to be okay. I’m really worried. Okay, enough bad stuff now. I’ll change the subject. I’m trying to trust God. I just get really nervous and really worried.

I still have only gotten that one letter from you.

Oh, on the news yesterday they showed Marines from 29 Palms- Camp Coyote??? Is that where you are? I’m figuring you are. I looked for you but I didn’t see you. I wish I could go there and visit. I was honestly trying to figure out how I can do that. But I realized I wouldn’t be allowed where you are. Is that right? If there was any way I’d get to see you, I would find a way to go. I am honestly desperate to see you. It’s making me crazy. This is so hard. It’s hard because I am scared. I am petrified. How much danger are you in? I’m so afraid. Talk to me about this. Reassure me if possible. But I want to know the truth, even if it’s bad, okay?

How long after a war do you think they’ll make you stay there? Give me an estimate, okay? I’m trying to live here. Not easy. I am telling myself you’ll be gone 18 weeks total. That would bring you back June 6. When you get back, will you have to be at 29 Palms for a while or will you go back to Point Mugu right away?

Sorry, I’m in a really strange mood today. I’m making this letter suck. It’s just that I can probably live through March, probably even April. May is going to be tough once finals are over. Once school is out I need you back, k???

On my message board, anti-war sentiments are not tolerated. They equate it with anti-military. I just keep my mouth shut. I’m not anti-military but I don’t want this stupid war. I just want you to come home.

Gas is so crazy now- it’s like $1.99 to $2.01 for 97! You would hate it.

I’d live in a cardboard box with you. Honestly. I’d do anything to be with you. Anything at all.

Oh I voted for that Marine a bunch of times on American Idol last night. He was good and I also feel like preventing him from going over there. He’s married and he has a baby. I’ll let you know if he makes it to the top 10. I’m betting he will.

I can’t WAIT to marry you! I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH. I adore you.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____

I’m working under the assumption that the Marines are the invaders and the Army are the occupiers. That’s what _____ has told me is the general template. That’s why the Army gets all the good stuff built for them and the Marines gets all the makeshift garbage. Because the Marines are there short-term to “take stuff over” and the Army are there for the long haul. They occupy. I see this as both good and bad. It’s scary because Marines, including _____'s unit, have to go in there and do all of this scary combat-related stuff, and it’s great because they get to get the hell out of there soon after.

I spend a lot of time, especially at night, thinking about how literally the only things you need in life are the people you love and that if you don’t have those people, nothing else counts for a rat’s ass. Not a rat’s ass. Really and truly, even if I had access to anything and everything the world has to offer, if _____ wasn’t one of those things, I wouldn’t want to live on this earth. And likewise, if I had to trade every single one of my material things for access to _____, I would do it in a heartbeat and never look back because I know what the alternative is. My life before I met _____ over 15 months ago was lonely and loveless. It wouldn’t even be a consideration. It’s something I’ve had never had the unfortunate opportunity to ponder before. And I feel the circumstances are so desperate that the whole muse is a very anxiety-fraught one with no resolution whatsoever except a personal vow to appreciate what I have once I get it back, God willing. And then I just pray and pray and pray.

Day 25

2006-02-24T13:42:00.000-08:00

Letter #15
Day 25
Monday, February 24, 2003; 10:21AM Wills and Trusts Class

Hi My Love. How are you? This morning I saw my friend Vicky from school. I told her about baby ____. I’m drinking this nasty Sierra Mist right now. I’m trying to stay away from caffeine, at least for the time being. I met this girl at school this morning whose boyfriend is over there too. He’s with Recon is a Marine unit. Might you know him?

I miss you saying sweet things to me, like I’m your perfect love and I’m your princess. I’m hoping I have mail from you today. A need a _____y letter. Do you like getting my letters? I want to be able to keep you company. It keeps me company too. The only company I want in this world is you.

_____y, please come home soon. We all miss you- especially me. I’m so lonely without you. I need you. You are my wallpaper and screensaver now. It's the pictures of you that your dad took when he visited for our engagement party. Some are of you in uniform and some are of us before the party.

I’m sorry you have to be there. I’m so sorry.

I hope you got a shower. I heard you get one every two weeks? Is that accurate?

I’m so lame- I had the urge to drive to 29 Palms the other night. Just to be where we last were together. Isn’t that crazy? It was like the closest I could get to you. It’s frustrating not to be able to have immediate contact, or even close contact for that matter. Oh, but your phone call did wonders for me, thank you. Call me again soon if you can. Just so you know, I’m paranoid because I should have been in Tax class when you called and I would have freaked out if I had missed your call. Man that would have depressed me. Remember, I’m off Tuesday and Thursday, but still- whenever you can get near a phone try to call me. _____, school, internet, and TV are my main distractions. God is my main comfort. Don’t forget about the shooting star we saw.

What do you think about? Or do you try not to? For me, I mostly try not to if it is something that I think will make me cry. If not, I let myself think. Especially I imagine you in bed with me cuddling and stuff all the time. I still sleep with your shirt on my pillow. My mom and I were laughing last night about how when you get back I am going to get on your nerves so badly! I hope you don’t mind too much! You are my life.

I want to BBQ again this summer by the pool. I want to walk on the beach with you too. I want to take Sunday walks with you too. (getting teary now, damn). I want to take daytrips to find a place to move to. I want to go back to Sea World with you and go to Trophy’s (drunken steak- yum yum!) I want to do baby stuff with you. I want to go to different aquariums with you. Ok, I’ll even try biking with you. MAYBE even camping.

It’s raining again. I don’t like driving over the canyon in the rain. It’s a bit scary. But I won’t mind if it rains tonight so I can listen to it in bed.

Three other girls on my message board are pregnant besides me. I will be so happy when I don’t have the need to go on that site anymore. I go because I need to. I can’t wait to not need to. I’m glad to have them- it’s nice to know people I don’t really have to “know”- it’s good contact with the outside world, yet privacy, for me.

Tell me what you want and I’ll send it to you. Magazines? Food? Let me know. Do you need any personal hygiene items? Just tell me what I can do for you to make your life better.

Soon I’m going to start doing more organizing. I will get everything in tip top shape for when you get back. Well my love, I will end this novel of a letter now. I love you, I adore you, I miss you, I need you, I’m waiting for you.
Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____
________________________________

One of the things I’ve noticed is that I’m still alive. Like in the morning when I’m leaving my building’s garage, I’ll be thinking about how strange it is that, in spite of the fact that I am 100% not okay and nothing is normal about this situation, the sun is shining and I’m leaving for school and I’m able to turn on the radio to listen to the news and hear what’s going on in the world that’s going to impact _____ clear across the globe.

I’m not dense and I know most people would say, “Sure, life goes on.” But the thing is, I am not like most people. Not by a long shot. Every shred of my being would have led me to believe that the sun would not be rising over my apartment and I would not be able to get out of bed and go to school and I would not have the strength to turn on the radio and hear people discuss things that were going to impact the love of my life and my family. Why, if the world is so starkly different, does it look so much the same?

Day 24

2006-02-23T21:26:00.000-08:00

Day 24- No Letter

Day 23

2006-02-22T21:05:00.000-08:00

Letter #14
Day 23
Saturday, February 22, 2003; 3:44PM- our bed

Hi Baby! Today I went to coffee with Candace and studied a little. It’s a place near her house in Hancock Park called Sugar Plum. I really wished you were there. I felt like such a big nasty cow next to her since she's not pregnant. Oh well. Candace was going on and on about how nice my ring is. She loves it. She bought me a soda and a sandwich to celebrate ___'s impending birth.

I got the mail today and there were no new letters from you still. Just that one from last week. Hopefully Monday. I miss you. I feel pretty empty inside without you here. It makes me want to cry.

Soon it will be time to leave for church. I hope you can come home soon. I’m hoping for May or June. Have they said anything?

Tonight I can’t wait to lay down with _____ and watch TV and relax. My fat ass might get us McDonald's.

You know what? I’m feeling a bit depressed again. I thank God I got to talk to you yesterday but I still miss you so much it hurts inside. I’m doing well overall, but I need you. It was so good to hear your voice. Now I’m crying, damn it. We’re waiting for you here. We’re keeping our bed warm, your car safe, and your baby tucked away for you. I’ll write again tomorrow. I adore you. I think about you all the time and my heart and soul crave yours.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____
_____________________________

It was neat to see Candace, since I've known her since the 7th grade...but again I couldn't wait to get back to my comfort zone- the computer. It's almost an escape from reality. Or maybe it just lets me burrow myself more deeply into the reality that is now mine, the one that the rest of my world simply doesn't share.

Day 22

2006-02-21T15:00:00.000-08:00

Letter#13
Day 22
Friday, February 21, 2003; 9:30PM- our bed

You called me today! It was the most awesome thing ever! It really took me by surprise. When I first answered and you said,“There’s a delay, don’t hang up.” I thought it was you but I wanted to be sure before I got excited. And yay! It was my love! Aaaaaaah! Thanks so much for finally calling! Call again soon, ok?

Donna and Gavin are here. They are sleeping over. She got us Mo’s Delivery tonight. I showed her the ultrasound video. She said the baby looks like _____! Hahaha! Anyway, I’m getting mighty huge. My stomach has grown a lot lately. I’ll have someone take a picture one of these days. I’m a damn butterball turkey.

I feel alive again since I talked to you. I was going downhill the past 2 days. Seriously, I was getting pretty depressed. Now I can’t wait to get more mail from you! I posted on my message board how joyful I was.

My mom doesn’t like the name ____. I told her when she goes off to the Persian Gulf and I am madly in love with her, maybe I’ll let her have a say in names. She’ll get used to it! I was so happy I could tell you it’s a girl! Did you remember that I had my ultrasound? Were you calling to find out the sex?

What time do you go to sleep at night? Or do you sleep during the day? The Lord is so good to us. He knew I needed a call. I couldn’t hang on much longer without one. And I got one! So much good lies ahead for us. I am so excited about the future. I adore you. I know you know that. And I can’t WAIT to be near you again. I want us to be wrapped up in each others’ arms. I miss your warm body. I want you to hug me and our baby. I miss kissing your lippies and your face. I have thought about a lot of special things you have said and done that have meant the world to me. I miss you tons. Think about how happy we’ll be to be together again. I’m going to stick to you like glue! Thanks for wishing me a Happy Valentine’s Day on the phone by the way. That was sweet. Tell me about your new friends there. I hope they keep you good company. I will write again tomorrow.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____
______________________________________

Most of my in-person friends seem to have fallen into one of two camps. There are those who contacted me in the first day or two and asked me if I wanted to hang out and have dinner with them, and when I said I’d take a rain check haven’t asked me again, and there are those who haven’t contacted me at all yet. I opted for rain checks because I was in a state of shock, disorientation, and depression and didn’t want to socialize in the “normal” world quite yet. In fact, I still feel that way. The fact of the matter is that a man that I lived with, that I saw and spoke to every day of my life, has, for all intents and purposes, disappeared off of the face of the earth. I can’t see him, speak to him- I couldn’t contact him if I had to. He is not on this earth as far as I am concerned. It's as though he has been wiped clear off the planet. The only thing I can do is mail a letter and know that in four or five weeks he will read it. To realize that he is poised to go to war makes for a very sinister and surreal reality. I feel like saying something to them like, “So forgive me if I don’t readily agree to grub some Baja Fresh and gossip with you and pretend all is well with me so I don’t make either of us feel uncomfortable.”

I’m not blaming anyone for this. I wouldn’t know how it feels either if I wasn’t in these shoes. But I am.

My real friends now are found on the Internet. They know what I am going through. They understand me. Even my parents are letting me down to some extent, although they are by far the best friends I have and are trying very, very hard to help me. But when I call them and they say, “Let’s hope that when they cross over to Iraq the place isn’t packed with land mines,” I don’t find that highly encouraging.

I chat with my Internet friends all the time. When I'm going to log on later than usual at night, I think, “Shoot, Mindy and Bianca are going to be wondering why I'm not on yet.” We're really developing friendships. Both of their fiance's are Army Reservists and are Military Police. Mindy is only 18 and lives in Texas and Bianca is 20 and is in San Francisco. I have a lot in common with both of them; They are really good people. I hope I can meet them in person one day and thank them for getting me though this.

Day 21

2006-02-21T14:46:00.000-08:00

Letter #12
Day 21
Thursday, February 20, 2003; 12:40PM big couch

Hi Honey!!! Daddy, we’re having a GIRL! I’m giving you a daughter! Yippee! I’m so excited! They said my placenta is lying low so not to have sex. Hahaha! So I guess you’re not missing too much over here! Hahaha! But they said it’s nothing to worry about, it will probably go back up and I’m having another ultrasound in eight weeks to check it. We videotaped it. The doctor said all babies look like aliens at this point and by the next ultrasound she won’t anymore. She’s so cuuuute! It was a regular ultrasound but he gave one 3D shot. On the video that shot is in color. CUTE!

Why haven’t you called me? Why??? I miss you so much. Get your meaty ass back here so we can raise our daughter together and have the best life ever! I love you and I miss you. You are a huge part of my soul. I know it’s the same for you. So are we still naming her ____? You tell me what you want. I adore you, my love.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____
_______________________________________

It’s Friday, February 21st and I leave school early. I’m always in a state of nervousness, distractibility, and exhaustion, and it’s uncomfortable. I get home and get in the shower. I have already trained myself brilliantly in the art of having my cell phone at arm's length at all times, so its sitting on the bathroom counter as I start the water and as I enter the shower. Strangely perhaps, I do a lot of my praying and conversing with God in the shower. Probably because tit's the only place where there’s nothing else to distract me.

A while ago I made an “agreement” with God that I will not ask for _____ to come home soon. I don’t want to be greedy and ask for too much. I decided to only ask for the most important of things. So the only thing I pray for is that God will keep _____ close to Him and keep him safe. That’s it. While deep in prayer, and over the running water, I hear my phone ring and I jump out of the shower and grab it- There are a bunch of random numbers on the screen and I almost jump out of my skin.

“Hello? (echo)”
“There's a delay. Don’t hang up.”
“Hello? (echo)”
“Hello.”
“Who is this? (echo)”
“This is _____.”
I scream. My heart is racing.
“_____! I love you and miss you!"
“I love you and miss you too. How are you guys? What’s going on there?”
“We’re having a girl! (echo)”
“What?”
“We’re having a girl! It’s a girl! (echo)”
“I can’t hear you that well.”
“A daughter. (echo)”
“Oh! Good. I’m excited!”
“Did you get any letters yet? (echo)”
“No. Not yet.”
“Oh! I got one from you. Did you write any others? (echo)”
“Yes. I’ve written others. I can’t talk long. I have to go soon.”
“When can you call again? (echo)”
“I don’t know. Happy Valentine's Day.”
“Thank you! Happy Valentine's Day to you too! I miss you sooo much. This is fucking hell. I’m going insane here. I’ve written you 12 letters. We haven’t talked in 21 days. (echo)”
“I know. It’s been a long time. I have to go now, okay? I love you.”
“I love you too. Call me soon if you can. (echo)”
“Bye.”
“Bye. (echo)”
Click.
I cry, but with a huge smile plastered on my face. It's an overflow of emotion. I finally spoke to _____! I start thinking, “Should I call my parents and tell them? Should I get dressed? Should I go post this on my board?” I'm feeling over-excited and jittery, and I'm trying to ignore the fact that when I stop to rest and think I will feel a huge let-down. I talked to him and might not talk to him again for a very, very long time...

Day 20

2006-02-21T14:44:00.000-08:00

Day 20- No Letter

Day 19

2006-02-18T19:51:00.000-08:00

Day 19- No letter

Day 18

2006-02-17T10:47:00.000-08:00

Letter #11
Day 18
Monday, February 17, 2003;11:34AM- tax class

Hi cutie. How are you? My mom took us to IHOP for their never-ending pancakes. I was wishing you could eat it too.

It was a pretty nice day. I miss you so much though. I’m still hoping I get a phone call from you soon. At least I got a letter- I’m so glad!

Oh, so we took the tooth over to show my parents and I lost it somehow. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened. My whole family looked for it. It was in the ring box. When we went to leave, it wasn’t there anymore. I’m so depressed about it. I wanted you to have it so badly. So now we’re waiting for tooth #2 to fall out, ok?

Well, you can rest assured that everything here is the same. Same as you left it and it will stay that way until my heart is mended because you’re back! I’ve made it through 17 days already. I can’t believe it.

I’m so lame- the last two nights I’ve had Coke before bed and been so restless at night. I was chuckling to myself thinking that I would be annoying you so badly if you were here. I’d be driving you up a wall.

I want to go to the beach with you and walk along the ocean. Remember over the summer we took a long walk on Huntington Beach and we saw all those red crabs all over the sand?

This is already my 11th letter. I hope I’m not getting on your nerves. You are my lifeline. These letters are keeping me going. You know how I am.

I was imagining you last night. Imagining us curled up, your naked body wrapped up in mine. It was comforting. I was wondering if you do the same. But I don’t know what your mind state is. I don’t know what you have to do to keep yourself functioning. Do what you need to do to get by. If you can’t think about us too much, then don’t. I totally understand. For me, I need to think about you a lot but there are certain places in my mind I just can’t go. You know I can barely look at a picture of you. I think about you more in the abstract than in detail. It hurts too much.

I’m getting closer to _____ lately because he is all I have right now and I am all he has. We talk about you a lot. Our cute little fetus misses you too. It misses hearing your voice and you kissing my belly! Next pregnancy stay with me. I need you! But I’ll be alright. We’ll all be okay.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____
________________________________________

_____ has always told me that he wanted a daughter. Plus, the way he looks at it is that he already had a son now, so he would have a girl and a boy. I want to be able to give him what he wants.

I'm shaking during my ultrasound and when the doctor tells me it's a girl I start weeping. I'm so excited and so proud! Of course I have to explain to the doctor why my mom and I are whimpering after he tells me the news. I probably also tell him because I am just so proud of _____ that I want everyone to know how awesome he is and how special our baby is. _____ deserves special recognition for what he is doing.

Day 17

2006-02-17T10:45:00.000-08:00

Letter#10
Day 17
Sunday, February 16, 2003; 11:54AM- our bed

Hi Honey! I FINALLY got my first letter from you yesterday! I was so excited! I started jumping up and down at the mailboxes screaming “I got a letter!” It was sooo good to hear from you!

Now if only I’d receive a phone call! Don’t forget, I go on my message board so I know there are phones now. Every day a new girl has gotten a call and I’m getting sad here! It’s okay, I know the minute you can you’ll call! I’m just giving you a hard time! Anyway, that letter lit up my life, thanks. I hope that means you’ve gotten one from me too. I hope it brightens you up.

So Bozo died…how sad is that? My parents are sooo sad. I’ve never seen my dad cry so much. He got really attached to that dog. My mom said in 30 years she’s never seen him so sad. It might be because when he was younger he had another bulldog named Bozo that he also adored.

But guess what? _____ lost his first tooth yesterday! The Tooth Fairy came and left $1. I wrote her a note to ask her if she could please leave the tooth with us so we can send it to you. I guess it was okay with her because she left it! You will be receiving it in a ring box, okay? So on Valentine's Day the other night, _____ and I went to my friend Rachel’s. She made dessert. Yummy. It was nice to go but the day overall kind of sucked. It’s just too much romance for a girl whose love is on the other side of the globe. I was teary a lot. Next year we’ll be together. And we’ll be Mr. and Mrs!

Are you getting used to being there? For me, yes I’m getting used to this. But I hate it. I had a dream last night that they sent you home! Actually, I play a lot of mind games with myself. A lot of times I’ll be walking and I’ll think, “What if _____ is back and decided to surprise me…” and I’ll picture turning the corner and you’re there. Or getting home and your car is in the garage or opening the door and you’re on the couch. Oh great, now I’m crying. How much longer of this, ______? 16 days down…damn. I can’t even think about it. That is too much for me to fathom. Don’t ever forget how much I adore you. Oh and I forgot- in the “you surprise me” scenario, I’m very afraid I’d go in premature labor!

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____

____________________________________

I’m amazed at how quickly I received a letter. When I saw the letter in the mailbox I screamed. I jumped up and down. I cried too. I praised God over and over again. No contact for 15 days, and here was a letter! _____ determined from my joy that we had received a letter and wanted me to open it. I go inside to get comfortable and d0 the honors.

I'm a little disappointed when I see that it's only about five lines. It says that the bus pulling away that day was one of the saddest moments of his life. It says he's sorry he didn't get to call from Italy. And it says that he had to go because he had to go to training camp. Like I said, it wasn't much, but it was much, much better than nothing! I will cherish that letter like nothing else. I’m sitting here rereading it a million times and telling everyone I come across that I received a letter. It’s very exciting.

Maybe the mail will start flowing now and, hopefully, he’s even started to get the letters I’ve been writing him. My mind is starting to work backwards as I remember what I wrote on each day and imagine him getting caught up on the new information written in each day’s letter. I’m starting to feel more connected to him and it’s helping me quite a bit. It's a boost to my morale.

Day 16

2006-02-17T10:44:00.000-08:00

Day 16- No Letter

Day 15

2006-02-14T19:47:00.000-08:00

Day 15-No Letter

Day 14

2006-02-13T14:20:00.000-08:00

Day 14- No letter

Day 13

2006-02-12T20:48:00.000-08:00

(Day 13) Wednesday, February 12, 2003; 10:05AM Wills and Trusts

Hey there. I guess I’m writing two overlapping letters to you. Hope you don’t mind.

Today is POURING. It took over an hour to get _____ to school.

Bozo seems to be getting better now. It’s good.

Every time I look at the clock I think of what time it is there and what you’re doing. Right now it’s after 9PM there- what time do you go to sleep? I’m thinking you’ll probably get my first letter Saturday. I can’t wait til you read it and know that nothing has changed and you’re not alone.

We miss you a lot. It sucks. I’m getting number though. I cry here and there but not constantly. Every day still though. I think it will stay that way the whole time. But I’m still here! I’m hanging in there!

I’m looking at my beautiful ring right now. How is yours doing?

I hope time flies by. I’m scared when I watch the news. Do you guys get news ever?

Wednesday, February 12, 2003- 6:30PM-our bed

Hi Pie! I love you and miss you! This pouring rain makes me miss you worse- all I want is to cuddle up with you. Oh well. I’m fully sick of being apart now. Has it been 13 days??? Wow. That’s quite a while.

Are you doing okay? Oh! The damn package I sent came back! Damn! I am moronic- do you think I know about customs? Sheesh! Now I have to send it again tomorrow. I’m so sorry, honey. I messed up. I deeply apologize. That won’t happen again. I didn’t know what I was doing.

_____ wants to say this: Dear _____, I miss you a lot. I have a new Batman that I lost a long time ago. I take care of Beardog. I found a very cool car and it has dragons on the side too. Mom does not sleep a lot anymore. And she watches TV a lot. And she cooks yummy food. Love, _____.

Now he wants to draw a picture of us together so you remember us all together. It’s so sweet.

Sweetie, I adore you. When can we see each other again? When can we be in bed together? When can I personally talk your ear off, rather than just in writing? I want you so much and need you too. You deserve the world. I’ll try to give you as much of it as I can.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____
_____________________________________

Beardog is _____’s childhood stuffed animal. He’s taken it with him everywhere he’s gone throughout his entire military career. So we told him we’d take care of it for him while he’s gone. It’s something that we can do, mainly for ourselves that makes us feel like we’re doing something to care for _____.

For Christmas this year, I bought _____ a ring that has what looks like infinity signs all around it. I had heard on this wedding website I go on that some women give their fiancés engagement rings, so I told _____ that it could either be an engagement ring or it could be his wedding ring and he could wear it on his right hand until we got married. He asked me if it could be his wedding ring and he could wear it on his left hand until we got married. Yay me! What a guy! So he’s been wearing it since Christmas, on his left hand. He took it with him on his deployment and told me he’d wear it the whole time.

Day 12

2006-02-12T20:46:00.000-08:00

Letter #9
Day 12
Tuesday, February 11, 2003; our bed

Hi Cutie Pie! How are you? Bozo is not doing well. He had a 109 degree fever so they are afraid he has severe brain damage. He also has pneumonia. It’s sad. We visited him in the pet hospital today. Not good. I’ll keep you informed.

"American Idol" is on. _____ likes it. The other night he said, “Hey, I’m beginning to like grown-up shows!” Haha! I guess I’ll watch now and write more later. I love you so much.

Day 11

2006-02-12T20:39:00.000-08:00

Letter #8
Day 11
Monday, February 10, 2003; 6:20PM- our bed

Hi My Doll-Today I got home and Letter #6 had come back to me. I started crying because I thought it meant that they are all coming back. So I called the number that guy from 29 Palms gave me that day- they transferred me to the base post office. (I don't know if you remember who I'm talking about. The day you left while you were busy getting everything ready to go, a guy who had been in Desert Storm started talking to me. After I had expressed some fear to him, he said that although he couldn't promise anything, he knew they'd do their best to get everyone home. He said he was with the rear party and would be one of the last to leave. He's also the one who explained to me that the reason the guys had to keep a dog tag in their boot is in case their bodies did not remain in one piece...they would still be able to identify them. It was not the most comforting of conversations.) Anyway, it turns out it’s a correct address so the post office here messed up. I’m taking it back tomorrow. Idiots.

Then I got on my message board and that girl Jessie (Charlieslove) whose fiancé is in 3/7 got a letter Friday! I got SO happy- that means I’ll be getting one soon! Yahooooo! And you’ll be getting mine too! I’m telling you, when I read her post I started weeping in joy. I can’t WAIT to get a letter from you! I’m seriously LIVING for it! I can’t even WAIT!

I love you so much- all I want on this earth is to be with you. I am sick of this. I want you home. I’m thinking maybe by June? Have they said anything? Well, just know I’m here and always will be. Here and waiting for you, my love. This is pure insanity. We are going to be the closest family in the world! It’s true- I want you so much you can’t imagine. I want to be with you so much I am burning. I hate this and can’t wait for it to end and for things to be normal again.

Bozo is still in the hospital. Poor guy. They think that when his fever rose it got so high that he suffered brain damage. He might not make it...

I can’t wait for our family to be back. We’ll get through anything now. You’re my best friend. So close to my heart. Can you believe this? You’re there and I’m here! What the hell? It’s unreal.

Do you see reporters around there? They’re always broadcasting from there. We keep our eyes peeled for you. Am I writing to you enough? I told you I’d try to everyday. You are my life- how can I not talk to you every day? Are you eating okay? Sleeping okay? I hope you will never get lonely once you start getting my tons of letters. Am I being too negative? I’m trying not to be. I love God. Don’t forget what He has done for us. He gave us each other. I adore you.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____

Day 10 (Continuation of Letter #7)

2006-02-09T11:44:00.000-08:00

Sunday, February 9, 2003; 2:40PM- big couch (Day 10)

Hi my sweet. Another day passes. Amazing.

Anyway, my mom called today to tell me a crazy story. Yesterday Bozo kept throwing up foam, all day long. They finally took him to the ER. It turns out his stomach had moved up into his ribs and had twisted around several times and he almost died! He had an operation and he has to be in the hospital for days. Crazy, huh? Poor Boze.

I hate this not communicating. It is honestly the worst. If I send you a disposable camera will you be able to send it back to me when you’re done with it? Cause I’d like to have some pictures of you. I miss your face (tearing up now, of course. It sounds so sad to me.)

6:41PM- big couch

Oh _____, I’m going insane without you. How am I going to live through this? How? I am sitting here sobbing for you. I miss you so much. I am really hurting right now. I’ll be okay though. I promise you. I’ll be fine. I adore you.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____
__________________________________________

Bozo is our family’s charming English bulldog. He is 3 years old and mostly white with a brown patch over one of his eyes. My family gets really attached to its animals. They become like members of the family. They are far more than just pets.

My message board is becoming a huge part of my life. I check in several times a day now to see if anyone has any news or has posted anything exciting. At night it is my refuge. I look forward to my evenings, when I can get comfy on the couch with my laptop and start catching up with my new friends. We all have recently discovered the board chat room and it's tons of fun. I actually laugh out loud while chatting with these girls. I laugh! I find that unbelievable and so very welcome at this point in my life. Some of my favorites and I, like Mindy (SouthernHottie) and Bianca (ArmyFiancee2Be) have added one another to our IM lists so we can really get to know each other on a personal level, which is great. It feels wonderful to have people to talk to who are living on the same plane, not this alternate universe everyone else seems to be on.

Day 9

2006-02-08T11:32:00.000-08:00

Letter#7
Day 9
Saturday, February 8, 2003; 4:06PM-our car- in front of church

Hey, We got to church early today so I decided to start a letter.

Today I took _____ to baseball tryouts. He did pretty well. He needs help with catching though.

So, what are your weekends like? Same as weekdays or different?

My life sucks without you. I feel like, “okay, are you almost done there? This is taking too long!” and it’s only Feb. 8. :( This is extremely frustrating- the fact that you probably won’t get this letter until around March 1. Man, it sucks.

I’m still looking forward to my ultrasound. I love that I’m growing our baby.

I hope you’re around pretty decent people. Are you? Are you keeping a journal? For me, these letters to you are my journal. Read them and you know me. And only you really know me, my love.

I miss you and it hurts my heart. I’m living but I’m not alive, you know? And I have feelings of such negativity toward certain people. It’s crazy. I can only be happy with you, that’s probably why. Everyone else is a waste of space. Haha.

I so can’t wait to get a letter from you you have NO CLUE! I wonder if you’re as anxious to get one from me. You’ll be getting a lot! I’m keeping you company.

8:25PM- big couch

Hey. Donna and Gavin are over right now. Gavin is playing with _____ in his room a little and Donna and I are sitting here watching TV. When she got to church she was like, “Is _____ here?” and I said, “No, he’s been gone for eight days.” She was shocked.

As you can see, I took notes in church for you again.

I adore you with every ounce of my being. You are embedded deep within my soul. You are so beautiful. I love you so, so very much. You are always with me.

Day 8

2006-02-07T08:14:00.000-08:00

Letter #6
Day 8
Friday, February 7, 2003; 1:23PM- Evidence Class

Hi Love,
Something strange is going on with me. All day- actually since last night- I have been so joyous in my heart. Kind of excited- like something good is going to happen. All of a sudden now I feel so down. Like, why the hell am I excited? Nothing exciting will be happening for a while. I just want you back here. That’s all I want. Now I have a heavy heart. I get to go home tonight around five and be alone with ______. Maybe watch TV. That’s it. Oh, I just want you home _____y.

My Tax class was cancelled today so I went to the library and went on the computer. I went on my message board and talked to a girl ("Charlieslove") whose fiancé is from 29 Palms and is a Marine in 3/7. Small world. She said he’s been gone two weeks and she still hasn’t gotten a letter. Damn, how long does this take!

Do you think it would be a good idea to ask my mom to sing at our wedding? What do you think?

I saw Vicky at school today and she said she’ll be praying for you. Also, people at Shepherd are. A lot of people are. Don’t be afraid to talk to God.

I keep imagining you broke a bone or something and they send you home.

Tomorrow _____ tries out for baseball. He’ll play and they’ll place him on a team.

I can’t wait until you’re back and we can take our Sunday walks again.

You are the strings that hold me together. Vicky said I’m tough.

I think I want to change my name now. I would love to be _____ _____. This is you. You are my prince.

In 12 days I get to find out what our baby is! Woo hoo! I think a girl. We’ll see.

I am kind of choked up/teary. I keep batting tears away (I’m in class).

November 7, 2003 we are marrying each other!!! Nine months from today! What do you think of those vows? They break my heart with their beauty. It’s cause I love you so much that I get the depth of the words. What is your opinion?

_____, I have faith in God. I trust God. He wants us together. He’ll bring us back together soon.

I have some questions for you. One is, do they have bunkers in case of a nuclear attack? I need to know that. What protections do they have in order for biological warfare? Tell me what I should know to not be nervous about things I hear on the news, if there is anything. Thanks.

I can’t wait until months start passing. I want to see March come and go- April, May, etc. Yet it’s still Feb. Damn. I have Spring Break the second week of March. Last year you were in the field during my break. I missed you and got fat off McDonalds. Bad me.

_____ slept with me again last night. I realized it’s good for him too- he cried the first night- you were obviously missing from the routine. This way there’s a different routine, so the hole there isn’t quite as noticeable. Same exact thing for me. Does that make sense?

I wish I could be put “out” for a few months. I’ll wake up when you’re back. I wish we could go to Starbucks and study together. Next semester.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____

_____________________________________________

_____ is deployed with the 1st Battalion 7th Marines, Bravo Company, part of the 1st Marine Division of Camp Pendleton (referred to as 1/7). They are an infantry unit. They are frontline, combat fighters.

Let me break this down “Barney-style” as _____ would say. _____ is in the Navy. The Marines are a division of the Navy. The Marines use the Navy for their health care. _____ is a Corpsman. His specialty is combat medicine. All of his training has been for “in the event that there is a war”. Each Marine squad has Corpsmen with them, and they are referred to as “docs”, as in “Doc _____”. The Corpsmen shadow them and are the first on the scene when someone goes down, responding to the call “Corpsman up!” So for all intents and purposes, _____ is a Marine.

If there is a war, _____ will not be on a ship. He will not be in a hospital or a clinic. He will be on the frontlines with a Marine infantry unit. That is not said to downplay the contributions of those on ships or in hospitals. The fact of the matter is, however, that I’m already sick of trying to explain it to people, and I’m sure it’s only just begun. The minute people either heard the word “Navy” or the word “medic” the assumptions begin rolling. Over and over again, even after having explained this whole spiel to a person, I later have them say to me, “at least if there’s a war _____ is a medic and won’t have to be on the front lines.” It’s so damn frustrating.

Day 7

2006-02-06T09:10:00.000-08:00

Letter #5
Day 7
Thursday, February 6, 2003; 8:40PM-our bed

Hi My Pie! How are you? Things here are fine. I miss you so much. I hope you’re doing okay.

Today was my day off. I slept while _____ was in school. I missed you like you wouldn’t believe.

Tonight was family night for _____’s school at an Italian restaurant. My mom took us. I started seeing a silver lining here- God has made it so I will get back close to my family. I have yet to see much else here…missing you is not worth it. _____y, I adore you. This is so hard.

Today Chloe came with me to pick _____ up from school. When we picked him up we were in the car and he said, “Guess how old I’m going to be when my dad gets back? Six!” I got teary. You are his dad. Even that picture he made of you at school says “My dad is cool”. I love it. I swear if he had your genes he couldn’t love you more. I mean it. Like when we get married we can’t be anymore husband and wife. There’s so much love there.

I can’t wait to get a letter from you. Not corresponding is tough. I know it’s hard on you too. I am going to jump for joy when I get a letter. I think about you every minute of the day.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____

____________________________________________

I decided long time ago that I'm not going to change my name when we get married. It's because in my prior “marriage”, and I use that term very loosely, I had made the mistake of changing my name and it had caused me a lot of turmoil and shame. The person I was married to had used the name issue as a tool of control and I felt that my identity had become the object of a big power struggle. When I had gotten my name back it was like I had recovered this precious part of myself that I had almost lost forever, and I vowed to keep it, hold it sacred, and never give that part of myself up again.

Day 6 (Continuation of Letter #4)

2006-02-05T09:16:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, February 5, 2003;
8:02PM- our bed (Day 6)

My sweetest love. Here I am- another day lived through. Five days since I’ve heard your sweet voice. Damn.

Well today I found these awesome vows. I’ll print them out Friday and send them to you. Be prepared to cry. It is so damn gorgeous. I also found these love poems. I was sobbing. Such touching beauty. Well, the formation of our ceremony is well on its way.

Oh my love- I miss you so much I have almost surrendered to it.

My belly is growing bigger by the minute. It itches.

I want to know what you do every day- a broken down schedule- so I can picture you like you picture me. Also, what does it look like there? What do you see when you look around? What do you eat? Where do you sleep? Who do you talk to? Are you scared? How do you feel? Do you guys know news going on? Like how the space shuttle Columbia blew up? It’s huge news here. Sad.

Oh, so listen to this. Yesterday I called airhead Chloe and she said, “So, where exactly is _____?” and I said, “Kuwait” and she said, “Oh, so he didn’t go to Iraq?” Um….is she DENSE? I was like, “Um, they aren’t in Iraq yet. We’re going to be invading Iraq, you moron!” Can you believe her? Haha! I know you are thinking, “Yep!”

Yay, the "American Idol" results show is on tonight.

_____ I love you!

I went to school today like a good girl.

I’ve been having _____ sleep in our bed every night.

So do they tell you anything? Every time I turn on the TV I check the headlines.

Our love is so true and so strong. I’ll write more tomorrow.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____
_________________________________________________

What is odd to me is the number of people that have asked me if I’ve heard from _____ yet, and it’s still the first week of February. It’s like they haven’t turned on the news in the past month. Have they not seen all of the young American men in the camouflage uniforms sitting in the large sandbox amidst the large military machinery preparing to possibly invade another country, being strung along by their Commander-in-Chief? Does it appear to them that there is an abundance of communicative equipment lying around among the gear? Have they not listened to any of the off-the-cuff interviews that have been given on just about every single newscast in the past month in which troops had described the sacrifices they were making and the things they were doing without?

Or was this another one of those “_____ is on a ship” things? Whatever it is it shows me that I am living on a dimension so foreign to these people that they don’t even see it- it’s like an ultraviolet ray that their eyes aren’t equipped to pick up. Maybe it just isn’t their faults- they aren’t built to see it. If this is only the first week Lord only knows what I’m in for from here on out.

“No, I haven’t heard from _____ yet. He just left last week. I won’t get a letter from him for several weeks yet. No, he doesn’t have email. He’s in a tent in the middle of the desert. I don’t give a crap if you have a cousin in the Air Force who sits at a desk all day and has Internet access. _____ is with the Marines and is in a tent in the sand. Shut the fuck up already and let me go post about your stupidity on my message board. Good bye."

In all fairness though, I’m hyper-sensitive. I’m pregnant and a bipolar Cancer. When people say nothing at all, I’m offended. When people say the wrong thing, I’m offended. So overall, it’s hard to win with me right now, and I readily admit that. That’s why I stick to my message board for the most part. If I didn't have that message board with those other girls going through the same or similar things, I'd be dead.

Day 5

2006-02-04T19:50:00.000-08:00

Letter #4
Day 5
Tuesday, February 4, 2003; 7:45PM- our bed

Hi Sweetie! Today we went to the Sportsmen’s Lodge and guess what? We have a new date! I will be your wife on November 7! September 26 was booked- we chose this one. Like it??? Plus my mom saw the room and ceremony area and she liked it! We started talking about flowers, etc!

I miss you like CRAZY! Am I going to be able to talk to you on the phone??? I hope so. I want to be with you SO badly. Well I talked to your mom online and she also liked the 11/7 thing. Yay!

Day 4

2006-02-03T16:31:00.000-08:00

Letter #3
Day 4
Monday, February 3, 2003; 6:08PM-our bed

Hi My Sweet Love,
This is a Valentine’s card for you. Last year you gave me the greatest Valentine’s Day of my life. We’ll have many more like it. It was the beginning of our really strong love affair.

So tomorrow I’m going to Sportsmen’s Lodge with my mom. I’ll tell you what happens.

Today I went to school. Everything went fine. I wanted to talk to Ted but I didn’t see him. I want to talk to him about his experience as a corpsman in the first Gulf War. A few girls I told were so nice- gave me their numbers and said to please call them when I need to talk. It was a nice feeling.

_____, I adore you. I am in pain missing you. Last night it hurt tremendously. I didn’t know what to do. _____ was so sweet and helped me. It was so cute. I called my mom and she said she’d come over. She brought us food and played cards with us. She wanted a copy of your formal Navy picture. I told her she could take it and copy it and bring it back. I’ll have it back Thursday.

I want to hear what you do there. What is the time difference? I remember what I told you about me being where I’m supposed to be so you can picture me accurately. That helped me out of bed this morning. Yes, nights are going to be the worst. The day is wrapping up and I’m alone. It hurts. But I am strong _____. I truly am. I am taking care of my body so I won’t have so much weight to lose so I can look good at our wedding. You have no idea how much I want to legally be your wife. I love you so much I can’t even describe to you. I know I am loved back too.

Everyone I talk to thanks you for your service and sends you their best wishes. I will send you another package soon. What magazines do you like? I found that I really don’t know, hence the word-finding book! Don’t forget to tell me what you need and want and I’ll send it. Whatever you ask for you shall receive.

I haven’t talked to you in almost three days. 11:22 on Friday you called. I know you miss us. But try not to think too much. That is what hurts me- the thinking. I’m taking care of business here but nothing is the same. Our life together is all I want or need. God has given us so much. I trust Him. It feels good to know He wants us together. God bless you, _____y. I pray for you every day (and ask others to do so also). Remember the shooting star…one day we will be holding each other again, closer than ever before. My full heart, soul, tears, blood, baby, gratitude, adoration, admiration, respect, and awe go out to you, Mr. _____ _. _____.
Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____

___________________________________________

_____ and I aren’t legally married yet but I defy anyone to describe a more committed couple. We are married absent a legal document. I firmly believe that God believes us to be married. I know some will think that statement is sacrilegious and I’m sorry. But in my deepest heart, I feel like He sanctions it. We are married.

I really resented when people had asked me if I was going to marry _____ before he left. The reason I resented it so much was because it implied that he might die and that the children and I would not be left taken care of because we wouldn’t be dependents. I realize that that was a practical thing to be thinking about, but I fiercely rebutted the practicality of it by believing that we are circumventing the system by having listed me as a beneficiary on his life insurance policy, and that because the baby will be his natural child he or she will be entitled to certain things even if _____ and I are not. I also refuse to believe that there is a true possibility that he might die. So when people asked me that question it made me not want to marry him to spite them. I do things like that sometimes. That was not the only reason though.

There were at least two other reasons. One of them was that I am already hooked up with an OB/GYN and a psychiatrist, neither of whom take Tricare, the Armed Forces health insurance. I don’t know how the whole Tricare thing works and whether I would have to drive to base to get all my medical care, and I like being in control of what’s going on in that sense. I’m very paranoid and panicky when it comes to things like that, because of bad past experiences. I didn’t want to rock the boat, particularly at a crucial time in my healthcare needs.
The other reason was that I had gotten married while I was pregnant once before. I refused to do it again. And _____ understood that and agreed that it would be better to wait. He wanted me to be happy on our wedding day, not resentful. So although he had pushed the topic preliminarily when the subject of deployment had first arisen, because he knew how the military handled such issues, he stopped talking about it once he knew where I stood on it and why. In fact, the weekend before he left I changed my mind. I decided I wanted to marry him before he left and that we should get married with my family present and have a “real” wedding when he returned. I found a cheesy chapel that could do a last minute wedding but _____ had his reservations. He didn’t buy that I wouldn’t regret it. I insisted that I wouldn’t. What swayed me was that when I called my parents to tell them my idea, my own father said, “You’ve already made your decision and it was based on some good reasons, so just let it go now. He’ll be back, and you can marry him then. Don’t worry, he’ll be back.”

Continuation of Letter #2 (Day 3)

2006-02-02T15:28:00.000-08:00

Sunday, February 2, 2003;
10:24AM-our bed (Day 3)

Hi! Sorry I didn’t write more yesterday. I didn’t take a nap before church after all. I got a call from Annette and talked to her. We went to church and _____ was well behaved again! I was a little emotional at church- especially at the singing parts. I took the notes for you. I think I’ll mail you the church notes each week. Also, we got a little handbook- I’ll send it to you in your package.

We went to my parents’ house after church. My mom made casserole. I was talking to her outside and we talked about our wedding. I said we want to get married soon after you get back and she said she and my dad thought we would. So she said how about late September and we can take our honeymoon over Christmas break? I think it’s a great idea! We are going to the Sportsmen’s Lodge Thursday morning to talk to the lady there. If she has a date available we will book it!!! So the problem will be my dress- you see, I will be too fat to order one when I’m supposed to. She said we’ll figure it out. I’m excited! I’m going to put lots of thought and effort into my _____ love wedding! Yay! Also, my mom said she’ll go with me to the ultrasound! Can you believe it? She’s being so nice! Yay!

Okay, this is my morning addition. I will fill the page later in the day, okay? I love you so much. I adore you.

Later Sunday, 5:20PM-our bed

Hey there. I’m back.

Today I’ve cried more. It hurts a lot. I just want you home.

So today we walked again. We walked to Ralph’s. On the way back we stopped at the Paradise Café- you know, where that hotel is? We ate at that breakfast buffet there, remember? We sat outside today. I had the buffet again. We saw my sister there. I had forgotten she was doing some seminar thing there. So we ate with her. At Ralph’s I got you a few things. While we were walking _____ cried a little- he said it was because you were not with us. He misses you. So do I.

The rest of the day has hurt. I am actually crying right now. I want you here. I would do anything to see you and be with you. Okay, let me stop this. It hurts so much.

People have been literally stunned to hear you left. They say they knew it was coming but it is still a shock. One person who seemed really disturbed by it is Craig. I talked to him online last night and then saw him again at church. He kept saying he couldn’t believe it, etc. and was interested in knowing what was going on. He was pretty sad.

Soon it will be dark again. Another night missing you. I can’t ever imagine anyone loving anyone as much as I love you. And I know you love me too. My heart is broken and will only heal when you return. You are missed dearly and there is an empty hole in our lives right now. I’ll be okay. I adore you. Stay positive. I’ll write tomorrow.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____
__________________________________

I feel like I’ve started idealizing _____. I’ve never had a true respect, let alone admiration and awe, for a man. A feeling has welled up in me that is larger than my ever-expanding body. I feel like I’m related to this much larger-than-life, ultra-famous, ultra-respected, self-sacrificing, simply phenomenal human being. Not only am I related to him, but I’m having his baby! I feel like it’s becoming a very large piece of my identity. I am extremely proud of that man, in a way even my usually overly-verbal self cannot find the words to adequately describe. It’s too large to grasp.

The inflammatory flipside of this is that I’m not completely certain about the validity of the reason the U.S. is over there. I have certain friends that are so against Bush and his decision send our military to Kuwait that they can’t see where the pride or the appreciation fits in and I wholeheartedly resent that. In _____’s case, and since I don’t purport to know of anyone else’s circumstances I only speak of _____, he went to do his job, which is to support the Marine Corps in their operations by caring for their heath and treating any possible injuries. When deemed allowable by his superiors and authorized by his command he will be equipped to provide humanitarian aid as well. He did not join the military for political reasons. He was a minor when he joined, anxious to escape rural Wyoming and to earn money for college. He was intrigued by the idea of defending our nation from danger. His intentions have always been honorable and I suspect the great majority of the military fall into this category and it is vital that those who oppose the administration recognize that the rank and file are merely that.

Day 2

2006-02-01T18:37:00.000-08:00

I put _______ to bed and close the door and go to my room like I do every night. A few minutes later I hear the drone of a little boy crying in his pillow so I quickly go back into his room. I already know what is going on.

“I miss _____ ,” his contorted little face looks at me in the dark. It makes me cry. I get in bed next to him. He had grown very accustomed to ____ coming in after me every night to say good night to him so after I had closed the door his absence had been dense.

“So do I.”

“Mom, if I sleep in my bed, I’m afraid I will be tempted to play with my toys after you leave. Can I sleep with you?”

I chuckle. “You’re so cute. Yes, you can sleep with me. You can sleep on ____’s side, okay? You can keep it warm for him.”

“Okay.”

So I guess _____ is going to take on a new job as bed-warmer. I see a silver lining in this. I had previously mourned the end of an era in which it had been only the two of us, before we had met _____. I had been a single mother for a number of years after a very mad relationship/marriage. I had enjoyed the years I had spent with _____ immensely and view them as nothing short of a blessing. Those years gave us the opportunity to form a close relationship that we would otherwise not have formed, had we been sharing a household with other family members. We had our own little routines and traditions. For the few moments of loneliness I felt, the overwhelming benefit was a freedom, a self-respect, and a mother-son bond that to me is non-reproducible. I hope it was as beneficial for him as it was for me. So the silver lining here is the chance to recapture that, while brewing this baby. The environment dismal. The very air we breathe rancid. But we have each other.

In the middle of the night I suddenly hear my answering machine pick up. I jump up to try to connect the phone because we still have dial-up Internet and I have the computer plugged in instead of the phone. It takes me too long and the machine beeps. It was ______! He leaves a short message and hangs up. My heart is racing. Then my cell phone rings and I answer it. He is in New York at the airport. They had landed to refuel. I had completely not expected to hear from him and am caught off guard but thrilled beyond belief. He tells me that leaving was one of the saddest moments of his life and that he will never forget how ______ looked crying and standing behind me. We only talk for about five minutes but it is an absolutely joyful experience. He tells me that they are going to refuel again in Italy and that he'll try to call me from there too.

I have a surreal feeling now. Almost like the bond hasn't been completely severed and he isn't quite gone? After all, I'm going to talk to him again in a few hours...
______________________________________

Letter #2
Day 2
Saturday, February 1, 2003; 2:20PM- our bed

Hi My Sweet-It was so awesome to talk to you last night. I’m sorry you weren’t able to call me back from Italy. You must not have been able to use the phone.

Today so far I took a walk with _____ to the park. We stopped at Jennifer’s Coffee on Moorpark and Tujunga- neat place. Then we went to the stationery store next door to get some stationery for us to write to you. I mailed letter #1. We used the RC cars. A few minutes after we got there we heard “boo!” and it was my mom. I had told her we were walking there so she came by. It was really nice of her. It made me feel pretty good. She stayed the whole time- maybe an hour and a half- and she drove us home. She said to come by after church and she’ll cook us dinner. I’m glad about that. I might sleep before church. Very _____ of me! I sure miss calling us _____ and all of the other cute little names we made up.

I slept with your shirt as a pillowcase last night. I’m going to keep it like that until you are back.

I thought you’d like hearing that I took that walk today. That was part of my motivation for doing it.

My mom called your mom today and left a message. She just said how highly she and my dad think of you and that they’re around if she needs them.

I’ll write more after church, okay? I love you.

3 Years Ago Today He Left For Kuwait...

2006-01-31T20:58:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd share this...

__________________________
January 2003

Letter #1
Day 1
Friday, January 31, 2003; 9:30PM- our bed

Lovey Love! It’s me! You left today…so here is my first letter. I miss you so much already, it’s insane. After your bus left we left- we stopped at McDonalds to pee and get some food. Then we drove home. We were home by two.

I immediately joined that internet message board for military wives and girlfriends I was telling you about. I told them the day had come that I felt I finally belonged there. I have been mostly numb and in a daze. At five we went to my parents’ house to take your car there. It’s there now, battery detached. My parents were nice to me. My mom took ________ and me to dinner. We went to Maria’s. That was a little hard. In the car on the way there I started feeling guilty. Like, I’m on my way to a nice restaurant while you are on your way to the Middle East to fight a possible war. I couldn’t handle it. My mom said she knew I would feel guilty. Strange. I knew you’d want me to go but it was still this crazy guilt. I ate though.

You know how _______ sobbed this morning? He did it again tonight at bedtime. I felt that way too. Night time is going to be tough. He said he’d color for you tomorrow, and then he felt better. He’s asleep now, in your spot. He said he’d be tempted to play with toys in his room so could he please sleep with me. Hahaha.

My mom got this God Bless America plaque for her kitchen. We talked about the baby too. Do you like the name Jordan? If so, for boys or girls? I love you so much. Damn. Sooo much. I’m doing well at being numb so far. Once the real pain comes it will be hard to live so I am prolonging it. Thinking = Pain.

I will be sending you a package soon. Oh I saw your dad online. He was still at the girlfriend’s house- he didn’t get your message. I told him what you said. He loves you.

The time seems sooo long. That gets me down. How will the weeks pass? I guess I will find out. Don’t forget about our shooting star. God showed it to us.

I’m imagining tomorrow sometime around church you will be landing.

I don’t know what else to say. I just adore you and have so much I want to share with you in life. I love you so much.

By the way, to see ______ cry like that- you really are his father. That is a son’s cry for his father. God bless you for that. You are true gold.

Doing things I always do with you will hurt. Church will hurt. Everything will be okay though. I can’t wait to have you back here where you belong. Thank you for defending our country. That comes from a lot of people, not just me. You are a hero.

Fuck, I just looked at that picture. The one on the desk that is so “you”. See, I can make a letter out of anything! And you thought one day would be too little to write about! This is only half a days worth!

What nuts do you like? What magazines? What batteries does your Game Boy take? Do you want some games? Tell me whatever you need or want and it’s there. Do you want me to catch you up on any shows? I didn’t really watch tonight. It’s comedy night for us. Just last week you were saying “No Reba!” Hahaha!

Ok my love. This is Day 1. We’re okay. It had to start for it to end, right? Ok- here is a quote I got from church once: “In times of darkness don’t forget what He has shown you in times of light.” I like that. And He has shown us so much. And He will again.

I adore you. I will write again tomorrow.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
________

Cumulative Severe Stress

2006-01-19T18:29:00.000-08:00

Who would have guessed, huh? So my heart is fine, luckily. He asked me a bunch of questions, and apparently the fact that I have been sick every single day for weeks is also because of this. He told me he wants me to go to my psychiatrist and get on something. I really don't want to. I am already on enough stuff. My husband thinks I probably should, just to alleviate the physical symptoms. I am extremely reluctant because I think that:

1.) I have been through a LOT of traumatizing things in my life, but none have ever manifested themselves in this physical manner. This tells me how hard I'm taking this...I think it's really important for me to know that and not to forget it until my body tells me to...

2.) The medication will also help me with obsessive/compulsive thoughts. You see, it took me many years to get to a point where I was okay enough with myself not to drive myself insane with certain thoughts. Now they're back. I want to go through the necessary steps within myself to get rid of them again, if possible. I'm afraid if I relieve myself of them temporarily through medication, I won't have the motivation to do so and also won't be able to gauge their severity, or how much I am improving.

3.) Since this was all brought on by an external factor and it's not an actual "diagnosis" from which I suffer (i.e. I will only need the meds temporarily, unlike my bipolar meds), I don't think I want to mess with it. Honestly, I'm on enough stuff...I don't know how the new pill will interact with my other stuff, etc. Ugh.

4.) Maybe this physical pain is something I need to go through.

I am going to pray about it anyway and see what I think God wants me to do about it.

My Heart: Dying? Healing? Weird...

2006-01-18T10:42:00.000-08:00

I was at dinner on Monday night and all of a sudden after only eating a few bites of a salad I felt EXTREMELY full, so I stopped eating. A few seconds later I felt like I had HORRIBLE heartburn. I had to lean back in the booth. About a minute later it was so bad that I couldn't move or speak. I felt like I might die. I felt my skin tingle, particularly my right arm and my brain. I felt my ears close up- I couldn't really hear and I felt like I was going to pass out. My chest felt heavy (I could still breath and I wasn't having trouble breathing). I felt extreme heat in my torso, going up and down. I really thought I was going to die. I was in a terrible amount of pain and was unable to move. After about 10 minutes the pain slowly subsided, although the rest of the symptoms remained for a few more minutes. Slowly those also went away and I was able to sit up. Then I was fine.

We had just come from counseling. It had been a pretty good session I think.

Here is the thing: In August I had an ultrasound, EKG, and stress test done by a cardiologist and my heart was FINE. He did say he was very concerned about my cholesterol (I have genetically high cholesterol. I eat relatively well. I am on Lipitor so it is good now.) He said I must keep taking Lipitor and I do. Other than that, I was good. I had gone in because I was having chest pains, and I have had them for years. He said it must be something else because there was nothing wrong with me.

I'm wondering if in that short a period of time something could have gone wrong with my heart?! I have an appointment to see him again tomorrow morning just in case. Otherwise it must have been a panic attack, I'm thinking. I've never had one before. Or anything even remotely like this, for that matter.
_________________________

My husband has been the epitome of nice the past few days. Before the episode happened, even. It's like a dream. I'm loving it. I see the old him again. I can't believe it. Can this last?

At counseling on Monday the therapist said that the way to build trust again is by him sharing himself with me, and that over time a bond will be created. He said that true trust won't come from me knowing passwords and being able to check up on him, etc. but by building this bond. He said that sometimes when people share intimate stories with one another it can seem as if it is very automatic (not always, just with some people), and that you just have to keep doing it, because there will come a point when something that seems insignificant like a memory of a smell, a sound, something very small will suddenly break that barrier and the person will break down and that is when the true bonding really starts. Interesting.

We have been talking quite a bit in bed at night. About his upbringing. It was horrible. I see why he is the way he is. I can't stand that he was raised that way and treated that way on a constant basis. I know a lot of people who were treated poorly at times, but he was constantly treated miserably. He seems to have rarely gotten relief. I'm sad for him. I want to help heal him as much as I can (without damaging myself more) and he doesn't want to damage me more either. I hope it can work out. I really do love him.

I'm 30 Years Old

2006-01-11T14:24:00.000-08:00

I started worrying about posting here for fear of annoying people with what I think about or who I am.

Anyway, this morning I pictured my husband taking work girl to the movies. He had asked her to go see "Saw 2" with him but she couldn't go. I pictured that he'd pay. He'd buy snacks. He'd try to touch her in the theatre. He'd probably try to kiss her. He'd be excited, nervous, shaking. This is sick to me. Sick.

He told me that in his health class the instructor told them that in our mid to late 30's we reach our peaks and we may stay at a plateau for a while, and then we decline. This startled me. I'm 30, so the first number of my age is already a "3". I've always been scared of aging in a way. Scared to death of time. But now that all of this has happened, I'm pretty terrified.

I've always thought, "I have time". For example: I am in a bad relationship. I don't have the courage or whatever it is that it takes to get out of it. It's okay though. I'm still young. I have time to do it later and still have many years ahead to find someone else and have a great life with him.

I got married and I thought I had found the love of my life. I thought I had found all the security I would ever need or want, and under those circumstances aging would be a lot easier. It would be something I could handle and maybe even enjoy, with the man I love. Now I don't know this world around me. I don't know my life. The rug has been pulled out from under. I look in the mirror and I still look the same, but I have fear in my eyes because I know the clock is ticking. One day soon my face won't look like this anymore. If I was to meet someone else, they would only see pictures of me like this. They will never have known me with this face. That scares and upsets me. It makes me sad. It makes me mad. My youth is being stolen.

I think about the work girl. She is 21. I used to be 21. I wouldn't want to be 21 again. Ever. Lots of horrible stuff happened to me that year. And one wonderful and incredible thing. I became a mother to a beautiful boy. But I was a sick and sad girl. Much like I still am. Only I didn't know the things I know now. I didn't have the same perspective so I was a lot more lost.

I just have a lot fewer years ahead of me before my decline now, and I don't know where I am. Where am I?

Perpetual Confusion

2006-01-06T09:56:00.000-08:00

1.) Background: Husband had a crush on a girl back in 6th grade (or so he says). Her name was Kelli. I know about this because it was a password he used for EVERYTHING. I felt it was a little weird that he was using another girl's name for his password when we were in a serious relationship and I am a very insecure person, so many years ago I explained this to him and asked him if he could please change passwords and he said he would. It never came up again and it was great.

Next: When all of this recent drama came up I realized that in many of the tons of different accounts he has he has still been using that password. Not just for the dirty things, but for regular things as well. It was such a stab in the heart. I use his name for so many passwords. He's my husband, of course I do. I wouldn't dream of using another man's name as a password. Furthermore, for the passwords that he knows I have access to, he has gone out of his way to use other passwords in order to deceive me: to make me think he doesn't use Kelli anymore, basically to make me shut up about it.

2.) Background: When I first met him he told me he has only been in love once and it was with a girl named Christina but that she only considered him a friend. She married his best friend. He told me, at the time, that he was still in love with her. Over time as our relationship developed and we fell in love I obviously assumed that faded away. When he was in Iraq and I had just had the baby, we were talking on the phone one night and he told me that he had called her and her husband. He said, "I realized I am finally over it." That was such a punch in the gut I can't even tell you.

3.) Tying this in: Yesterday I was looking through his notes from his classes from last semester. I was doing it because I wanted to see if he had doodled anything while he was taking notes, because I wanted to see what had been on his mind. Yes, I am obsessed. There was a page that said, in the margin,:

Our Daughter's Name
My Name
? Kelly (this is the work girl he wanted to have sex with)
? Mary Jay (another girl from work)
? Kelli
? Christina
x-factor?

All of it was crossed out except for "x-factor".
Um, why is my 26-year-old husband writing names of girls from 6th grade and high school and work in his anthropology notebook? I'm so distraught. I am already a person with extreme issues in this area. Ugh. I could just die.

Some 4AM Thoughts

2006-01-03T04:25:00.000-08:00

When I awaken in the bare, still, quiet night, the moment of realization of what my life has become brings such dread and dispair that I am often beside myself with grief. These are usually the worst moments in any given 24-hour cycle for me. The inescapable confrontation with my own reality: No, this is really NOT a dream. This is really happening.

Maybe I wish I had never found out what kind of a man my husband really is. I think back to the many blatant signs an intelligent woman would ordinarily have obviously investigated further, yet I bought his paper-thin explanations. It seems quite evident that I didn't want to know more. I was very content in my world where my husband was a broken hero; A man of great honor and courage, whom with a little setting straight and the right therapy could once again live out his best characteristics. Now I see that I have probably never even known this man. That makes me afraid, depressed, deeply disappointed, disillusioned, and confirms to me, on a certain level, that not only am I completely incapable of choosing a partner for myself, but that I am probably not worthy of a good companion and will most likely never have one. That burns me to the core. All I have ever wanted was love and I have so much to give. I hear all of the bad voices from my past telling me I'd never have it because I don't deserve it, and I feel that their prophecies and assessments of me are perhaps correct and I am shocked and dismayed...I had built my self-esteem up to a point where I had believed them to be wrong.

I had started to take for granted the idea that I would have a companion to grow old with, a la "The Notebook". But that is truly a gift few people are lucky enough to be given in this lifetime. I see now that I may very well never find such love, and that breaks my heart terribly. I want to be the love of someone's life. I'm so sad right now, because I had thought I was but have found out I am not. If I had never been tricked this way I could have spent this time looking for him rather than having invested it, among all of this love, into someone else. Now I am, once again, a total fool. This time I even wore a wedding gown and walked down the aisle. I have been robbed.

The truth is though, when I imagine my true love and how he would feel toward me and treat me, it is a completely imaginary thing. I have nothing to base it on and nothing to compare it to. That's how I know it is a myth. I've never even seen this, except in movies. Everyone I have been near has been the same. I've always ended up the same. Funny, I was in Target yesterday and I felt so horrible I wanted to fall to the floor and scream. No matter what my accomplishments or what it may seem like, I was the lowliest person in that whole store. No one was worse or more disgusting. No one was as pathetic. These are immutable traits.

Me v. Life

2006-01-02T19:41:00.000-08:00

I've been fighting like fucking hell for years, tooth and nail, and life is really trying to get me. It is really trying to take me out. I'm pretty strong sometimes and I have clawed my way out of some very deep dark pits, but unexpected hot burning coals keep being thrown at me and I have been unprepared to deal with the injuries I have received. I have taken many painful beatings and I'm back in a deep pit and I think I might have been blinded this time, though maybe just temporarily? I can't see. I can only feel, and all I can feel is a throbbing and overflowing ooze of shame, disappointment, fear, sorrow, loneliness, and misery. I don't want to move too much because I might scratch myself on something and have to feel even more.

Master of illusion that I am, I try as much as possible to distract myself with flashes of shiny possibilities that appear to glow and radiate, though they may only be in my imagination. When the day is done, I am even deeper in the pit because the glistening hope seemed to materialize into what was nothing more than one of my tears that was catching the light in a particular way, and once it dried it left me with less than I'd even had before, though I hadn't thought that possible...

Update: Counseling Has Begun/Resolutions, Anyone?

2005-12-30T18:41:00.000-08:00

Well, we started counseling on Wednesday FINALLY. He is an MFT that one of our pastors recommended (yes, it is "Christian" counseling, but all that has meant so far is that we prayed with him before and after our session.) I found him to be EXTREMELY sharp and I felt really comfortable with him. I'm awfully skeptical about counselors, having seen my share of them, so I didn't walk in there necessarily expecting to click with him right off the bat like I did. I'm so glad though.

We each gave him an overview of the issues as we saw them, and then he told us how he thought counseling should be tackled and that the goal is to STOP going to counseling, so it is important to take what we learn outside of the room each week (eventually). He explained a lot about the dynamics of healthy and unhealthy relationships (oh wow) and he explained that I will have to make a lot of decisions about boundaries for myself. I guess I might be a codependent. That will have to be explored.

I'm hopeful about it. Not just for our relationship, which may or may not be fixable, but for myself. I think I am going to grow a ton from this. I am very excited about it.
_________

Happy New Year to all of you. I hope 2006 will be a very fruitful year for all of us. Does anyone have any particular New Year's resolutions they wish to share?

It's Christmas Eve!......

2005-12-24T07:57:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to all my Christmas-celebrating friends.
Happy Chanukah to all my Chanukah-celebrating friends.

Hi everybody. Yes, I'm still alive. It's been a harrowing number of days. I don't know what the heck I'm doing, but somehow I'm still here. This is just a really surreal experience so I don't think it's really penetrated yet. I just want this pain to end and I just want to feel hope again. I am trying to look for the silver lining. I've gone through just about every possible thought and emotion (each one every day too, just about) and it's so tiring. I'm exhausted.

On a different note, I found this article and I thought I'd post it. It was interesting to me and obviously very timely.

Have a Holly, Jolly Holiday
By Neely Tucker
Washington Post Staff WriterTuesday,
December 20, 2005; Page C01

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in considering the ongoing war on Christmas, let us begin with the evidence that Mathew Staver, president of the Liberty Counsel, calls "Exhibit A."

Said prosecutorial evidence is tiny Ridgeway Elementary School in Ridgeway, Wis. Youngsters are set to perform a play in which the lyrics to "Silent Night," which celebrates the Christ child's birth, have been changed to "Cold in the Night," which do not. The charge, leveled by both Staver's group and the American Family Association, is that this school rewrote a sacred song to erase Christ from Christmas.

Earlier this month, both groups fired off outraged press releases. TV networks reacted with segments. Conservative bloggers howled. The school principal got 1,500 e-mails. One unhappy Christian called Pat Reilly, the school board treasurer, a "spineless liberal [expletive]."

Here's Tucker Carlson of MSNBC, interviewing Staver:
"It is kind of heartening, I think, for Christians to see this, all this outrage, all this fear at Christmastime, you know, Christmas tree, Christmas carol, 'Silent Night'-- oh, that's a, you know, that's a subversive song -- because it means that Christianity isn't dead. It still has the capacity to scare people. It still gives people the creeps."

Giving people "the creeps" at Christmas is a serious thing, so we decided some actual reporting might be in order.

The first thing we found out, contrary to both news releases, is that nobody at the school rewrote anything. The song is part of a copyrighted play. Really in-depth reporting -- making two phone calls -- revealed the offending playwright and composer to be one Dwight Elrich. No one had talked to him until we called.

Here is what we found out:

(a) Elrich was a music director for a choir at Bel Air Presbyterian, former president Ronald and Nancy Reagan's church in California, for decades.

(b) "Cold in the Night" is part of a children's play called "The Little Christmas Tree" (note title). The little tree sings the little song. The little tree is looking for a family to take it home, sort of like Charlie Brown's little tree. The play comes with a "Christian" page, which may be performed or not. In Ridgeway, where the play has been performed for years, it is sung with Christian Christmas songs, including "Angels We Have Heard on High."

(c) Elrich's other musicals: "What in the World Is Christmas?" (Answer: "Kids from around the world celebrating Jesus's birth.") "Christmas in Hawaii," "365 Days of Christmas Each Year!"

(d) "The Little Christmas Tree" has been performed in more than 500 schools and churches across the country for nearly two decades. Mostly churches.

Statement by the defendant:

"I'm just flabbergasted. I'm a choir director in a church! I do Christmas carols in retirement homes! I perform 'Silent Night' 40 or 50 times each year! I thought the play was a really charming, wonderful, positive story about love and acceptance . . . removing it from the Christian tradition was something I never thought anyone could ever come up with. We were telling a story about a little tree, so we used a familiar tune to help the kids get it."

Of course, this is just one exhibit on the prosecutorial table. Let's look at another. Let's go to Fox News. Here's host Bill O'Reilly, in a recent broadcast:

"In Plano, Texas, a school told students they couldn't wear red and green because they are Christmas colors. That's flat-out fascism."

Here's a corresponding memo from Doug Otto, superintendent of schools for Plano:
"The school district does not restrict students or staff from wearing certain color clothes during holiday times or any other school days. . . . Our attorney requested of Mr. O'Reilly that, in the future, he ask his fact checkers to do a more thorough job of confirming the facts before he airs them."

O'Reilly did not correct his broadcast in a prepared statement, instead noting that there was ongoing litigation about other Christmas-related issues at the school.
And . . . oh, you've heard the rest, in this, the Christmas of our discontent. Some of it is actually real.

There is the "Merry Christmas" vs. "Happy Holidays" brouhaha, and the "Christmas tree" vs. "holiday tree" smackdown. Those two issues alone have involved Target, Wal-Mart, Sears, the city of Boston, the state of Georgia, the White House and too many others to count. The AFA and the Liberty Counsel alone have mobilized 1,500 Christian lawyers to do battle.

So far, they've encountered maybe 60 problem areas, Staver says.

"A lot of soldiers in this battle are not going to have much to do but drink eggnog," says Barry Lynn, executive director of Americans United for Separation of Church and State, who often debates Jerry Falwell and others on these kinds of issues. "We're not out there trying to make this an unpleasant season."

On the other hand: "People are so worried about offending the minority, they go ahead and offend the majority, who are Christians," says Tim Wildmon, president of the American Family Association.

The "war" is composed of conservative Christian groups railing against "politically correct" advertising campaigns that, they say, do not include the words "Merry Christmas" in sales literature or seasonal greetings. Some municipalities and government institutions -- including the U.S. Capitol for many years -- refer to a Christmas tree as a "holiday tree," also drawing flak.

It is an emotional campaign -- a petition against Target for not including "Christmas" in its advertising drew more than 600,000 signatures -- but it is also an easy one. Virtually all of the stores that conservative groups have targeted have quickly changed their advertising to feature "Christmas" more prominently, as have many of the groups that had "holiday trees."

And despite some high-powered rhetoric -- Fox News host John Gibson says in the subtitle of his book "The War on Christmas" that there is a "liberal plot to ban the sacred Christian holiday" -- neither Gibson, nor anyone at the AFA, the Liberty Counsel, Lynn's group or the ACLU, is aware of an attempt to halt religious observance of Christmas or to stop making it an official federal holiday. And the real irony, religious and academic scholars point out, is that Christmas is observed in one way or another by more Americans than at any point in the nation's history; indeed, more than any nation at any time in history.

Given that, perhaps it's not surprising that substantially more people (52 percent) were worried about the commercialization of Christmas than they were about any opposition to displays of religious symbols in public places (35 percent), according to a new nationwide poll by the Pew Research Center. Some 83 percent of respondents said they preferred "Merry Christmas" to something like "Happy Holidays." But in a follow-up question, a plurality of 45 percent said it really didn't matter much either way.

To Karal Ann Marling, a University of Minnesota professor of popular culture who documented the holiday's evolution in "Merry Christmas! Celebrating America's Greatest Holiday," the campaign is an attempt to whitewash the nation's religious and ethnic mosaic.

"I don't want them to come to my house and poison my dog, but the religious right wants all of American religious life to be permeated by one point of view, and it's just not so," she says.

"Persecution of Christians, at Christmas? In this country? None that I'm aware of," says James P. Byrd Jr., assistant dean of the Vanderbilt University Divinity School. He graces the observation with a gentle laugh, a comforting sound in this suddenly confrontational season.
Instead, Byrd suggests looking at the current fray in a larger context: conservative Christians yearning for what appears to be a simpler time. When Christmas was Christmas, the argument goes.

It might look something like this:

It is about 1950. A good clean snow has fallen. It crunches underfoot as you round the turn into your yard. Darkness is falling. It is not just quiet, it is peaceful. The small lamp in the kitchen window throws a shaft of light onto the snow. Your mother is there, cooking, singing lightly to herself. It will smell like baking, when you walk in, stamping the snow off your boots, throwing off the cold. Presents will be by the tree. Your pop will be in the easy chair, your little sister tramping down the stairs in her angel costume ready to go to the pageant.

Your heart freeze-frames: This is Christmas.

And now you wake up and it's 2005. You go to hear the kid's Christmas play, except by the time it clears all the church-state hurdles the ACLU worries about, it sounds more like "Songs of Many Lands as Sung by 6-Year-Olds." The Christmas Tree at the Capitol in Washington, they call it a "holiday tree" most years now. Even President Bush, a devout Christian, sends out a Christmas card that does not say "Merry Christmas." Now you hear a lot about Kwanzaa, Hanukkah and "the holidays."

What is to be made of all this?

Byrd says the attention to other traditions, the growing complexity of American life, is frustrating to some Christians, who grew up accustomed to Christmas being the preeminent holiday.

"It's the concept of the majority, and what rights they have to define American holidays, about what it means to be an American," Byrd says. "The majority of Americans are Christians who celebrate Christmas, and yet there is a sense of alienation that they are still not able to dominate discourse."

And there is one problem with that pristine image of the American Ghost of Christmas Past, he and others say: It never quite existed. "White Christmas" -- which became one of the best-selling songs of all time -- was already lamenting a season "just like the ones I used to know" in 1939. The same year, entrepreneur Charles Howard opened one of the first Santa Claus schools, dismayed by the cynical crush of "bums, ham actors, and thousands of odd job men" who were cashing in by playing the man in red.

Confrontations over Christmas are as old as the day itself. The Bible mentions Christ's birth in a manger, which brings the tradition of the star in the night, the three wise men and many others. But it was nearly 400 years after Christ died before church officials thought to make the date of birth a holiday. This was greatly complicated by the fact that no one knew the exact date. But in 395, church officials set it as Dec. 25, putting it amid a huge pagan festival in ancient Rome known as Saturnalia. The latter was a raucous celebration -- lots of alcohol and sex -- that church officials allowed to continue as a means of attracting converts.

"That made sure the holiday would be observed, but it gave up any real Christian control over it," says Stephen Nissenbaum, author of "The Battle for Christmas."

Across northern Europe, there were pagan celebrations that stemmed from the dark, fallow days of the winter solstice. As Christianity spread, the two often overlapped, even as Europeans began to settle America. The Puritans were horrified at the combination. Finding no mention of Dec. 25 in their Bibles, they banned the holiday as sacrilegious.

"People drank a lot, caroused in the street," says Leigh Schmidt, professor of religion at Princeton University and author of "Consumer Rites: The Buying and Selling of American Holidays." "Puritans thought Christmas was the worst day in the year to preach Christ, because people showed up at church after imbibing a lot of rum."

The founding fathers had no Santa Claus (Saint Nicholas, a minor European saint, did not morph into the current image of the gift-laden Santa Claus until the 1820s). There were no Christmas trees (a German import that didn't take root until the 1840s). Dec. 25 wasn't made a federal holiday under the first 17 American presidents (including George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison and Abraham Lincoln). The holiday did not come until 1870, under Ulysses Grant, perhaps one of the least pious of presidents.

As the decades passed, Christmas became a holiday that celebrated the values of home and hearth and family and generosity, not just a Christian rite. There was Santa and the magic of childhood, a particularly Victorian ideal, that went alongside the Christian underpinning.
By the early 1900s, when companies began to learn how much they could commercially exploit the Santa Claus magic (Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer began life as a Montgomery Ward advertising gambit) the modern idea of Christmas was born.

Today, secular Hollywood gives us Christmas shows and Christmas specials without end, not to mention Christmas-themed movies. It is virtually impossible to walk into a commercial enterprise in America this week and not be overwhelmed with Christmas symbolism.
Which, says Staver, the Liberty Counsel president, is exactly the point. If stores are going to profit from Christmas, then they should at least acknowledge the day itself. Calling the evergreen tree in the lobby a "holiday tree" is a needless insult, he says.

"It's so obvious, removing the word 'Christmas.' It made a non-controversial issue controversial," he says. He speaks by cell phone from the steps of the federal courthouse in Jacksonville, Fla., where he has filed a request for an emergency injunction to allow a man to install a nativity scene in a public park between two tiny beachfront municipalities. "You come down to the question of 'Why?' Nobody renames Santa Claus or Hanukkah or Rudolph. A Christmas tree is a Christmas tree. It is exclusive to one thing. To say otherwise is contrary to history. It's an invention."

Historically speaking, academics and scholars agree, he's right: It is a Christmas tree.
You wonder if the Deity thinks that is the point. Or, perhaps, if it misses it entirely.

This Felt Great! It's Been A Long Time Coming.

2005-12-18T15:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Pastor XXXXX,

Hello! I'd like to introduce myself to you. My name is XXXX and I'm a member of the church and I've been attending XXXXXX for over 6 years now. I think you are a wonderful addition to the church!

Over the past year or so I've been having a major internal struggle with whether XXXXX is the church I need to be at. The main reason for this is that I am a strong lover and believer in Christ, but am a very politically liberal person, and more and more I have felt that given that, perhaps I don't fit in at XXXXXX. I stuck it out but it was a constent inner turmoil and something I have given tons of thought and prayer because I take this very seriously.

When XXXXX announced the plans for the new building, I was forced to confront this issue since I was either going to be 100% in or find a new church home. I prayed hard, talked to many people including a XXXX Pastor, and gave it tons of thought. I have decided to stay at XXXX. When I talked to the Pastor he suggested emailing some of the other Pastors, yourself included, because he feels that all of you are very open to the thoughts and feelings of church members. I thought maybe I'd give you a few of my thoughts and I certainly hope I don't offend you because I think you are a magnificent person and that you have golden intentions.

I will use last night's service as an example. I got a ton out of it because it completely applied to some tribulations I am going through in my life at the moment. I thank you very much for touching my heart and providing me comfort in the Lord. I would also like to point out though, that some of what you said is what would have previously created angst for me, though I have now made peace with it since I have found that the Lord has me there for other reasons and has asked me to handle this in a different way inside of myself.

So what I mean is, I am imagining myself coming into the church for the first or second time thirsting for a relationship with Jesus. I am hearing all of the great things that are being said, and I feel that I may belong. I think that maybe all I need to have inside to walk down that aisle at the end of the service is a desire to declare Jesus the son of God and the ruler of my life. But then...I hear that maybe I need more than that? Maybe I need to also subscribe to certain political beliefs in order to be a Christian? Hmmm, that's what I hear around town quite a bit, and maybe it's true. Maybe I don't belong here after all. I mean, I *AM* a democrat. Maybe this isn't the place for me after all. I believe in separation of church and state, pluralism, and things of that nature. I'm crushed but I guess I can't walk down that aisle. So I leave and never come back....

Luckily for me, I'm not that person because I have already found my place with the Lord and I am very comfortable with my belief system. I believe in Jesus Christ as much as anyone else there, yet I am very well versed in the law (I'm an attorney) and I truly believe in that wall...I ache for people like me who think they can't find a place with Christ simply because they see all of the "Bush-Cheney" stickers and such in the parking lot, and hear little snippets like that in the services that make them question the validity of their own love for Christ...I know how they feel (because even with my strong beliefs I almost left).

I know XXXXX wants to touch all of the city. That's why I'm telling you this. I truly fear you are shutting out a vast population. It makes me really sad. Anyway, thank you VERY much for reading this!!! I so appreciate it, you have no idea! You are such a lovely person and it really shines through. I wish you and your wife an extremely Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

Sincerely,
XXXXX

More On Us

2005-12-17T08:14:00.000-08:00

My husband says he believes he is addicted to pornography and he thinks it stems from being sexually molested by his sister when he was a child. He associates the whole thing with love/lack of love and he thinks that when he doesn't feel loved he slides back into the porn thing. Something to look into with a counselor.

He also has huge betrayal issues with women (men too actually). There's the one with his sister I just mentioned, but also that his mother knew about it and really failed to respond appropriately or protect him. His stepfather abused him physically for years and his mother didn't protect him from that either. He generally hates women (as a whole) and told me that he has felt like little things I have done have been acts of betrayal toward him. Even things that the average person wouldn't see as betrayal at all.

Me? I'm dealing with raw compulsions right now. Like the fact that I'm online all day and night trying to search for further information. I can't stop. I even paid $59 to have the cell phone number traced so I could get her full name and address. It came back as what I believe to be her on-again-off-again boyfriend's name and address. I am driving myself bonkers with trying to be detective here and "crack the case". What case, you ask? I just want to know. I just want to know who she is, what she looks like. I want to feel like I'm in more control than I am in right now.

Agony

2005-12-16T06:09:00.000-08:00

I am in so much pain right now I could die.

First I found the personals ads that looked like this:

Want to meet: A woman For: 1-on-1 Sex, Discreet Relationship, Other "Alternative" activities Title: "married man in need of sex. wife has no sex drive" Introduction Text: "i am a 25 y/o male, fun and outgoing in need of sex. had sex with only 1 other... i know for a fact iam clean."
Ideal Person:
i am looking for an outgoing fun woman willing to have either casual sex or a discreet relationship

Personal Information
Category:
Man Seeking Women
No Picture Submitted
Height:
Average
Build:
Average
Age:
25
Sex:
Male
Country:
CaliforniaLos Angeles Area
XXXXX " im so horney i am going to burst "
25 year old male, premed student, good looking, ex military, loves to give oral for hours.... looking for sexuel release

His real name (first and last) and home town were used. On the one in which he used a picture, he used a one of himself from our wedding. Yes, from our wedding.

Also, he had a little mini-romance with a girl from work. The only reason they didn't have sex was because she rejected him. He tried very hard to get her. He described her as "tall, skinny, 24-years-old, very pretty, as pretty as you, slutty, fun, cool, trashy, we have a lot in common, we're just friends, I thought of her the other day while I was having sex with you but just for a second, I think about her sometimes while I masturbate." (he didn't say all of that at once).

I found all of their text messages. It has been going on for a while. You should see the way he text messages her. SO SO flirtatious. I was shaking like a leaf while I was reading it. He was saying things like he had someone in mind to replace me when he moved out and she asked who and he said, "Oh just a girl I used to work with." (because she had just quit and moved away). He asked her to come back and visit soon, that he missed her and work wasn't the same without her. Was she "cumming" to work soon? He asked her to a movie. He admits he grabbed her butt and wrapped his arms around her and called her "babies" (I read it too). Barf. He texted that he was disappointed that she had come back down and he didn't get to see her.

I could DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE. I feel horrible. How could this be? This is not what I thought I was dealing with you guys. Not this.

He keeps saying he is going to go to a men's group at church (he did go on Wednesday) and try to find God because God hasn't been in his life for a very long time, if ever. He is going to counseling, etc. He went to talk to a Pastor and confide in him, etc.

Come on, is there ANY way in hell this could work out, or no? I'm so sad. I'm so hurt. Wow.

He Is Moving Out And Things Might Be Great Again...

2005-12-09T12:39:00.000-08:00

My husband is going to move out in January. But...I consider this really good news. Here's why:

The other night when I was driving home I called him and said, "You used to drive really far on a daily basis to visit us. You were so excited to see us. Remember that? What happened?"

"I do remember that. You also used to drive really far to see me. What happened to you?"

"Oh no you don't. We have had this discussion too many times and I am not going to have it again. I waited for you to come home, and as I was waiting I was the same person...sure, people change and grow, but fundamentally I have remained the same person. You know that. I have been the same pain in the ass I have always been from birth on. What you see is what you get. You returned to me a changed man."

"I know I did. That's true."

"I really don't see you doing anything to help yourself. You used to be a really mellow and slow-to-anger guy. I really liked that about you. You were so calming to be around. Now you are such an angry person. You exude anger."

"I know. I am angry. I really am. I became angry over there and I'm still angry. I don't know how to change that but it needs to change. I need you to know that I'm never going to be the person I used to be."

"I understand that. I really do. But you can be a third person...a new person that is neither the person you were nor the person you are now. A person you can find that is within you. You need to be in intensive therapy though to do that."

"I know, I know...That's why I really need to move out. It's something I just can't do while living at home. I need to find out what qualities I like about myself. Right now I don't like any. I need to see what is inside of me and get to find out who I am. I also need to miss you and learn to appreciate you by being away a little."

"Okay. I can understand that. I am so happy to hear this you don't even know. I really hope and pray that you aren't just giving me false hope here. I really hope you will follow through with this."

"So do I because it really needs to be done. I won't be able to have a good life if it isn't done- my life will get worse and worse."

"Yeah."

"I say that you have changed because you have changed in your reactions to me, but I know it's because of how I've changed. It's a vicious cycle."

"Well yes. No one exists in a vacuum. You come home with certain issues and they touch those around you, and then they bounce off us and it starts corroding everything."

"Yeah."
_________________________

And so the conversation went. I am so hoping this works out. For over a year I have been getting this message from God: "I want you to stay together." Then this past week I asked God to help me find a way to survive financially without him, and He showed me a way! I am getting 2 bonuses within the next 2 months, and something else happened (too boring to describe here) that will help me. So I thought, okay, God wants him to go. But then something ELSE happened that said, again: "I want you to stay together." I thought, "Hey, is God giving me a mixed message here?" I'm obviously misreading it....NOPE! *THIS* must be what He wants for us. He wants him out temporarily.

I haven't told anyone yet.

10 Reasons Gay Marriage Should Be Illegal (This is satirical)

2005-12-04T21:32:00.000-08:00

I didn't write this, but I think it's great and definitely postworthy!

01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

02) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

03) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

06) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

07) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

08) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.

09) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

I Heard This On The Radio And Wanted To Puke

2005-12-01T20:58:00.000-08:00

I have a long drive home after work and I flip through the stations on the radio constantly because I am easily bored. When I was almost home I caught some kind of talk show and a caller had just started his call. I realized, during the greetings, that it was the Tom Leykis Show. I have never listened to him before and knew nothing about him.

The call went something like this:

"Hi Dad."

"Hey there son."

"I need to thank you so much for the guidance you have given me in life. You have basically saved my life. You have saved me from a lifetime of misery."

"Oh I'm glad to hear that."

"So, I was seeing this girl. Well, having sex with her I should say. She got pregnant."

"Uh oh. I think I know where this is going."

"Yeah. So, we were both on the same page with it. Neither of us wanted a kid and we both decided to have an abortion. But then she decided she was going to keep the baby! She was going to have the kid! No way was I going to be stuck having a kid Tom, I tell you. No way."

"Well, she was so obviously not even against abortion! She was just doing it to keep you around. Did you pull a Hail Mary?"

"Yes I did! I told her how much I loved her and that I really wanted to marry her and have children with her, but that this was not the way it should be us. I wanted to buy her a house with a picket fence, a car, the whole nine yards and if she could just wait a few years we could have all of that...I told her I'd pay for the abortion and go with her and all that and it would be the best thing for our future."

"Oh! Did she buy it?"

"Oh yeah. She got the abortion."

"Oh man! Score! Did you buy her the Egg McMuffin?"

"Hell no. I didn't have time to buy her anything. She was history right after."
_____________________________________________________

I turned off my radio and was sitting there saying, "Oh wow, did I really just hear that???" These people are celebrating using immoral and deceptive practices to coerce a woman into having an abortion under false pretenses? That is just criminal. Yeah, wow that is SO hilarious. It makes me ill.

Divorce?

2005-11-30T14:48:00.000-08:00

Things had gotten so much better between my husband and I. We even had sex the other night for the first time in several months, initiated by me. I felt very close to him.

I must admit though, that something that happened afterward was very troublesome. We were cuddling after and joking around and I said, "Hey, I was getting desperate!", in jest. He said, "I knew you were." I said, "Oh yeah? How did you know?" and he said, "I can't tell you because it's an assholish way. You'll be mad."

Well I figured the only possible thing he could be referring to was my blog, since the last thing I had posted was about the couple kissing in front of the Starbuck's and my reaction to it. I said, "Okay, I know what you're talking about, and it's okay. I'm okay with that. There's nothing I do that's a secret. Everything I do is out in the open, I'm just surprised that you took an interest in what it is I'm spending time doing, honestly."

"Of course I take an interest."

"Well, I kind of wish you hadn't said anything, but in an odd sort of way I'm flattered that you cared enough to look. I knew there was a chance you were reading it, since I post out in the open and I know you can see me doing it, I just didn't think you were interested enough to find out what I was doing."

"Yes, I saw you doing it and I wanted to learn more about it."

I grabbed his hand and reached over and kissed his cheek. I felt so loved when he said that. I also felt really close to him because I realized that he knew many of my innermost thoughts and feelings- all of the ones I had shared on here.

"It's amazing to me that people would take the time to read it, you know? People that don't even know me. It blows my mind. Why do they care?"

"Crazy."

"Yeah. Hey, please don't tell anyone else about it. If you do, I'll have to delete it. I need it to be private."

"Okay."

"It might be hard for me to keep posting the same way now that I know you look, but I will. I'll make sure to keep my posts authentic, as if you don't read them."

"Okay."

"Have you read all of them? Which ones have you read?"

"Just a few."

"Well, which ones?"

"I don't remember."

"What? How can you not remember? When did you start looking at it?"

"Yesterday."

"What? Yesterday? How did you even find it? Did you go into my computer?"

"Do you really want to know the truth? I didn't find it. I just went along with what you said to see what you were talking about."

My heart dropped. I had been tricked into revealing my blog. He didn't know anything about it. He never noticed I had been posting in a blog, nor had he ever cared. What was I thinking?

"So you tricked me? You fooled me into telling you all about it?"

"No, you told me all about it on your own. I just listened."

I cried myself to sleep.
______________________________

Yesterday I came home in a tense mood. I was a little short-tempered, as I often am, but it's really short-lived. I might have a bitchy come-back or something, but then I'm fine after that. I just need to unwind.

I sorted the mail and then took my pile over to the counter and left his pile on the kitchen table. He was outside on the patio smoking. He asked if I was looking at his pile and I told him it was on the table and gestured. He must have missed what I said because he brashly told me to put his pile on the table and to quit looking at it. I got snippy and said that I already told him that it was on the table. Then he started going off on me, saying that I'm a piece of shit, a bitch, etc. Yes, my kids were right there in the kitchen with me, my son doing his homework, and my daughter drinking milk. I tried to quell him by saying, "Okay, enough already." but he was saying, "You started it by bitching at me about the mail!" The name calling is in a different category as far as I'm concerned.

Later in the evening I went online to switch cell phone providers. My current phone number was in his name, so I needed to give his information so that I could keep the same phone number when transferring service. He was getting more and more aggravated as the evening wore on about various things, from our daughter's behavior, to the fact that he forgot to record Bones, to other minor things. By the time I had to provide the cell phone account number, his driver's license number, and his credit card number, he was much more on edge than I had realized.

"Do you still have the Cingular account number?"

"Yes! I'll give it to you and then write it down so you don't have to ask me again." He gave it to me and then slammed the top of his laptop down so hard I'm surprised it didn't break. He sat down again.

"Oh. I guess I also need your driver's license number and a credit card number."

"Go to my fucking car then and get my wallet!"

"No, I don't want to go out there. Can you get it?"

"Ugh, you are such a piece of shit. I am so sick and tired of your stupid ass. You are such a fucking bitch. And I don't have a credit card, too bad."

"You don't have to have money on it, they don't charge it."

"Yes they do. They check. Use your own."

"I can't. The name has to match. As long as there's a dollar on it it will work."

"There's not a dollar on it so too bad."

He went outside and slammed the door really hard. My son was upstairs sleeping. Then he came back and slammed it so hard that the wall clock fell off of the wall. My little girl went over to pick it up and said, "Uh oh."

"What the hell? Why are you acting like this?" I asked.

"Here." He gave me his license and a card.

"Oh no, they are going to run your credit. I don't think it will go through."

"Oh fuck off, piece of shit. I don't deserve to be talked to like this. Talk to me like a human being."

"Are you serious? Are you listening to how you're talking to ME? Why, because I said I don't think your credit will go through? Is that offensive?"

"I'm getting the hell out of here and going to bed." He started stomping up the stairs. "You asked me earlier what I want for Christmas? I'll tell you what I want. I want a divorce."

I was sitting on the couch with a straight face but tears were falling out. I looked at my daughter and she was just playing and petting the dog. I realized that I really can't trust this man to be stable. This came from out of nowhere.

About an hour later, after I had put her to bed and I was playing around on the computer, he came to the foot of the stairs and called my name."

"Yes?" I said, with an attitude. I am angry.

"Sorry for before. You didn't deserve that."

"Okay."

_________________________________

I am trying to figure out how it is financially feasible for me to get rid of him. Not that I would make that choice ultimately, but I need to know that it is a real decision I can make so I can put it on the table. It can't be an abstract thought anymore, it needs to be a tangible choice.

We live month to month though and it's really tight. I am still new in my career, have TONS of student loans...we use every cent we make. So I don't know how it would work. I don't know that it could. We own a townhouse with my parents, and I would stay there. Our mortgage is relatively low, but with all of our other bills and my student loans, it adds up.

Another thing for me is that I think my son would be totally traumatized. He's been down this road. I found him this new great dad who adopted him. He changed his last name only LAST YEAR! What the hell kind of a mother am I, seriously? I am there to protect them. How dare I use such poor judgment as to put him in this kind of situation. I make myself sick.

Nothing Wrong With A Good Old AK-47

2005-11-29T13:36:00.000-08:00

Argument Over Beer, Spaghetti Leads To AK-47 Shooting

POSTED: 7:10 am EST November 29, 2005
UPDATED: 1:16 pm EST November 29, 2005

ORLANDO, Fla. -- An Orange County man is in jail, accused of trying to shoot his roommate with an AK-47. Their fight started after an argument over a beer and a plate of spaghetti.
Investigators say David Fung-Cap just wanted a beer.

Mills wanted some of Fung-Cap's spaghetti, and when neither would help the other, things got ugly. Fung-Cap went for his AK-47 and opened fire.

"Four times he shot at me. If it's my time to go, it's my time to go," Mills said.

Mills told Channel 9 he managed to wrestle the assault weapon away from his crazed roommate and left the apartment to get help from sheriff's deputies, who were already arriving. But then Mills accidentally fired another shot. The deputies thought he was aiming at them.

No one can explain how, out of the five high-powered rounds fired in a densely populated apartment complex, not one person was hurt.

"I want my grandparents and parents to know that I love them and I would like a shirt and a cigarette and some shoes please," Fung-Cap said while being taken into custody.

Investigators determined Mills was the victim. Now he'll keep the apartment, the beer and the food and, in the future, he said, he'll choose his roommates more carefully.

"This guy's 25 years old. He's a grown man, just like me," Mills said.

Deputies said there was nothing illegal about the AK-47, except for the fact that it was fired.

Now it's the property of the Orange County Sheriff's Office.

______________________________

I mean, yeah...I guess I can be comfortable with that...somehow...

Just A Brief Post About Something I Observed Today

2005-11-23T23:46:00.000-08:00

Today I was at a red light and I turned and saw a couple sitting at an outside table at a Starbuck's. They had pushed their chairs together and were almost facing each other, and the girl had her head leaned back a little bit and her eyes closed. Her lips were parted slightly and the guy had his arms around her and was kissing her lips. Her body language and facial expression revealed exactly what she was feeling: She was feeling a wave of overwhelming love and warmth, she felt extremely safe, and completely content.

I had to stop and stare for a minute. It really struck me to see that. I haven't felt something like that myself in such a long time. I put myself in her shoes for a minute and allowed myself to feel what she felt. It felt familiar to me and I liked it. I snapped out of it and tried to rationally consider when the next soonest time I could possibly feel this again in real life might be. I drew a blank. I let myself imagine doing it with my friend from work. It was easier to imagine it with him than my husband because we talk more, joke around, and have fun together. I knew, as I went through the scenario, that it wouldn't involve love. But I was still able to take away partial satisfaction from the physical contact and closeness with him on some level. It was the closest thing I could get, even in my imagination.

I then tried to remember what it was like to do things like that with my husband. I started to get a vague picture of it but didn't go through the whole scenario and feel the feelings, because it felt very uncomfortable to me and I wanted to avoid this feeling and make myself feel better, not worse. I realized the best way to do that at that point was to change topics in my mind altogether.

I wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving, my friends. I will be back to follow up on any loose ends I may have left in other posts very soon. Have a great turkey! Thanks for being great online friends to me.

My Parents Let Me Down Big Time

2005-11-23T00:27:00.000-08:00

When I got pregnant soon after I turned 21, and then married the guy that I barely knew but thought I loved, my parents wouldn't let me live at home anymore. They said that as a married woman we would have to get our own place within the following few weeks, though we didn't have any money. I didn't have a job and he worked for minimum wage and already had a 2-year-old son. I know I failed to mention that before. I started job-hunting right away and we started to look for a cheap place to live. He kept saying the thought they should let us try to save some money first, but they said no.

We moved within 2 weeks. About a month later the wrist incident occured, as discussed in this post. Things got a lot worse pretty fast. One day maybe I'll get into it in more detail. I was locked out of our apartment a number of times and had to go to the corner and use the pay phone to call my parents collect to either come and get me or call him to talk him into letting me back in. It was tiring, humiliating, and depressing. He was verbally, physically, and psychologically abusive.

I had gotten a job as a cashier at a deli. There was a bartender that worked there that I didn't even know. I just knew that he was an older, overweight bald guy. I worked the 6AM-2PM shift. He worked graveyard as a security guard so he woke me up when he got home from work. One morning I woke up very thirsty and we were out of water (we can't drink from the faucet here). I said, "Well, maybe I'll ask the bartender if he'll give me a bottle of water from the bar." BIG MISTAKE, but who knew??? Really, I still barely knew this guy I called my husband. He went ballistic. He started hammering me with questions about the bartender. "So, you have a thing with the bartender?" "Is the bartender your new boyfriend?" "What, are you fucking the bartender now?" He wouldn't let up. I thought he was joking at first, because I mean, come on! So I brushed off his comments as I got ready for work. Finally I said, "Yeah, I'm fucking the bartender, sure..." really sarcastically. SECOND BIG MISTAKE. He started calling me all kinds of horrible names. I told him I was only kidding and that I had only said that because he kept asking me those questions, but he wouldn't believe me. I left for work and was relieved to get out of there.

Well, when I got to work the phone started ringing. I was the one who answered phones. IT WAS HIM. He kept calling and asking about the bartender. I was begging him to stop calling because I didn't want to lose my job. We barely scraped by as it was. Then he started saying that he would make me pay when I got off work. I was truly scared. I really was. Honestly, I don't remember how it turned out. I'm sure I had to hear about it for several days, if not months.
___________

One day I was waiting to go to my parents' house to do laundry. We shared a car (it was actually mine). I was sitting on the curb in front of the building with my laundry because he was supposed to be back at a specified time. I waited for hours. When he got back I was mad. Well, I left kind of huffy.

When I got home he was in bed, sprawled out on the whole bed. I got in and tried to move his legs over with my legs so I could fit. When he felt me do that he flipped over, took 2 large chunks of my hair in his fists (which was almost all of my hair) and pulled as if his goal was to rip it out by the roots. This guy was big (6'4", 250). He said I kicked him. I screamed bloody murder, because it KILLED. I started crying hysterically. I went to the floor with a blanket and pillow and started wailing. Within 3 minutes he was sound asleep. He didn't miss a beat. I cried almost the whole night, out of pain, fear, disgust, depression...what the hell was I going to do? I wished more than anything in this entire world that I could rewind time and this could not have happened. I wanted to ignore it, but I had 2 enormous welts on my head.
______________

My real reason for posting all of this was this: I went to my parents about it. I wanted to come home more than anything in the world. When I left my mom told me that if I ever needed to come home I could. I was 5 month pregnant at this point. When I told them, my mom was really concerned and wanted me to look into divorce and wanted me to stay with them. My dad said he would talk to him and make sure he understood he was never to do anything like that again. Yeah. I was so hurt by that. He didn't want me there. I was so desperate that I cleaned and organized their house- I wanted to earn my keep in some way so they would let me stay. They still wouldn't. My mom said she had to go along with what my dad said and since the two of us butted heads too much to get along under one roof, I couldn't live there.

More to come on this on a future date.

The National Journal Publishes Report: 10 Days After 9/11 President Advised No Credible 9/11-Iraq Link

2005-11-22T23:06:00.000-08:00

...And refused to give Senate committee key documents.

This article discusses it.

On another note, Cheney spoke to the American Enterprise Institute yesterday, (because he is unable to address anyone other than the extreme right now and his numbers are lower than Bush's),

Monday, November 21, 2005
Remarks By The Vice President On The War On Terror
American Enterprise InstituteWashington,
D.C.11:01 A.M. EST

THE VICE PRESIDENT: Good morning, and thank you all very much. And thank you, Chris. It's great to be back at AEI. Both Lynne and I have a long history with the American Enterprise Institute, and we value the association, and even more, we value the friendships that have come from our time here. And I want to thank all of you for coming this morning and for your welcome.

My remarks today concern national security, in particular the war on terror and the Iraq front in that war. Several days ago, I commented briefly on some recent statements that have been made by some members of Congress about Iraq. Within hours of my speech, a report went out on the wires under the headline, “Cheney says war critics ‘dishonest,’ ‘reprehensible.’”
One thing I’ve learned in the last five years is that when you’re Vice President, you’re lucky if your speeches get any attention at all. But I do have a quarrel with that headline, and it’s important to make this point at the outset. I do not believe it is wrong to criticize the war on terror or any aspect thereof. Disagreement, argument, and debate are the essence of democracy, and none of us should want it any other way. For my part, I’ve spent a career in public service, run for office eight times -- six statewide offices and twice nationally. I served in the House of Representatives for better than a decade, most of that time as a member of the leadership of the minority party. To me, energetic debate on issues facing our country is more than just a sign of a healthy political system -- it’s also something I enjoy. It’s one of the reasons I’ve stayed in this business. And I believe the feeling is probably the same for most of us in public life.

For those of us who don’t mind debating, there’s plenty to keep us busy these days, and it's not likely to change any time soon. On the question of national security, feelings run especially strong, and there are deeply held differences of opinion on how best to protect the United States and our friends against the dangers of our time. Recently my friend and former colleague Jack Murtha called for a complete withdrawal of American forces now serving in Iraq, with a drawdown to begin at once. I disagree with Jack and believe his proposal would not serve the best interests of this nation. But he's a good man, a Marine, a patriot -- and he's taking a clear stand in an entirely legitimate discussion.Nor is there any problem with debating whether the United States and our allies should have liberated Iraq in the first place. Here, as well, the differing views are very passionately and forcefully stated. But nobody is saying we should not be having this discussion, or that you cannot reexamine a decision made by the President and the Congress some years ago. To the contrary, I believe it is critical that we continue to remind ourselves why this nation took action, and why Iraq is the central front in the war on terror, and why we have a duty to persevere.

What is not legitimate -- and what I will again say is dishonest and reprehensible -- is the suggestion by some U. S. senators that the President of the United States or any member of his administration purposely misled the American people on pre-war intelligence.
Some of the most irresponsible comments have come from politicians who actually voted in favor of authorizing the use of force against Saddam Hussein. These are elected officials who had access to the intelligence materials. They are known to have a high opinion of their own analytical capabilities. (Laughter.) And they were free to reach their own judgments based upon the evidence. They concluded, as the President and I had concluded, and as the previous administration had concluded, that Saddam Hussein was a threat. Available intelligence indicated that the dictator of Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, and this judgment was shared by the intelligence agencies of many other nations, according to the bipartisan Silberman-Robb Commission. All of us understood, as well, that for more than a decade, the U.N. Security Council had demanded that Saddam Hussein make a full accounting of his weapons programs. The burden of proof was entirely on the dictator of Iraq -- not on the U.N. or the United States or anyone else. And he repeatedly refused to comply throughout the course of the decade.

Permit me to burden you with a bit more history: In August of 1998, the U.S. Congress passed a resolution urging President Clinton take "appropriate action" to compel Saddam to come into compliance with his obligations to the Security Council. Not a single senator voted no. Two months later, in October of '98 -- again, without a single dissenting vote in the United States Senate -- the Congress passed the Iraq Liberation Act. It explicitly adopted as American policy supporting efforts to remove Saddam Hussein's regime from power and promoting an Iraqi democracy in its place. And just two months after signing the Iraq Liberation law, President Clinton ordered that Iraq be bombed in an effort to destroy facilities that he believed were connected to Saddam's weapons of mass destruction programs.

By the time Congress voted to authorize force in late 2002, there was broad-based, bipartisan agreement that the time had come to enforce the legitimate demands of the international community. And our thinking was informed by what had happened to our country on the morning of September 11th, 2001. As the prime target of terrorists who have shown an ability to hit America and who wish to do so in spectacular fashion, we have a responsibility to do everything we can to keep terrible weapons out of the hands of these enemies. And we must hold to account regimes that could supply those weapons to terrorists in defiance of the civilized world. As the President has said, “Terrorists and terror states do not reveal … threats with fair notice, in formal declarations -- and responding to such enemies only after they have struck first is not self-defense, it is suicide.”

In a post-9/11 world, the President and Congress of the United States declined to trust the word of a dictator who had a history of weapons of mass destruction programs, who actually used weapons of mass destruction against innocent civilians in his own country, who tried to assassinate a former President of the United States, who was routinely shooting at allied pilots trying to enforce no fly zones, who had excluded weapons inspectors, who had defied the demands of the international community, whose regime had been designated an official state sponsor of terror, and who had committed mass murder. Those are the facts.

Although our coalition has not found WMD stockpiles in Iraq, I repeat that we never had the burden of proof; Saddam Hussein did. We operated on the best available intelligence, gathered over a period of years from within a totalitarian society ruled by fear and secret police. We also had the experience of the first Gulf War -- when the intelligence community had seriously underestimated the extent and progress Saddam had made toward developing nuclear weapons.

Finally, according to the Duelfer report, Saddam Hussein wanted to preserve the capability to reconstitute his weapons of mass destruction when sanctions were lifted. And we now know that the sanctions regime had lost its effectiveness and been totally undermined by Saddam Hussein’s successful effort to corrupt the Oil for Food program.

The flaws in the intelligence are plain enough in hindsight, but any suggestion that prewar information was distorted, hyped, or fabricated by the leader of the nation is utterly false. Senator John McCain put it best: “It is a lie to say that the President lied to the American people.”

American soldiers and Marines serving in Iraq go out every day into some of the most dangerous and unpredictable conditions. Meanwhile, back in the United States, a few politicians are suggesting these brave Americans were sent into battle for a deliberate falsehood. This is revisionism of the most corrupt and shameless variety. It has no place anywhere in American politics, much less in the United States Senate.

One might also argue that untruthful charges against the Commander-in-Chief have an insidious effect on the war effort itself. I’m unwilling to say that, only because I know the character of the United States Armed Forces -- men and women who are fighting the war on terror in Iraq, Afghanistan, and many other fronts. They haven’t wavered in the slightest, and their conduct should make all Americans proud. They are absolutely relentless in their duties, and they are carrying out their missions with all the skill and the honor we expect of them. I think of the ones who put on heavy gear and work 12-hour shifts in the desert heat. Every day they are striking the enemy -- conducting raids, training up Iraqi forces, countering attacks, seizing weapons, and capturing killers. Americans appreciate our fellow citizens who go out on long deployments and endure the hardship of separation from home and family. We care about those who have returned with injuries, and who face the long, hard road of recovery. And our nation grieves for the men and women whose lives have ended in freedom’s cause.

The people who serve in uniform, and their families, can be certain: that their cause is right and just and necessary, and we will stand behind them with pride and without wavering until the day of victory.

The men and women on duty in this war are serving the highest ideals of this nation -- our belief in freedom and justice, equality, and the dignity of the individual. And they are serving the vital security interests of the United States. There is no denying that the work is difficult and there is much yet to do. Yet we can harbor no illusions about the nature of this enemy, or the ambitions it seeks to achieve.

In the war on terror we face a loose network of committed fanatics, found in many countries, operating under different commanders. Yet the branches of this network share the same basic ideology and the same dark vision for the world. The terrorists want to end American and Western influence in the Middle East. Their goal in that region is to gain control of the country, so they have a base from which to launch attacks and to wage war against governments that do not meet their demands. For a time, the terrorists had such a base in Afghanistan, under the backward and violent rule of the Taliban. And the terrorists hope to overturn Iraq’s democratic government and return that country to the rule of tyrants. The terrorists believe that by controlling an entire country, they will be able to target and overthrow other governments in the region, and to establish a radical Islamic empire that encompasses a region from Spain, across North Africa, through the Middle East and South Asia, all the way to Indonesia. They have made clear, as well, their ultimate ambitions: to arm themselves with weapons of mass destruction, to destroy Israel, to intimidate all Western countries, and to cause mass death in the United States.

Some have suggested that by liberating Iraq from Saddam Hussein, we simply stirred up a hornet’s nest. They overlook a fundamental fact: We were not in Iraq on September 11th, 2001 -- and the terrorists hit us anyway. The reality is that terrorists were at war with our country long before the liberation of Iraq, and long before the attacks of 9/11. And for many years, they were the ones on the offensive. They grew bolder in the belief that if they killed Americans, they could change American policy. In Beirut in 1983, terrorists killed 241 of our service men. Thereafter, the United States withdrew from Beirut. In Mogadishu in 1993, terrorists killed 19 American soldiers. Thereafter, the U.S. withdrew its forces from Somalia. Over time, the terrorists concluded that they could strike America without paying a price, because they did, repeatedly: the bombing at the World Trade Center in 1993, the murders at the Saudi National Guard Training Center in Riyadh in 1995, the Khobar Towers in 1996, the simultaneous bombings of American embassies in Kenya and Tanzania in 1998, and, of course, the bombing of the USS Cole in 2000.

Believing they could strike us with impunity and that they could change U.S. policy, they attacked us on 9/11 here in the homeland, killing 3,000 people. Now they are making a stand in Iraq -- testing our resolve, trying to intimidate the United States into abandoning our friends and permitting the overthrow of this new Middle Eastern democracy. Recently we obtained a message from the number-two man in al Qaeda, Mr. Zawahiri, that he sent to his chief deputy in Iraq, the terrorist Zarqawi. The letter makes clear that Iraq is part of a larger plan of imposing Islamic radicalism across the broader Middle East -- making Iraq a terrorist haven and a staging ground for attacks against other nations. Zawahiri also expresses the view that America can be made to run again.

In light of the commitments our country has made, and given the stated intentions of the enemy, those who advocate a sudden withdrawal from Iraq should answer a few simple questions: Would the United States and other free nations be better off, or worse off, with Zarqawi, bin Laden, and Zawahiri in control of Iraq? Would we be safer, or less safe, with Iraq ruled by men intent on the destruction of our country?

It is a dangerous illusion to suppose that another retreat by the civilized world would satisfy the appetite of the terrorists and get them to leave us alone. In fact such a retreat would convince the terrorists that free nations will change our policies, forsake our friends, abandon our interests whenever we are confronted with murder and blackmail. A precipitous withdrawal from Iraq would be a victory for the terrorists, an invitation to further violence against free nations, and a terrible blow to the future security of the United States of America.

So much self-defeating pessimism about Iraq comes at a time of real progress in that country. Coalition forces are making decisive strikes against terrorist strongholds, and more and more they are doing so with Iraqi forces at their side. There are more than 90 Iraqi army battalions fighting the terrorists, along with our forces. On the political side, every benchmark has been met successfully -- starting with the turnover of sovereignty more than a year ago, the national elections last January, the drafting of the constitution and its ratification by voters just last month, and, a few weeks from now, the election of a new government under that new constitution.

The political leaders of Iraq are steady and courageous, and the citizens, police and soldiers of that country have proudly stepped forward as active participants and guardians in a new democracy -- running for office, speaking out, voting and sacrificing for their country. Iraqi citizens are doing all of this despite threats from terrorists who offer no political agenda for Iraq’s future, and wage a campaign of mass slaughter against the Iraqi people themselves -- the vast majority of whom are fellow Arabs and fellow Muslims.

Day after day, Iraqis are proving their determination to live in freedom, to chart their own destiny, and to defend their own country. And they can know that the United States will keep our commitment to them. We will continue the work of reconstruction. Our forces will keep going after the terrorists, and continue training the Iraqi military, so that Iraqis can eventually take the lead in their country’s security and our men and women can come home. We will succeed in this mission, and when it is concluded, we will be a safer nation.

Wartime conditions are, in every case, a test of military skill and national resolve. But this is especially true in the war on terror. Four years ago, President Bush told Congress and the country that the path ahead would be difficult, that we were heading into a long struggle, unlike any we have known. All this has come to pass. We have faced, and are facing today, enemies who hate us, hate our country, and hate the liberties for which we stand. They dwell in the shadows, wear no uniform, have no regard for the laws of warfare, and feel unconstrained by any standard of morality. We’ve never had a fight like this, and the Americans who go into the fight are among the bravest citizens this nation has ever produced. All who have labored in this cause can be proud of their service for the rest of their lives.

The terrorists lack any capacity to inspire the hearts of good men and women. And their only chance for victory is for us to walk away from the fight. They have contempt for our values, they doubt our strength, and they believe that America will lose our nerve and let down our guard. But this nation has made a decision: We will not retreat in the face of brutality, and we will never live at the mercy of tyrants or terrorists.

None of us can know every turn that lies ahead for America in the fight against terror. And because we are Americans, we are going to keep discussing the conduct and the progress of this war and having debates about strategy. Yet the direction of events is plain to see, and this period of struggle and testing should also be seen as a time of promise. The United States of America is a good country, a decent country, and we are making the world a better place by defending the innocent, confronting the violent, and bringing freedom to the oppressed. We understand the continuing dangers to civilization, and we have the resources, the strength, and the moral courage to overcome those dangers and lay the foundations for a better world.
Thank you very much.
_____________________________

I see a huge problem with this speech. Huge. He jumps from defending the fact that hindsight is 20/20 and that the whole world believed what the Administration believed, to the fact that we are doing an important job in Iraq, which is quelling the terrorists who want to kill us over there.

He addresses the fact that there was an obvious problem with the intelligence, although he insists there was no misleading involved. We got over there and realized that what we had gone over there for just didn't exist, but since the burden was on Saddam and not us, it was okay.

It's not okay for us to withdraw without getting the job done because the enemy has a goal to gain control of Iraq so that they have a base from which to wage war against governments that do not meet their demands.

HEY CHENEY, WHAT IS MISSING HERE??? IT IS BECAUSE OF US THAT ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE THERE! So if we have to "stay the course" like you say we do, it is to clean up the immense mess we have created in that territory, right? No, we didn't create terrorism, but we have certainly fueled it and definitely opened the borders right up to make Iraq a huge free-for-all for them! I think you missed an essential link in your speech, buddy... Jumping from one thing to the other with not even a pretence of an explanation just doesn't do it for me.

Not This Again? "In God We Trust" Challenged.

2005-11-21T12:21:00.000-08:00

Michael Newdow is at it again. Speaking as not only a Christian, but a strict separationist, I have to say that I do agree with him as a matter of principle but that his timing and choice of issues couldn't possibly be more off kilter. What is he thinking?

The article below really sums up how I feel about not only the Pledge case, but this case as well. By picking out such divisive issues when there are truly much more pressing church-state problems he could be focusing on, just baffles me. He is doing far more harm than good.

Like I said, though his arguments may be legally sound, that is far from the point sometimes. In this era of an increasingly blurred church-state line encroaching upon us, for Newdow to keep going down this path is really troubling. This is a waste of time, but worse, it could be really damaging to the Democrats since we are usually seen as a "heathen party". Of course he doesn't owe anyone anything, but since he seems to be acting out of a sincere desire to bring what he believes is the law back to society, sometimes you have to look at the big picture...His take on it must be vastly different.

This case is surely not going to go his way, if it gets anywhere at all. After all, he filed this suit only five days after the Supreme Court rejected a challenge to an inscription of "In God We Trust" on a North Carolina county government building...

What does everyone else think about this, from a legal standpoint and from a timing/choice of issues to pursue standpoint?
______________________________________

DAILY EXPRESS

Thank God
by Dana Mulhauser Only at TNR Online Post date 06.15.04

Yesterday the Supreme Court unanimously avoided a decision on whether the phrase "under God" could remain in the Pledge of Allegiance. Rather than rule on the substance of the issue, eight justices--the ninth, Antonin Scalia, had recused himself from the case--found that plaintiff Michael Newdow could not bring suit on behalf of his school-age daughter because he was not her custodial parent. Though the majority's ruling has the practical effect of overturning the Ninth Circuit Court's two-year-old decision removing the words "under God" from the Pledge, it did so without settling the larger legal question of whether the presence of those words in the Pledge is actually constitutional--which is probably the best result liberals could have hoped for. That's because a loss in this case would have been a legal setback for liberals, while a victory--albeit extraordinarily unlikely--would have been a political disaster.

The truth is that liberals never wanted this case to happen in the first place. "Standard separationist people think that there are many more important issues to fight over, and while as a matter of principle they agree with Newdow, they don't want to engage in a big battle," says Mark Tushnet, a First Amendment expert at Georgetown law school. That's why the ACLU and the other usual suspects didn't really champion this case from the start. Instead, Michael Newdow, an eccentric lawyer, pushed the case himself, financing it through three lower-court rulings and all the way to the Supreme Court.

The benefits to liberals of the Court's decision yesterday are obvious. A Newdow victory could have brought heavy backlash against Democrats. In an election year, nothing makes better Republican campaign fodder than accusing the Supreme Court of disdaining God. What's more, such a ruling could have done more harm than good to the drive for strict separation of church and state. Many activists feared a response similar to the mid-1990s backlash from a Hawaii Supreme Court ruling authorizing gay marriage, which led the federal government and more than half of state legislatures to pass laws defining marriage as a heterosexual union. At the same time, liberals did not want to lose the case either. After all, a defeat on constitutional grounds would have meant enshrining the constitutionality of "under God" into law, effectively foreclosing the possibility for a more progressive ruling on the Pledge anytime in the next generation.

In any event, if the Court had decided the case on the merits, Newdow almost certainly would have lost. The Court has regularly upheld examples of "ceremonial deism," including prayers in legislative bodies, "In God We Trust" on the money, and pictures of Santa Claus in town halls. Only three justices even blanch at such practices: Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who used to be general counsel for the ACLU; David Souter, who has a soft spot for keeping state-sponsored religion away from kids; and John Paul Stevens, the closest thing this Court has to a liberal lion. But there was no fourth vote, let alone a fifth, in support of pulling God out of the Pledge. All the remaining justices have shown at least some tolerance for state-sponsored religion. And despite the hullabaloo surrounding Scalia's recusal from the case, he did not make the liberal position much easier. In an eight-person court, five votes are still required for a majority opinion. (A vote of 4-4 would have preserved the Ninth Circuit's ruling against the phrase "under God"; but it would not have created a legal precedent that was binding anywhere else in the country.)

Given the political undesirability of success, the legal undesirability of failure, and the sheer unlikelihood of victory, the best liberals could have hoped for was that the Court would ignore the case altogether, thereby maintaining the status quo--a God-free Pledge in the eleven Western states and territories that make up the Ninth Circuit and a God-fearing Pledge in the rest of the country. But it takes only four justices to accept a case, and the Court's conservative wing was unwilling to let this one slip by.

After the Court agreed to hear the case, liberals had only one more clear shot at preventing disaster: a dismissal of the case on a technicality. And during oral arguments this spring, it became clear that that's what a number of justices were hoping to accomplish. Kennedy and Souter hammered away at the custody issue, trying to establish whether Newdow, as the non-custodial parent, had standing to bring the case. This logic clearly won over the five justices who formed the majority. Explaining in his decision why the Court had declined to make a substantive ruling, Stevens wrote yesterday, "The command to guard jealously and exercise rarely our power to make constitutional pronouncements requires strictest adherence when matters of great national significance are at stake." Rehnquist, Thomas, and O'Connor disagreed. In their concurrence, they argued that--regardless of Newdow's standing in the case--the phrase "under God" should be found constitutional. Without the escape-hatch of Newdow's custody, Breyer and Kennedy might well have joined that opinion. But presented with the option to avoid a substantive decision, they took it, handing liberals the closest thing they could get to a victory.

Yesterday's ruling not only averted the potential for a serious setback in the separation of church and state, it also granted liberals a chance to fight the issue another day. Civil rights victories are a function not just of the right legal argument but the right political and judicial climate. The NAACP famously waited to bring school desegregation cases until it felt it could win in the 1950s. Advocates of gay marriage took the same approach; Mary Bonauto, the victorious lawyer in the recent Massachusetts gay marriage case, turned down a number of such cases in the 1990s. If Newdow had lost on the merits here, then there would be no opportunity to bring a similar case at a more propitious opportunity--at least for a very long time. "In some ways it was a good case at the wrong time," said Daniel Alter, the director of civil rights for the Anti-Defamation League, which filed an amicus brief in support of Newdow. Alter is relieved that the Court left open a window for future challenges. "When the right case does come along," he says, "we're there." If and when that day arrives, advocates of church-state separation will have yesterday's non-victory to thank.

Dana Mulhauser is a Harvard Law School student and writer living in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

The Full Text Of Congressman John Murtha's Statement On Iraq

2005-11-20T14:18:00.000-08:00

Very Worthwhile To Read In Its Entirety...

Statement by The Honorable John P. Murtha
November 17, 2005

War in Iraq

(Washington D.C.)-
The war in Iraq is not going as advertised. It is a flawed policy wrapped in illusion. The American public is way ahead of us. The United States and coalition troops have done all they can in Iraq, but it is time for a change in direction. Our military is suffering. The future of our country is at risk. We can not continue on the present course. It is evident that continued military action in Iraq is not in the best interest of the United States of America, the Iraqi people or the Persian Gulf Region.

General Casey said in a September 2005 Hearing, “the perception of occupation in Iraq is a major driving force behind the insurgency.” General Abizaid said on the same date, “Reducing the size and visibility of the coalition forces in Iraq is a part of our counterinsurgency strategy.”

For 2 ½ years I have been concerned about the U.S. policy and the plan in Iraq. I have addressed my concerns with the Administration and the Pentagon and have spoken out in public about my concerns. The main reason for going to war has been discredited. A few days before the start of the war I was in Kuwait – the military drew a red line around Baghdad and said when U.S. forces cross that line they will be attacked by the Iraqis with Weapons of Mass Destruction – but the US forces said they were prepared. They had well trained forces with the appropriate protective gear.

We spend more money on Intelligence than all the countries in the world together, and more on Intelligence than most countries GDP. But the intelligence concerning Iraq was wrong. It is not a world intelligence failure. It is a U.S. intelligence failure and the way that intelligence was misused.

I have been visiting our wounded troops at Bethesda and Walter Reed hospitals almost every week since the beginning of the War. And what demoralizes them is going to war with not enough troops and equipment to make the transition to peace; the devastation caused by IEDs; being deployed to Iraq when their homes have been ravaged by hurricanes; being on their second or third deployment and leaving their families behind without a network of support.

The threat posed by terrorism is real, but we have other threats that cannot be ignored. We must be prepared to face all threats. The future of our military is at risk. Our military and their families are stretched thin. Many say that the Army is broken. Some of our troops are on their third deployment. Recruitment is down, even as our military has lowered its standards. Defense budgets are being cut. Personnel costs are skyrocketing, particularly in health care. Choices will have to be made. We can not allow promises we have made to our military families in terms of service benefits, in terms of their health care, to be negotiated away. Procurement programs that ensure our military dominance cannot be negotiated away. We must be prepared. The war in Iraq has caused huge shortfalls at our bases in the U.S.

Much of our ground equipment is worn out and in need of either serious overhaul or replacement. George Washington said, “To be prepared for war is one of the most effective means of preserving peace.” We must rebuild our Army. Our deficit is growing out of control. The Director of the Congressional Budget Office recently admitted to being “terrified” about the budget deficit in the coming decades. This is the first prolonged war we have fought with three years of tax cuts, without full mobilization of American industry and without a draft. The burden of this war has not been shared equally; the military and their families are shouldering this burden.

Our military has been fighting a war in Iraq for over two and a half years. Our military has accomplished its mission and done its duty. Our military captured Saddam Hussein, and captured or killed his closest associates. But the war continues to intensify. Deaths and injuries are growing, with over 2,079 confirmed American deaths. Over 15,500 have been seriously injured and it is estimated that over 50,000 will suffer from battle fatigue. There have been reports of at least 30,000 Iraqi civilian deaths.

I just recently visited Anbar Province Iraq in order to assess the conditions on the ground. Last May 2005, as part of the Emergency Supplemental Spending Bill, the House included the Moran Amendment, which was accepted in Conference, and which required the Secretary of Defense to submit quarterly reports to Congress in order to more accurately measure stability and security in Iraq. We have now received two reports. I am disturbed by the findings in key indicator areas. Oil production and energy production are below pre-war levels. Our reconstruction efforts have been crippled by the security situation. Only $9 billion of the $18 billion appropriated for reconstruction has been spent. Unemployment remains at about 60 percent. Clean water is scarce. Only $500 million of the $2.2 billion appropriated for water projects has been spent. And most importantly, insurgent incidents have increased from about 150 per week to over 700 in the last year. Instead of attacks going down over time and with the addition of more troops, attacks have grown dramatically. Since the revelations at Abu Ghraib, American casualties have doubled. An annual State Department report in 2004 indicated a sharp increase in global terrorism.

I said over a year ago, and now the military and the Administration agrees, Iraq can not be won “militarily.” I said two years ago, the key to progress in Iraq is to Iraqitize, Internationalize and Energize. I believe the same today. But I have concluded that the presence of U.S. troops in Iraq is impeding this progress.

Our troops have become the primary target of the insurgency. They are united against U.S. forces and we have become a catalyst for violence. U.S. troops are the common enemy of the Sunnis, Saddamists and foreign jihadists. I believe with a U.S. troop redeployment, the Iraqi security forces will be incentivized to take control. A poll recently conducted shows that over 80% of Iraqis are strongly opposed to the presence of coalition troops, and about 45% of the Iraqi population believe attacks against American troops are justified. I believe we need to turn Iraq over to the Iraqis.

I believe before the Iraqi elections, scheduled for mid December, the Iraqi people and the emerging government must be put on notice that the United States will immediately redeploy. All of Iraq must know that Iraq is free. Free from United States occupation. I believe this will send a signal to the Sunnis to join the political process for the good of a “free” Iraq.

My plan calls:

To immediately redeploy U.S. troops consistent with the safety of U.S. forces.

To create a quick reaction force in the region.

To create an over- the- horizon presence of Marines.

To diplomatically pursue security and stability in Iraq.

This war needs to be personalized. As I said before I have visited with the severely wounded of this war. They are suffering.

Because we in Congress are charged with sending our sons and daughters into battle, it is our responsibility, our OBLIGATION to speak out for them. That’s why I am speaking out.

Our military has done everything that has been asked of them, the U.S. can not accomplish anything further in Iraq militarily. IT IS TIME TO BRING THEM HOME.
_________________________

And now if this isn't just the most interesting thing. How about that, huh? If that isn't a change in tune from this and this, I don't know what is. This could have had something to do with it, don't you think? Just a guess.

Me As A Mother

2005-11-19T19:11:00.000-08:00

I want to be a great mother. I want to make my children's childhoods amazing, storybook-like, and wondrous. I know this is not possible, but I'd like to get as close as possible. It seems like such a distant goal, and that makes me really sad. I am a loving mother, but I'm very far from my picture of what I want to be.

We watched this Christmas video this evening, called The Snowman. It's one of my favorites. I love it so much. They don't speak a word, it's all beautiful music. The children adore it. It is the embodiment of what I want to transmit as a parent, if that makes sense. Innocence, purity, non-commercialism, love, gentleness...it's so beautiful. It brought to light how much I'm lacking, which is a good thing because maybe I can work on it.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me? How can I get on track and try to be the mother I started out as and that I want to be again?

Too Bad For You! We Have Certain Rights In This Country. If They Happen To Interfere With Your Right To Not Take A Bullet In The Skull, Oh Well!

2005-11-19T15:57:00.000-08:00

And now for more examples of the abhorrent results of the ridiculous number of guns we have on the street in our society, with an unlimited supply and amount of access...

People mag's outstanding single father killed
18-year-old had custody of 2-year-old daughter

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania (AP) -- An 18-year-old man who was honored in August by People magazine as an outstanding father was gunned down on his way home from work Thursday.

Terrell Pough, a single parent who worked to support his 2-year-old daughter while finishing school, was shot in the head in front of his home, police said. He later died at a hospital.

Pough, the night manager at a fast-food restaurant, was not robbed and has no record of violence, police said.

However, his family said his new car and its key were missing. The Honda Civic was given to him by someone who had read the People article.

The magazine, which like CNN.com is owned by Time Warner, called Pough "a rare breed of teenaged dads who are trying to raise children."

Pough attended the YouthBuild Charter School in North Philadelphia, where he was learning construction skills by rebuilding abandoned houses. He was set to graduate in June.

Pough stood out in his neighborhood as a single father with custody of his daughter, Diamond. He was quoted in People as saying: "If something ever happens to me, no one can ever tell her that her dad didn't take care of her."
__________________

Just back on November 1st, this was published on Hoopsworld.com...

76ERS HOSTING TERRELL POUGH ON NOV. 1 AS THE SIXERS FAN OF THE GAME

Philadelphia, Pa. - Nov. 1, 2005 - Terrell Pough, who was featured in "People Magazine" on Aug. 29, as an outstanding single father, will be in attendance tonight at the 76ers season opener versus the Milwaukee Bucks at the Wachovia Center. Pough will serve as the 76ers Fan of the Game.

Pough is a responsible young adult who juggles his high school education, part time employment and care for his 2-year-old daughter, all as an 18-year old.

A typical day for him includes: dropping his daughter Diamond off at daycare at 7:45 a.m., arriving at 8 a.m. sharp for his first class at school, and eating lunch with Diamond at daycare at 12:35 p.m. He then leaves school at 3 p.m. to check in on Diamond - who is then picked up by Pough's grandmother - so he can arrive promptly at work by 4 p.m. After he leaves work at 10:45 p.m. and picks up Diamond, he arrives back home at 12:30 a.m. to tuck her into bed and starts his homework.

Pough is also a member of his high school's Males Achieving Responsibility Successfully program. The MARS program, affiliated with Philadelphia Public Schools, instructs 100 young fathers annually. In this program, students are taught among other things, when children get vaccinations and how to warm a bottle.

At each 76ers home game, the Sixers select two lucky fans (parent/child) to represent the thousands of loyal 76ers fans throughout the Delaware Valley. The lucky fans receive a photo of their courtside experience, appear on the arena jumbotron while having their names announced by 76ers PA Announcer Matt Cord, and get the opportunity to line up with the players for the pregame introductions.

_______________

Wow. That is so very heartbreaking. I'd also like to direct you to a sick story I heard about, here. Hearing her on the 911 tape saying to please hurry, that her baby had been shot in the head, that she couldn't move, and that she didn't want to die was dreadful.

I'm still waiting for some viable suggestions here... Like I mentioned before, since my husband is from a very rural small town I have been enlightened to the fact that there are actual legitimate uses for guns for some people in some areas of the country. My husband, however, by living in the big city has been enlightened to the fact that guns really don't belong in some areas of the country (i.e. the big city!) What are your thoughts on this?

After Having Denied Its Use, The US Finally Admits It Used White Phosphorus

2005-11-19T13:06:00.000-08:00

"Phosphorus burns bodies, in
fact it melts the flesh all the way
down to the bone ..."
a former US soldier
told Italian reporter.

US: White phosphorus used but legal

www.chinaview.cn 2005-11-17 09:56:09
Related: US "used" chemical weapon on Falluja civilians: report

BEIJING, Nov. 17 -- US has acknowledged using incendiary white phosphorus munitions in a 2004 offensive in the Iraqi city of Fallujah but defended their use as legal.

Italian state-run broadcaster RAI reported early this month that US military froces in Iraq used incendiary white phosphorus against men, women and children in Fallujah, who were burned to the bone.

Army Lt Col Barry Venable, a Pentagon spokesman, admited Wednesday that phosphorus was indeed "used as an incendiary weapon against enemy combatants."

The Pentagon insisted civilians had not been targeted, however, and that it had avoided unnecessary casualties by evacuating the city before the offensive.

Washington's new position is that phosphorus is "not a chemical weapon" and "not outlawed or illegal".

White phosphorus munitions are primarily used by the US military to make smoke screens and mark targets, but also as an incendiary weapon, the Pentagon says.

In a documentary broadcast early this month, a former American soldier who fought at Fallujah said: "I heard the order to pay attention because they were going to use white phosphorus on Fallujah. In military jargon it's known as Willy Pete."

"Phosphorus burns bodies, in fact it melts the flesh all the way down to the bone ... I saw the burned bodies of women and children. Phosphorus explodes and forms a cloud. Anyone within a radius of 150 metres is done for."

The use of incendiary weapons against civilians has been banned by the Geneva Convention since 1980.
________________________________________________________________

I just thought that unfortunately this would go along nicely with my DU post below.

It also goes with my post about finding out much more detail about what my husband saw over there...I don't know that it had anything to do with white phosphorus, don't misunderstand, but there are similarities between some of the descriptions and scenarios he mentioned and these, unfortunately, although he didn't go into great detail.

That is significant because he was neither in Fallujah nor in Iraq in 2004. He was in Iraq in 2003 and crossed from Kuwait and made his way up along the Tigris to Baghdad and then went back down to a few cities between central and southern Iraq.

2005-11-19T10:02:00.000-08:00

Dreams Of A Manatee...

My dream last night was that it was my mother's birthday and I had asked her if I could take her to dinner that night. She said she was busy, but suggested the following Tuesday, so we agreed on that. I asked around to find a really good place to go that neither of us had been to before and found out about a place on Melrose. On Tuesday I went to her house and told her that was where I'd like to take her and she said, "Oh, I don't want to go there. It's too far away so it will take up too much of my time to go do that. Let's go somewhere closer so we can get it over with faster." My feelings were SO hurt.

I do feel like that a lot with my mother. It's a theme with her. I'm a bother and a waste of time, so when we do things she has to pencil me in in between other important tasks she has to do...no lollygagging or spontaneity because that would waste time. We aren't just pals that can hang out together. Same thing with my sister.

The night before last I also had a weird dream. I was with my husband, but the whole time I was ACHING to be with someone else. The weird thing was that the "someone else" was my husband! Let me explain. In one scene, I was in bed with my husband (the man he now is) and we were cuddling. The whole time I was so sad, and was daydreaming about how I wished I was with this other guy. I was pretending that my husband was him, closing my eyes and imagining him, missing him so much. Now, even in my sleep I started realizing this was odd, so I thought, "wait a minute, let me zero in on who each of these guys are just to make sure they are both him, because this is strange." And sure enough, they were both him! It's just that the one I was longing for was the "old" him and the one I was with was the "new" him.

I woke up so sad because I felt like I had seen the old him again and he was really fresh in my mind. I missed him a lot.

2005-11-18T18:43:00.000-08:00

Fat: It Means Nothing and It Means Everything

On this message board I go on, the topic of jean sizes came up today, and "what size jeans would a woman 5'6" have to wear for you to not consider her a thin person?" I'm not even kidding you, the consensus was that the "double digits" definitely made you a "not thin person", that under a size 8 was probably pretty safe, and that a size 8 was realllllly borderline. It seemed as if everyone was really aiming more along the lines of a 4 and under as the ideal though.

Now, granted once the first couple of people started answering like this, people with vastly different opinions might not have wanted to speak up. This is possible. But the fact that such a large number of young women could reach such a general agreement is disturbing to me.

This brings me to a point I've been wanting to discuss. I hate my wedding pictures and my wedding video. I mean, so much so that I don't have a wedding album and there are no pictures of us around and I have never watched our video beginning to end. The reason is that I had not been able to lose all of my baby weight in time for the wedding, so I was about 20 pounds overweight, which on my 5'4" frame is a ton of weight. A lot of the angles the pictures were taken from captured my double chin ever so beautifully. Barf.

Most people want their wedding day to be among their most beautiful. They dream of being the center of attention and being lavished in compliments. I got the obligatory ones, but I can tell the difference between true compliments and that kind, and it was so disappointing. What a tremendous letdown. That might sound vain, but I'm being honest. I felt like we shouldn't have wasted the money until I was thin. It really took away from it.

Fast forward to the Command Christmas party a year later. My husband's friends saw me again and were ogling me and told him how hot I was. It was as if they had never seen me before. That really solidified the fact that I was a cow on my wedding day. There have been other occasions since then as well where people have flipped over my appearance and said it was the best I have ever looked. Ouch.

2005-11-17T21:50:00.000-08:00

I wanted to post this article because I think it's important.

Back from Iraq - and suddenly out on the streets

Social service agencies say the number of homeless vets is rising, in part because of high housing costs and gaps in pay.

By Alexandra Marks Staff writer of The Christian Science Monitor NEW YORK – (Feb. 8, 2005)

Veterans of the Iraq and Afghanistan conflicts are now showing up in the nation's homeless shelters.

While the numbers are still small, they're steadily rising, and raising alarms in both the homeless and veterans' communities. The concern is that these returning veterans - some of whom can't find jobs after leaving the military, others of whom are still struggling psychologically with the war - may be just the beginning of an influx of new veterans in need. Currently, there are 150,000 troops in Iraq and 16,000 in Afghanistan. More than 130,000 have already served and returned home.

So far, dozens of them, like Herold Noel, a married father of three, have found themselves sleeping on the streets, on friends' couches, or in their cars within weeks of returning home. Two years ago, Black Veterans for Social Justice (BVSJ) in the borough of Brooklyn, saw only a handful of recent returnees. Now the group is aiding more than 100 Iraq veterans, 30 of whom are homeless.

"It's horrible to put your life on the line and then come back home to nothing, that's what I came home to: nothing. I didn't know where to go or where to turn," says Mr. Noel. "I thought I was alone, but I found out there are a whole lot of other soldiers in the same situation. Now I want people to know what's really going on."

After the Vietnam War, tens of thousands of veterans came home to a hostile culture that offered little gratitude and inadequate services, particularly to deal with the stresses of war. As a result, tens of thousands of Vietnam veterans still struggle with homelessness and drug addiction.

Veterans from the Iraq and Afghanistan wars are coming home to a very different America. While the Iraq war remains controversial, there is almost unanimous support for the soldiers overseas. And in the years since Vietnam, more than 250 nonprofit veterans' service organizations have sprouted up, many of them created by people like Peter Cameron, a Vietnam veteran who is determined that what happened to his fellow soldiers will not happen again.
But he and dozens of other veterans' service providers are concerned by the increasing numbers of new veterans ending up on streets and in shelters.

Part of the reason for these new veterans' struggles is that housing costs have skyrocketed at the same time real wages have remained relatively stable, often putting rental prices out of reach. And for many, there is a gap of months, sometimes years, between when military benefits end and veterans benefits begin.

"We are very much committed to helping veterans coming back from this war," says Mr. Cameron, executive director of Vietnam Veterans of California. "But the [Department of Veterans Affairs] already has needs it can't meet and there's a lot of fear out there that programs are going to be cut even further."

Beyond the yellow ribbons

Both the Veterans Administration and private veterans service organizations are already stretched, providing services for veterans of previous conflicts. For instance, while an estimated 500,000 veterans were homeless at some time during 2004, the VA had the resources to tend to only 100,000 of them.

"You can have all of the yellow ribbons on cars that say 'Support Our Troops' that you want, but it's when they take off the uniform and transition back to civilian life that they need support the most," says Linda Boone, executive director of The National Coalition for Homeless Veterans.
After the Vietnam conflict, it was nine to 12 years before veterans began showing up at homeless shelters in large numbers. In part, that's because the trauma they experienced during combat took time to surface, according to one Vietnam veteran who's now a service provider. Doctors refer to the phenomenon as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

A recent study published by the New England Journal of Medicine found that 15 to 17 percent of Iraq vets meet "the screening criteria for major depression, generalized anxiety, or PTSD." Of those, only 23 to 40 percent are seeking help - in part because so many others fear the stigma of having a mental disorder.

Many veterans' service providers say they're surprised to see so many Iraq veterans needing help so soon.

"This kind of inner city, urban guerrilla warfare that these veterans are facing probably accelerates mental-health problems," says Yogin Ricardo Singh, director of the Homeless Veterans Reintegration Program at BVSJ. "And then there's the soldier's mentality: Asking for help is like saying, 'I've failed a mission.' It's very hard for them to do."

Beyond PTSD and high housing costs, many veterans also face an income void, as they search for new jobs or wait for their veterans benefits to kick in.

When Mr. Noel was discharged in December of 2003, he and his family had been living in base housing in Georgia. Since they were no longer eligible to live there, they began the search for a new home. But Noel had trouble landing a job and the family moved to New York, hoping for help from a family member. Eventually, they split up: Noel's wife and infant child moved in with his sister-in-law, and his twins were sent to relatives in Florida. Noel slept in his car, on the streets, and on friend's couches.

Last spring he was diagnosed with PTSD, and though he's currently in treatment, his disability claim is still being processed. Unable to keep a job so far, he's had no steady income, although an anonymous donor provided money for him to take an apartment last week. He expects his family to join him soon.

'Nobody understood ... the way I was'

Nicole Goodwin is another vet diagnosed with PTSD who has yet to receive disability benefits. Unable to stay with her mother, she soon found herself walking the streets of New York, with a backpack full of her belongings and her 1-year-old daughter held close.

"When I first got back I just wanted to jump into a job and forget about Iraq, but the culture shock from the military to the civilian world hit me," she says. "I was depressed for months. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. The worst thing wasn't the war, it was coming back, because nobody understood why I was the way I was."

Ms. Goodwin was determined not to sleep on the streets, and so eventually went into the New York City shelter system where, after being shuffled from shelter to shelter, she was told she was ineligible for help. But media attention changed that, and she was able to obtain a rent voucher. With others' generosity, she also found a job. She's now attending college and working with other veterans who are determined to go to Washington with their stories.

"When soldiers get back, they should still be considered military until they can get on their feet," she says. "It's a month-to-month process, trying to actually function again. It's not easy, it takes time."

2005-11-16T13:51:00.000-08:00

Depleted Uranium and Iraq

I've been concerned ever since hearing about Depleted Uranium having possibly been used in Iraq in this current war, and I wanted to do some research on it because of the effects it can have on soldiers, even 10 years later. Also, it can effect the DNA of unborn children tremendously so I might be afraid to have children in the future. I wanted to look into it some more so I'd know what it was all about before I got all hysterical.

Here are some pictures of children of soldiers who served in the first Gulf War who were exposed to DU. They are from a Life Magazine photo essay.

I also came across this. I need to forewarn you that it is extremely difficult to stomach what you will see if you click the link. It contains pictures of deformed Iraqi babies, presumably from DU exposure either in utero or in the DNA even before conception.

2005-11-15T12:22:00.000-08:00

Personal Stuff

I had a lot of hesitation about writing this entry. Then I realized that part of the whole point of this blog is to be completely candid. That's why it's completely private and separate from the people I know in my "real" life. I don't want to get away from that purpose because it's really therapeutic for me, so I'm going to force myself to post about this.

Since my discussion with my husband about possibly reenlisting that I posted about a week or so ago, we have been getting along, which is very out of the ordinary. We have been giving each other hugs, talking, spending more time together, being more affectionate... not intimate or anything (that would take far more time), but things have improved drastically.

Anyway, this morning I had to be at a meeting earlier than I usually have to be at work, and we have butted heads over the use of the downstairs bathroom in the past. We have a master bathroom upstairs that neither of us use to get ready in the morning for some reason. All of our primping products are downstairs- probably because the kids are in the kitchen eating breakfast, the dog is outside on the patio right there eating- all of the action we need to be in on is going on near that bathroom so it makes sense for us to hover around it. We usually take turns though. Today our schedules collided and I was in a big hurry and was being a little bit more bitchy than I normally am in the morning. I am already not a big morning person.

I told him to hurry up because I only had a few minutes left and I needed to get in there. Then I told him again. I guess I nagged. When he opened the door I had an "attitudy" look on my face and he said, "Don't give me that fucking attitude. I'll fucking drop kick your ass."

Um...

Here's the thing. I don't know if I'm making excuses or what, but I recently found out a lot more than I knew before about what traumatic things he went through in combat and what things he saw. I was really shocked. I knew he saw bad things, but I truly didn't comprehend to what extent. I know I'd never be normal again. Now, I realize that everyone reacts differently to things and not everyone would respond this way, but maybe he's ruined inside and has become a hardened, cold and hateful person. I don't think that's the case- he has some love left inside, but it's very hard to find most of the time. Or was this who he always was and I just didn't know it? This is so hard to understand. And since I tend to be very quick tempered at times I don't want to be overly-judgmental, especially since I've never walked in his shoes.

Needless to say, I don't much feel like giving him a hug anymore. We're probably pretty much back to square one.

The reason I don't like writing about these things is that I don't want people to think poorly of my husband. He is a really outstanding individual. That's why I don't tell anyone in real life. I really need people to continue to respect and honor him. He really deserves that. But somewhere I need to let this out, so since none of you know him I guess it's innocuous enough here...

2005-11-15T01:03:00.000-08:00

11-Year-Old Girl Shot To Death While Chopping Lettuce in Her Apartment

Penman, Morris speak out on crime in SB Mayoral candidates say they can restore peace in neighborhoods

By Leonor Vivanco, Staff Writer

SAN BERNARDINO - In a city where crime has robbed innocence and pride, two men who want to be mayor say they can restore peace to the once-tranquil neighborhoods now riddled with bullets.

The shooting that killed an 11-year-old girl and wounded her 14-year-old sister has highlighted the central issue in the city's mayoral election.

Patrick J. "Pat" Morris and James F. "Jim" Penman, who face off for the mayor's job on Feb. 7, are adamant in their tough-on-crime stances, each promising a plan for the city that will make the streets safer.

Penman called Monday on Mayor Judith Valles to declare an emergency in the city because of its crime.

"When you find a body and its torso, and when two little girls are gunned down when eating dinner at night, you have a city that's out of control," said Penman, the city attorney. Penman referred to the Sunday shooting and to the Oct. 30 discovery of a dismembered body, later identified as a San Bernardino man.

Penman is a hardliner who believes in punishment while Morris strongly advocates for crime prevention.

"I'm sick and tired of this kind of tragedy happening with great regularity in a town that I've lived all my adult life," Morris said.

They both say the shooting is tragic.

Morris said that, as mayor, he would grieve and "hold a hand with the family that suffered the tragedy."

He said he would instruct the police chief to use every resource possible to bring the killer to justice.

"Public safety is No. 1, and I would devote every possible resource to that end," Morris said.
Penman, too, sympathized with the parents of the two girls, having lost his son in 1983, at the age of 3.

"I know how much it hurt me when it happened. There's nothing I can say to them to relieve the anguish they must feel right now," Penman said. "But there is something that city government can do to reduce the chances of this happening to other families."

His answer is to turn the city essentially into a police state and return to some of the strategies used when there was a lower crime rate from 1995 to 2000.

If he was mayor today, Penman said he would have all officers work 12 hours and then be off 12 hours for the next couple weeks so the maximum number of police officers are on duty around the clock. He said that's what happens in an emergency such as the Old Fire. It would shock criminals and drive them back indoors, he said.

He said he then would institute a "zero tolerance, no nonsense" policing mentality and let the police be "as aggressive as the law allows."

That means the police would arrest people out on warrants, close down unlicensed parolee homes, stop gang members on the street and search the homes and vehicles of parolees instead of waiting for them to break the law, he said.

"You have to take back the streets from gangbangers and drug dealers," Penman said.
After they are released from jail, officers should search them again and send them back to jail until they move out of the city, he said.

"We want to catch them with the gun before they use it and not after," Penman said.

Two detectives and two officers on bicycles need to be working out of the six police substations, Penman said. Part of the solution to reducing crime is freeing up officers to patrol the streets by hiring retired officers for up to six months to handle more routine calls like traffic accidents.

"The easy solution is to say we need more cops and we do need more cops. That's a given," said Morris, a San Bernardino County Superior Court judge.

"The question always is what is your plan to arrive at a better community."
Morris said there is no quick fix in solving crime. He points to his comprehensive long-range plan to turn the city around and fight crime.

"To say to somebody in a blase way I can fix it tomorrow, that's just not talking responsibly," Morris said.

He is a big believer in New York City's broken window theory of focusing on petty crimes to prevent more serious ones. He supports the beat plan and the idea of offering treatment services through the courts to homeless and prostitutes after they are arrested to stop them from being repeat offenders.

"You crack down on the bad guys in the community. But you've got to engage more meaningfully in crime prevention," Morris said.

"It begins right with the family and then with the schools," Morris said.
Children need to be taught through school and after-school programs to resolve problems without violence and stay away from gangs and drugs, he said.

Morris' plan also includes building a stronger economic base, creating more jobs, and having owner-occupied homes to make communities safer and pay for the tools to accomplish that.
Penman said money could be shifted or come from positions in the mayor's office to pay for hiring more officers or paying overtime.

"We can find the money. We can't replace children gunned down in their homes," he said.
_____________________________________________________________________

So...a state of emergency. Well, what should be the reaction to this state of emergency? What do you propose? San Francisco has tried to take some action when a state of emergency was declared under similar circumstances, but that doesn't seem to be what people want. Well, what do people want then? When will a child's right to chop some lettuce in her kitchen without being shot outweigh someone else's right to possess a firearm? Will that ever happen? Or am I barking up the wrong tree entirely here? I'll tell you something, if it was my child I wouldn't want to hear a single argument from anyone. It's getting really old. Our culture has really deteriorated. Has anyone seen "Bowling For Columbine" by any chance?

2005-11-14T22:42:00.000-08:00

Court Rules Against Special Ed. Parents

High Court Rules That the Burden of Proof in Cases Challenge Special Education Programs Falls to Parents

The Associated Press

WASHINGTON Nov 14, 2005 — The Supreme Court ruled Monday that parents who demand better special education programs for their children have the burden of proof in the challenges.
The 6-2 decision, written by retiring Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, said that if parents challenge a program, they have the burden in an administrative hearing of showing that the program is insufficient. If schools bring a complaint, the burden rests with them, O'Connor wrote.
The ruling is a loss for a Maryland family that contested the special education program designed for their son with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder.

The case required the court to interpret the Individuals With Disabilities Act, which does not specifically say whether parents or schools have the burden of proof in disputes.
The family's attorney, William Hurd, unsuccessfully argued that when there are disagreements between schools and parents, education officials have better access to relevant facts and witnesses.

Chief Justice John Roberts had recused himself from the case, because attorneys from his old law firm represented the school district.

Justices Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Stephen Breyer wrote separate dissents.
_________________________________________________________

Here's the Supreme Court opinion.

(FYI- I'm not citing to the case- if you want to read where I got the quote or info just click on the link above!)

Basically, Justice O'Connor said that since the IDEA is silent as to which party bears the burden of proof, the default (party seeking relief) should bear it absent circumstances that did not exist here.

Justice O'Connor said that the Petitioners are basically asking the Court to assume that every IEP is invalid until the school district demonstrates that it is not, and that the IDEA does not support such a contention. She cited the "stay-put" provision as evidence of that, since it requires a child to stay in his or her current educational placement for the pendency of the IDEA hearing, and said that "Congress could have required that a child be given the educational placement that a parent required during such a dispute, but it did no such thing."

Justice O'Connor rejected each of Petitioners' arguments, but stated that their most plausible argument was that the ordinary rule that places the burden on the party seeking relief, in the interest of fairness, doesn't place the "burden upon a litigant of establishing facts peculiarly within the knowledge of his adversary." Here the school district has a natural advantage in information and expertise. The Court, however, ultimately rejected this argument as well because the parents have a right to review all of the child's records, to an independent education evaluation, and to several new rights Congress implemented in 2004.

The Court affirmed the United States Court of Appeals for the Fourth Circuit, making the parents bear the burden of persuasion if they challenge an IEP.

Justice Ginsburg Dissented. I think the most persuasive thing Justice Ginsburg said was this: "Under typical civil rights and social welfare legislation, the complaining party must allege and prove discrimination or qualification for statutory benefits." (citations omitted) "The IDEA is atypical in this respect: It casts an affirmative, beneficiary-specific obligation on providers of public education. School districts are charged with responsibility to offer each disabled child an individualized education program (IEP) suitable to the child's special needs. (citations omitted) The proponent of the IEP, it seems to me, is properly called upon to demonstrate its adequacy."

Justice Breyer Dissented. Justice Breyer's view is that since Congress did not address the issue of the burden of persuasion, it should be left to the States to decide. He believes that this would be consistent with the Act's intent of "cooperative federalism". He would remand the case.

In California the burden is on the party bringing the action, almost always the parent. I wasn't even aware that it is different in some districts. I never even considered it an issue until I read Justice Ginsburg's dissent, and it really made sense to me and made me think. Likewise, Justice Breyer had an excellent point and an interesting perspective. I was truly left without a strong opinion here, although I think as I become more involved in Special Education I'll probably grow to form one because I'll see the system at work more.

Does anyone else have any feedback or opinions on this?

2005-11-09T20:56:00.000-08:00

Today's our wedding anniversary...we hugged today for the first time in a LONG time. I saw him looking up some military-related stuff online, so I guess he's giving it some thought. He also repierced his tongue. He said he did it 2 weeks ago and was wondering how long it would take me to notice.

Anyway, aside from the hug it's just a regular night for us. Internet and TV. Perhaps less arguing too, which is good.

2005-11-08T17:52:00.000-08:00

Military Wife Again?

I just had it out with my husband. I basically laid down the law. I hope he heard me.

I decided today that it might be a good idea for him to reenlist. He was so much happier then. He hasn't been the same since about a month before his separation... Although I couldn't wait for that day, maybe the payoff wasn't worth it. Tonight I told him what I thought.

A notice came that said that his Visa Check Card was revoked because of his poor standing with his credit union. His car loan is with them, among other loans, his checking account, and his savings account. This behavior has also been going on since the same month. I went on a tirade about the financial stress I am under and how I feel about his lack of contribution to this family and his lack of consideration for us. I am praying that he heard me.

I wonder if I will soon be a military wife again. I am hoping that if he puts the uniform back on, he will return to the person he was...Perhaps an unrealistic hope. But at the very least he will have someone to answer to besides me, and he will be "important" again. He will feel proud of himself again.

2005-11-05T22:37:00.000-08:00

Continuation of the Conversation... (Red: me, Black: him)

Preferring to talk in abstracts like I do, it is naturally the direction I try to steer the conversation. There is a clarity to abstract ideas that is harder to distort or misinterpret. Ideas are easier to define, interpret, objectify, and assign value.This method of discourse seldom works with liberals, as a liberal will resort to personal attack (like calling me evil and accusing me of betraying them, or something similarly kooky) I said you were evil because all of a sudden I show up on your blog and you had posted all sorts of offensive things about me that arose out of a personal conversation that we had…and the word “evil” was your choice of words, not mine. It was a play off of one of the conclusions you had jumped to about how I was going to peg you…so I decided that you must have been right if you had done all of this! before the underpinnings of liberal ideology can be exposed. I've let liberals walk away before, thinking they won a debate with me. After getting them to toss distorted facts and diversions at me (enmeshed with personal attacks), I feel like I've succeeded in revealing how "full of love" they really are. Sometimes I find an intelligent liberal, and am genuinely disappointed when I discover that they're just like all the others.

But sometimes I get a little scrappy, and will roll up my sleeves and break down concretes. I’m down to scrap any day, but come prepared. The concrete I've selected today is the Downing Street memo.

Liberals were practically wetting themselves with glee when the Memo hit the news. "It's the smoking gun!" they ejaculated. "Now we have PROOF that Bush is evil!" A favorite word of yours, I see…

Let me preface this by saying that the way in which I used the memo was that I took a single excerpt, a quote attributed to Attorney General John Ashcroft that holds legal authority in that it is completely legally sound, and drew attention to its importance. How else did I use the Memo? I didn’t. So this is overkill here, and a detractor, to say the least…I don’t know why you would bother to say all of this, unless you are just making this point in general and it was not meant to be in response to what I had said, in which case I understand. I used the Memo in a perfectly acceptable manner.
But there's nothing in the Memo that could even be called evidence. It's the opinion of an anonymous British analyst who traveled to Washington, spoke with unknown sources, and then returned to Britain to write a memo that he or she thought reflected the Labour party line. It provides no support for what its fans claim to be its central assertion. It really is much ado about nothing, which is exactly why I held it up to support my position.

The Memo is not proof that President Bush had decided on war. It states that war is "now seen as inevitable" by "Washington", which is conjecture. The author of the Memo, (not Bush) had concluded, based on observation that the President was determined to go to war. There is no claim of knowledge that he had actually declared this intention. Likewise, I will assume none of this was directed at my argument, since none of this has anything to do with anything I mentioned.

Most of the analysis presented by the Bush administration had been performed during the Clinton administration, since the CIA lost all of its humint sources in 1998, as the report indicates. Same with this.

Incidentally, this is about the same time that all nations claiming WMDs were in Iraq, a position vociferously echoed by none other than John Kerry, lost their humint. And this.

The timing of the memo is another indicator of its miniscule value. Supposedly the memo claimed that war was imminent. But if you look at the timeline, it took almost eight months after the Memo was written, and two attempts at the UN to issue an ultimatum to Saddam, before we actually initiated military action. It had been Bush's position that military action was justified just by Saddam's firing on jets in the no-fly zone, an obvious and clear violation of the cease-fire that stopped the Coalition from marching on Baghdad in 1991. It was the British who wanted new legal justification for military action, not the U.S. Against the advice of both America and France, it was the British who wanted to go back for a second resolution in 2003 rather than just rely on UN resolution 1441. In short, Washington didn't have much need to "fix" intelligence at all. I didn’t use the Memo for this either, however I would like to address it because you are incorrect here and this is of paramount importance.

Allow me to familiarize you with the international legal rules regarding the use of force. Article 2(4) of the UN Charter prohibits any nation to use force against another, with two exceptions. The exceptions are when force is required in self-defense, and when the Security Council authorizes the use of force. Article 51, which provides for the first exception, also allows for force when an attack is imminent. Strangely, it should have been YOU to have brought this up, not me. You aren’t holding your own in this argument by a long shot. Allow me to continue. Imminent, however, is defined in international law as when the need for action is “instant, overwhelming, and leaving no choice of means, and no moment for deliberation.” Clearly the situation did not fit these criteria. The conclusion must be, then, that we were out of bounds and out of compliance with international law. So as it stood, UN Resolution 1441, was NOT enough. Sorry.

About the language of the Memo; the author was British. Their English is somewhat different than ours. They say Bonnet like we say hood; lieu like bathroom, fag like cigarette, scheme like plan, and fix like organize. The word 'fixed' in British English has a different meaning/connotation that the meaning usually assigned in American English. 'Fixed' as in put together or organized together rather than altered or twisted. When I say, "I made up the bed" it does not mean I fantasized its existence. Similarly, fixing the intelligence in Queen's English means putting it together as a manager would apply the resources of a project before beginning its implementation.

Beyond that, the memo itself says nothing at all. It mentions no names and provides no quotes. It reads like the opinion of the author. The analysis matches the Labour position at the time, which wanted to stick with sanctions on Iraq that supposedly kept Saddam in his box, which we know now (through Oil-For-Food evidence seized after the invasion) absolutely did not work.

None of the aforementioned has any bearing on what I discussed in my arguments…like I said, I only used one small excerpt. You are placing a whole lot of weight on discounting something I barely used. Why?Honestly, there are other places you could go with your stance. There really are. I always make it a point to know the other side's case better than they know their own, and clearly this is a situation where I've accomplished that. Scary. And that's not meant to be a personal attack but constructive criticism...oh, and also just trying to help your "scrap".

When I was contemplating how to answer the question of WMDs, I turned on the TV and enjoyed today's monologue by John Gibson of Fox News. If Mother had blessed me with brevity, I would sound like this guy. Sadly, he said it first, so all I can do is link to it. This is absurd, because I have repeatedly said that I am glad Saddam is gone and that his torture can stop. Repeatedly. So…I’m not following how this is some brilliant ace in the hole. My deal is that if we had wanted to help so much we would have gone about this properly or in another way entirely. Do you even READ what I write? You don’t seem to address what I say.

There's your answer. How do you like them apples?

2005-11-05T10:59:00.000-08:00

More Me

I've been living in a dream world and allowing the cobwebs to collect and create a multitude of shadows around me, and it's gotten to the point where the confusion and chaos has snowballed enough that I can't clearly differentiate between truth and deception, reality and my wishes. So...I need to figure out a way to clear all of it away and get real with myself so I can take a fair look at what's going on here. I don't know how I'm going to do that yet, so I have to attempt to formulate a plan. At least I've recognized that this is going on and to what extent it's going on.

I had been going to this awesome therapist for a while who helped me realize some things about myself. I was raised not to trust my own perceptions of things, so I've become filled with self-doubt over the years and that's why I second, third, fourth, and fifth-guess myself. That's most likely why I went into law, because it's a field where I can produce strong evidence and be secure with what I am writing or saying, because I'm not relying on my own perceptions or experience as proof. That is very gratifying to me.

When I was younger and out of the ordinary things went on in my home, they were never addressed. I would know that they were abnormal and I would journal about them and think extensively about them, but everything would always be swept under the rug right after the incident and we would go on like a typical all-American family. Was there something wrong with me? I think I knew better, but when you're young you look to those around you, particularly your parents, to let you know what is normal and what isn't. That's how I began to doubt my own reality, my own perception, and my own sense of boundaries.

Fast-forward to my first "marriage", and when things started to go bad and I wanted more than anything in the world for it to be my imagination, it was a lot easier for me to "sweep it under the rug" and start fresh the next day as if nothing had happened. I had been practicing for years.

I shall continue on this topic at a later date, no doubt, because there's a lot more there...

2005-11-03T18:52:00.000-08:00

A Friendly, Productive, and Thought-Provoking Banter

Manateechik to Mr. Baatard:
Did Bush and the gang tell you something they didn't tell me? Because I remember listening them tell me that our country was in imminent danger and that our troops needed to go over there because of that...I don't recall helping out the Iraqi people by bombing their country being one of the things that was mentioned. And believe me, I was listening. Funny though, how when all of those reasons fell by the wayside, that reason emerged as the new one. We're so honorable, aren't we? That's not to say that there weren't horrible things going on there, but:
a.) There are horrible things going on in a lot of places. We don't invade those places. We're not there to help them. That was not the reason we went there- you don't go to war to help people. We are trying to help ourselves.
b.) We were lied to. Please don't say "how?" You know how.
c.) To look at the good things that are happening there from time to time and say, "look! We were right, see!" is the most backward attempt at logic I've ever seen.
That's like arresting the wrong person for murder, imprisoning him, finding out along the way that he wasn't the murderer but, however, happen to be addicted to drugs and needed drug treatment, making him do his sentence for murder but providing the drug treatment simultaneously and saying, "See! He's getting off drugs! He's clean now! We ARE helping him! HA!" Um...yeah, you're helping him I suppose. You could have taken him into a drug rehab program...don't act like arresting and sentencing him for murder and incidentally treating him for drug addiction proves you were right about him having murdered someone, jackass.
(I hope you follow that example. Random, but makes a point.)

Those are inexcusable reasons to invade a sovereign nation and take our country to war.
Mr. Baatard to Manateechik
There's a few things you either really don't know or are just discounting because you just don't like the Bush administration. I may be getting myself into trouble debating with a lawyer, so let me see if I can keep up with you.The intelligence about WMD was faulty, but it was universally faulty. Everyone, even the French, said that Saddam was stockpiling WMDs. The intelligence agencies of every European nation agreed on this. Bush told us about WMD because the CIA told him about WMD, and all of Europe confirmed it. Hell, even Putin agreed about the threat. The intel was strong and widely agreed upon. Why we haven't found WMD is anyone's guess.As far as Downing Street goes, I challenge you to re-read it. Bush and Blair begged and pleaded with the UN for months for them to take the lead in addressing the threat. Their best effort consisted of Hans Blix shrugging his shoulders in front of a CNN camera, saying "they won't let us in." Bush may have had personal reasons for going into Iraq, but he made a sincere effort to go through legitimate channels to address what he and everyone else believed was a serious threat posed by Saddam.Now let me answer your points.

A.) You're right. I absolutely agree with you on all of those points. Sudan is much more in need of regime change than Iraq was. We went into Iraq because the Ba'ath party had known ties to terrorists groups with known ties to Al Qaeda. Bush did a quick 1+1=2, and decided to cowboy up in Iraq. You're right, we went there chasing our enemy (terrorist groups). What I don't think you've accepted is that once we got there, we saw what a breeding ground Ba'athist Iraq was for terrorists. There are some significant differences btween Ba'athist Iraq and Taliban-controlled Afghanistan, but they both created an environment which made terror recruiters salivate. Our leadership decided that the only way to combat that was regime change. We did it in Afghanistan, we did it in Iraq, and chances are we'll do it in the next spot we hit.

B.) You're not getting off the hook by chanting one of the favorite mantras of the Left. I challenge you to show me exactly where Bush's deception lay. He made a distinctly American decision (kick their asses) on faulty intelligence. Where did he lie?

C.) Did you just call me a jackass? I'm joking! I get your point. Even I will concede that Iraq wasn't the best choice for our next step in the war on terror. But even so, why is the left so quick to discount the good we've done there? The torture, the executions, the oppression of women, the extermination of the Kurds, the mass graves are all a thing of the past because of us! How can anyone mitigate down the value of that? Calling Ba'athist Iraq a sovereign nation lends legitimacy to their crimes against humanity. It implies that as a nation, they are just as good as we are. Now, America has a checkered past; I've studied out history. But that was our past, Iraq was like that in modern times. To call Iraq a sovereign nation, and imply that they are equal to us, dismisses the horrible crimes committed against it's people. Do you nto believe the news when they say that another mass grave was found? Are the Kurds lying about being gassed? Are Iraqi accounts of torture and executio simply embellished by us to lend legitimacy to our presence there?

Wow, this is great! I seriously have a huge grin on my face. I love to debate with smart people!

Manateechik to Mr. Baatard

"The intelligence about WMD was faulty, but it was universally faulty. Everyone, even the French, said that Saddam was stockpiling WMDs. The intelligence agencies of every European nation agreed on this. Bush told us about WMD because the CIA told him about WMD, and all of Europe confirmed it. Hell, even Putin agreed about the threat. The intel was strong and widely agreed upon. Why we haven't found WMD is anyone's guess."

I beg to differ. We did have intelligence telling us that they didn't have WMD anymore. In fact, that intel told us they hadn't had it since 1991. Please see http://www.cia.gov/cia/reports/iraq_wmd_2004/, which supports the claims former weapons inspector Scott Ritter had been making all along. Also, the Defense Intelligence Agency stated in a 2002 report that there was ''no definitive, reliable information'' that Iraq was producing or stockpiling chemical or biological weapons. These ideas just didn't fit the scheme so were discarded. This article is awesome and should be read: http://www.ilsr.org/columns/2004/020304.html

I would also like to point out that even if I was to accept your premise, your argument would still ultimately not hold up because they exaggerated the intel that was there in order to make the case they wanted to make for war. There is evidence that the Al Queda/Iraq possible link was exaggerated.

"As far as Downing Street goes, I challenge you to re-read it. Bush and Blair begged and pleaded with the UN for months for them to take the lead in addressing the threat. Their best effort consisted of Hans Blix shrugging his shoulders in front of a CNN camera, saying "they won't let us in." Bush may have had personal reasons for going into Iraq, but he made a sincere effort to go through legitimate channels to address what he and everyone else believed was a serious threat posed by Saddam."

What a gold mine, thank you. It was extremely important to the US, for legal reasons, to have the UN do these things. "The Attorney-General said that the desire for regime change was not a legal base for military action. There were three possible legal bases: self-defence, humanitarian intervention, or UNSC authorisation. The first and second could not be the base in this case. Relying on UNSCR 1205 of three years ago would be difficult." (From The Downing Street Memo).This sentence is so very important. Do you understand what this means? Do you understand WHY they wanted the UN to take the reigns, given what it says? Do you understand that given the fact that that did not happen, what we did was not right?

You said: "Bush may have had personal reasons for going into Iraq, but he made a sincere effort to go through legitimate channels to address what he and everyone else believed was a serious threat posed by Saddam."

Here you have not only acknowledged that there were alterior motives for this invasion aside from what you consider that serious threats, but you have also acknowledged that Bush did not go through legitimate channels in this invasion, since the UN did not cooperate (though apparantly you feel that is justified.) Nevertheless, I applaud you for acknowledging these disgraces. We are halfway there already.

"A.) You're right. I absolutely agree with you on all of those points. Sudan is much more in need of regime change than Iraq was. We went into Iraq because the Ba'ath party had known ties to terrorists groups with known ties to Al Qaeda. I believe I addressed this already but maybe I should be more thorough. See below.Bush did a quick 1+1=2, and decided to cowboy up in Iraq. You're right, we went there chasing our enemy (terrorist groups). What I don't think you've accepted is that once we got there, we saw what a breeding ground Ba'athist Iraq was for terrorists. There are some significant differences btween Ba'athist Iraq and Taliban-controlled Afghanistan, but they both created an environment which made terror recruiters salivate. Our leadership decided that the only way to combat that was regime change. Please see my reference to international law and Downing Street, highlighted in red above. We did it in Afghanistan, we did it in Iraq, and chances are we'll do it in the next spot we hit. "

I'm being a little lazy here, so I will give you these links. Exaggerations: http://levin.senate.gov/newsroom/supporting/2005/CIAreport.062102.pdf
http://levin.senate.gov/newsroom/supporting/2005/NIE.100202.pdf
http://levin.senate.gov/newsroom/supporting/2005/CIAreport.012903.pdf

"B.) You're not getting off the hook by chanting one of the favorite mantras of the Left. I challenge you to show me exactly where Bush's deception lay. He made a distinctly American decision (kick their asses) on faulty intelligence. Where did he lie?"

Even if I was to accept your assertion that it was faulty intel and that he really didn't know, how can it be reasonably explained that he CONTINUES to back himself up on it? He continuously tries to mislead the American public, over and over and over again. He is never sincere and forthright. Never can he say, "You know, I made a mistake." NEVER. Instead, " If we failed to act in Iraq, the dictator's weapons of mass destruction programs would continue to this day." (2004 State of the Union) Um...really? Read that report the CIA has, buddy? Yes, but he knows the rest of the stupid country hasn't and they believe the president.
"And when David Kay goes in and says we haven't found stockpiles yet, and there's theories as to where the weapons went. They could have been destroyed during the war. . . They could be hidden. They could have been transported to another country, and we'll find out. No. Kay reported that they have not existed since 1991. He knows this but knows the majority doesn't.
It goes ON AND ON AND ON. Fully unacceptable.

"C.) Did you just call me a jackass? I'm joking! I get your point. Even I will concede that Iraq wasn't the best choice for our next step in the war on terror. But even so, why is the left so quick to discount the good we've done there? If I ran over your dog and then I took it to the vet and paid for it to be treated, I'd be happy it was better, yes. Good for me. Likewise, as you have read all of the information I have thus far presented, none of it means that I wish ill will on Iraqi people. In fact, the odd thing is...we've killed and maimed PLENTY of people there. You want to argue it's for the better of the whole, fine. I am happy that Saddam is gone, sure. I don't like what was done by us there, how we did it, WHY we did it. Pretending it was for the Iraqi people is the biggest joke ever though. Oh please. The torture, the executions, the oppression of women, the extermination of the Kurds, the mass graves are all a thing of the past because of us! So are a great many people's children, mother's father's, homes...we did the wrong thing, the wrong way, for the wrong reasons. That is NOT how you help people. Do you think I don't want people to live a good life? That is not what I'm saying. How can anyone mitigate down the value of that? Mm hmm, that sure was what I was saying. Calling Ba'athist Iraq a sovereign nation lends legitimacy to their crimes against humanity. It implies that as a nation, they are just as good as we are. The word "sovereign" is a technical, legal term. "Self-governing; independent: a sovereign state." Using that word is not a value judgment, but a simple fact. That's what it is. What are you implying, that the nations that aren't democracies aren't sovereign- we have license to go on in? Look- they are self-governing nations. Now, America has a checkered past; I've studied out history. But that was our past, Iraq was like that in modern times. To call Iraq a sovereign nation, and imply that they are equal to us, dismisses the horrible crimes committed against it's people. Do you nto believe the news when they say that another mass grave was found? Are the Kurds lying about being gassed? Are Iraqi accounts of torture and executio simply embellished by us to lend legitimacy to our presence there? Wow. Talk about missing a point. How in any way, shape, or form does this matter to what we're discussing? If I break into your house and happen to find stolen goods there and turn them in- am I a good person? Just because you're a bad person too doesn't make what I did right. We were WRONG. If we wanted to "help" we should have done it differently. Not only is it morally reprehensible to do it this way, but recall, even good old Ashcroft knew it was NOT A LEGIT reason to go in.

Mr. Baatard to Manateechik:

I'm stunned! Counselor (I wish you could hear the reverence and appreciation in my voice) when I call you that), that is the single best, most articlate and well informed anti-war argument I have ever heard. It was a joy to read just on account of it's thoroughness and the passion with which you presented it. You are formidable, and I think my respect for you just doubled!

________________________________________________

No substantive response to my arguments as of yet, however. If I do get one, I will rebut and post both here. Thanks for reading.

2005-11-03T15:54:00.000-08:00

Our friend HM2 Espiritu was killed in Iraq Tuesday, along with one of his Marines.

No. 1143-05
IMMEDIATE RELEASE
November 3, 2005
DoD Identifies Navy Casualty
The Department of Defense announced today the death of a sailor who was supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Petty Officer 2nd Class Allan M. Cundanga Espiritu, 28, of Oxnard, Calif., died Nov. 1 from an improvised explosive device while conducting combat operations in the vicinity of Ar Ramadi, Iraq. Espiritu was assigned to 2nd Force Service Support Group (Forward), II Marine Expeditionary Force (Forward).

For further information related to this release, contact Navy Public Affairs at (703) 697-5342.

No. 1141-05
IMMEDIATE RELEASE
November 3, 2005
DoD Identifies Marine Casualty
The Department of Defense announced today the death of a Marine who was supporting Operation Iraqi Freedom.

Sgt. Daniel A. Tsue, 27, of Honolulu, Hawaii, died Nov. 1 from an improvised explosive device while conducting combat operations in the vicinity of Ar Ramadi, Iraq. He was assigned to 7th Engineer Support Battalion, 1st Marine Logistics Group, I Marine Expeditionary Force, Camp Pendleton, Calif. During Operation Iraqi Freedom, his unit was attached to 2nd Force Service Support Group, II MEF (Forward).

Media with questions about this Marine can call the Camp Pendleton Public Affairs Office at (760) 725-5044.

You can keep track of U.S. Casualties as announced by the D.O.D. here.