My Cerebral Cortex

I have decided to try something a little odd. On January 31, 2003, my husband went to Kuwait and was then in a war. I am going to be posting what my life was in 2003, along with the corresponding dates this year. I have the whole thing in a manuscript so it is little more than a copy and paste at this point. I just want to see how it goes for a little while...

Name:
Location: California

I am a 31-year-old attorney from Los Angeles. I am the mother of 2 children, ages 9 and 3. My 9-year-old has ADHD and mild Asperger's. My husband is an Iraq War vet and is suffering from PTSD. We got married 2 and a half years ago and, after trying very hard to make it work, have recently separated. I am a Christian and a Democrat. Yes, these two can go hand in hand, and in fact I believe they should. That's just my opinion though. To be discussed later. My goal is to open my own practice in 2 years, specializing in Special Education and Civil Rights. I guess I should also mention that I suffer from Bipolar Disorder. I am also the mother of a lovely Great Dane.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Sorry To Leave You Hanging...

I couldn't continue this. It was too hard. With the way our relationship was going. Now we're going to be getting divorced.

I went on to wait for him. I had our lovely baby. He got extended. Extended again. He finally came home. His homecoming was the greatest day of my life.

The day I found out he was on Kuwaiti soil and out of harm's way (and really on his way back) I dropped to my knees and praised God with tears running down my face and my hands to the sky.

Now we're done. You can access my new blog by clicking the link to the left.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Day 49- The War Has Begun.


Letter #30
Day 49
Wednesday, 19Mar03, 1:10PM PST, Evidence Class


Hi Cutie Pie. Damn it’s hard to sit still. I want to know what’s going on. Where are you and what are you doing? This is tough. Today I sent out an email asking people again to pray for you. I am going to print out peoples’ replies to that so you can read them. It’s cool. Today I don’t know what to say. It’s that kind of day. I pray for you every day.

Fuck. It’s like 1:15- 3 hours and 45 minutes left until the deadline. Ok, it’s ok- this means you’ll be home soon. SOON! That is so cool!

Let me tell you how the news is. You hear one report and you’re really happy and hopeful. You hear the next, and you’re scared to death. And so my 49 days have gone. Especially the past two or three.

I wish I could talk to you. I know I can’t until your job is done. I am so proud of you.

Here everyone is pulling for you guys. Even people against the war are behind the troops. You have so much support. I love you so much. ____ loves you and so does our baby. You have a daughter. Woo hoo! That’s what you’ve wanted! I wonder if she’ll be like me…a big pain in your ass…haha. Damn…haha.


Tonight someone gets voted off “American Idol”. I’d tell you more about it but you don’t know the contestant except that Marine and he did a good job- he’s not going to get kicked off this week.

I went to the doctor yesterday. Heard ____’s little heartbeat. He said she’s transverse but it doesn’t matter cause I’m having a c-section. Also, she moves a lot so they know she’s fine. I want you to see and feel my stomach moving. You will. Woo hoo!!!

Let me tell you how crazy I am- I was tempted to start emailing people who piss me off a quick “fuck you.” Haha! I had to hold myself back. Instead I wrote the prayer request to everyone. Better route, huh? Oh and I have a yellow ribbon in my bio/profile on The Knot now. Yay! I love you! I love you!

I hope I get mail from you today. I got three on Monday! Yay! I love it. I told your mom I’ve gotten 16 letters from you and she said, “Wow, he must really love you a lot.” Yeah! Ya do! We are going to have the greatest and strongest marriage ever!

I’m so glad you’re staying close to God. I ask Him every night to stay close to you, comfort you, and bring you home safely.


It’s going to be crazy when Bush speaks again. I wonder when that will be. It could be tonight. See this letter sucks. I’m too somber to even be normal.

Today I’m wearing an old maternity shirt I wore with ____. It stinks, I didn’t realize it smells like baby formula. Ugh!

That lady Karen invited us to dinner at her house again next weekend. I’ll probably go because we had a good time last time.

I adore you my ____y Boy. There is a song from church that says that God knows our name, sees each tear that falls and hears us when we call.

I am so wound up. Anticipation, fear, waiting- all the things I’m sure you’re going through. I tried to look up your unit to see if you’re headed toward the border. They didn’t say. On the Internet I’ve found sites that have mentioned units by name, like 101st Airborne and 82nd, but I didn’t see you. Actually, Oliver North is with the Marines that parachute in. I know that’s not you guys though. Maybe you’re not headed in yet??? I hope.

I’m looking at my beautiful ring. I love that you have yours too. That is so cool. We were playing with the ____ action figure last night. Lol. He’s a Corpsman. He sits on the sidelines while the other action figures fight. ___ says that ___ can’t help the bad guys, just the good. It’s awesome! He’s HM3 Action Figure!

Damn Corporations class is next. Yuck. Soon it will be April. Wow! Time does keep on going, doesn’t it? Strange.

I wonder if…there’s any way…you could be home by Easter?!?! April 20??? Hmmm…That would be day 79…32 days from now…MAYBE! MAYBE! MAYBE! Last year was great. We went to San Diego over Easter weekend, remember? We stayed at the Doubletree and discovered Trophy’s. Yum! Then church on Easter. It was awesome!

Oh I just love you so much. So many great things. I miss you. Life sucks without you here. Totally.

Donna wants to babysit on my b-day so we can do something! Know you’ll be back by then since it’s not until July. That would be cool! What do you want to do? It’s on a Monday so maybe that weekend before we can. The baby will be too young to leave her with anyone though. Maybe we could stay home and do something romantic…what is your opinion? I’ll still be in BAD shape. My staples might even still be in. EWW. The baby will only be a week old. Aww. How cute! Maybe we can order food and cake and get a movie. You know what? I don’t give a rat WHAT we do, as long as we’re together. That is all that’s important anymore. Being together. It is sooo special. Wow, it is SOOOOOOO special! I ADORE you! My husband. My dear, sweet, beautiful, husband. My perfect husband.

Yay! I’m so glad we talked on the 1st. that was such an awesome thing. We got to talk for an hour- so great. We talked as if we were always talking. You know what I mean? It was great.

At 5 PM, the 48 hours are up. Man. I talk too much. Haha. No big baby kicks today, just movement. ____ drew a really cute picture of Bozo. I like your thought of him protecting us. That’s so cool. I really like that. Poor doggie.


I can’t wait to see you again. Wow…that will be SO great. SO perfect. SO joyous. I can’t wait! I’m going to go insane. INSANE!!!

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
____ ____
P.S.
The Shell on the corner is now at $2.24, can you believe it?


At 5PM Pacific Standard time, the 48 hours Bush had given Saddam Hussein had expired. At about 6:30 PM, about 40 Tomahawk cruise missiles and F-117 stealth fighters begin dropping bombs against a "target of opportunity" near Baghdad, believed to include high-ranking Iraqi leaders.

The war had begun.

I’m sitting in my usual seat, on the big couch in my living room, with CNN blaring, and am online. It’s the same thing I do every night. Tonight is wrought with extra fear and anticipation pending Bush’s deadline, and now I’m keeping an extra-keen eye on the television. It cuts to Baghdad- to a very dark, greenish, grainy picture of war. Bombs going off. Life stops. War.

“Oh my God! It started!” I cry, a high-pitched and hysterical cry. I pick up the phone and call my parents.

“It started! It started!” By now I’m crying hysterically.

“What? No it didn’t. Not yet. Where did you see this?” Asks my father. “We’re
watching MSNBC. Nothing has happened”, he says.”

“Turn on CNN!”

“Oh, okay. I see. Well, we knew it was going to start. So let’s hope and pray it’s quick and easy for them. That’s all we can do. Okay?” He sounds somber, steady, and calm. He is trying to keep me level.

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Bye.”

_____ ambles and looks at the TV. “Don’t worry mom. ____’s team will win.” How precious. I break into more tears and utter something back to him. I tell him we should light a candle outside on the balcony so we do so. It such a surreal and powerless moment that just seems like the thing to do- maybe the only thing we can do right then to show some form of expression.

My mom calls right back and tries to console me.

“Let’s just keep praying for ____y.”, her voice is filled with tears, “and all of our boys and girls who are over there. God bless them all.”

“Yeah.” I am not showing my feelings to her. I don’t feel like gushing to her at the moment and I want to get off the phone.

“Okay honey. Call back if you need anything.”

“Bye.”

I try to chat online with my online friends for a bit and we console each other as much as is possible. It is absolutely chilling.


Day 48


Day 48- No Letter

Day 47


Letter #29
Day 47
Monday, 17Mar03, 11:30AM PST, tax class


Hi Sweetie. How are you? Bush is making a speech tonight at 5PM my time. Nerve wracking. I just don’t even know what to say anymore.

My friend Tawny at school saw me today and asked if I had a minute. She took me to her locker and gave me a basket! I can’t believe it! That is SO sweet and nice. In it there was a Butterfinger, Famous Amos cookies, water in a blue bottle, Ghirardelli chocolate squares, an Eeyore, lotion, a candle, gum, and a card. It’s basically a friendship care package! The card said she is my friend and if I need anything, etc. Wow! I don’t even know her that well. Out of all my “good friends” no one has done anything even remotely similar. My other friends are lame! Wow, that was really, really nice of her! I’ll have to write her a thank you note.

After the doctor I’ll go home, watch the news and sleep. I didn’t watch “Anna Nicole” last night. I went to bed. But I woke up super early, all anxious for you to come home, hoping that all of this will be over in a flash. I was getting so excited you wouldn’t believe!


I’m bored in class already. Soon you’ll be home. I know it. I’m going to have to get my ass in gear. Haha!

I like going on my message board. We “flame” people on The Knot who are selfish like “oh, a war is coming- will the price of flowers for my wedding go up?” We ream them. Poor unsuspecting girls. “Our husbands are over there, etc.” That’s not all we do though, that’s just a side task. I put up a post this morning, bitching that Tara wrote me an email this morning and all it said was “Anything new?” Yeah, you dumb bitch. My husband is about to go to war, any hour now. Watch the news much??? If I wrote about that on “The Knot”, Tara would get some sympathy. “Oh, she doesn’t know what to say…” On my board *I* get sympathy against damn fools like her! Ha! I SO wanted to reply in a snappy way. But I think I’ll just ignore it altogether. She’s dumb and oblivious. People just don’t get it. Really. It’s a good thing I have the internet, see?

____’s moving around now. I hope I get mail from you today. I love it. It’s so great.

_____, I’m considering it the big countdown to your return! Woo hoo! I can’t wait! Yay! I really believe you’ll be back by ___’s b-day! Yay! Wow, if you get home before the baby is born, ____ will still have school so we can take him to school and have days to ourselves. His last day isn’t until June 30! So hurry back! I haven’t seen you in 47 days. I haven’t talked to you in 17 days. Wow.

I’m wondering if they will send you in. I’m remembering how Ted said he didn’t go in. How will I know? I’m just going to assume you are. This is all so crazy. I never would have thought this would be happening- Never. I can’t wait until we can talk in person. I’m sure you have a lot to say. I don’t. because I write it all! You know everything. I’m just going to stick to you- stare and cling.


I just ate lunch. I went to watch TV. April and Ted were in the lounge. They were nice. I didn’t see anything new. Still just waiting for tonight’s speech. I love you so much. I can’t wait for things to get more normal again. I want you back here! I can’t wait! I speak positively- sometimes I wonder if people think I’m oblivious- you know damn well I’m not. I’m going crazy with fear here. But I know you’ll be back. Soon! Woo hoo!

I’m in Evidence right now by the way. I need to go get my midterm. I’m sure it’s not a good grade. My stomach is totally obvious now. There’s no way anyone could look at me and not know I’m pregnant. Yay!!! I’m pregnant!!! Ok, I just had to get that out. Lol. Your mom wrote you a letter. I don’t know if she mailed it yet. I guess I’m doing the writing here for all. You only need me anyway. I’ll be there for you forever. I’ll be your best friend forever too. I started going crazy this morning thinking about when you get back. I have so many ideas about what to do! I was about to start running around in excitement.

Your pics are my wallpaper and screen saver. I just made myself look at a few. Then I couldn’t take it anymore. I usually only look at pictures of you from my peripheral vision. I can’t handle it. That’s how bad I am. It hurts so much.


I wonder what # letter I will get up to. This is # 29. If you’re there two more months…that’s 60! Wow! That’s a lot!

I have a question. Do you want to have ___ christened in a Catholic church or should we have her dedicated at Shepherd? I will leave this up to you, as I am with many ___ issues because she is our baby I am dedicating to you. She is little baby _____y. Either way, who would you like her Godparents to be? This is your call as well. So think about it.

I wonder if they stopped delivering mail to you. I hope not. I hope you got a letter today. Maybe the one I mailed on 3/8…with pictures inside! Now I’m in Corporations. I just heard that in the 1st Gulf War, the ground war was only four days! Man! That gives me so much hope! Yippee! On Wednesday I’ll get my Evidence midterm. Not today. Today I’m zooming off so I can get home in time for the ever-looming speech.

Oh how I love you! I adore you and I’m really proud of you! I just had the nerve to pass Ted a note! I asked him if they will still deliver mail. He said yes. It might be delayed if your unit is pinned down somewhere but that mail comes with the other combat supplies! Yay! Yay! I’m glad I asked. I’m getting more ballsy as I have more and more of a desperation to know stuff.
My pals here are nicer than my “real friends” you know that? I’m interested to see just who contacts me when this thing gets rolling. Whatever! You’ll be home soon and that’s
all that matters!


On the news I saw guys pouring water on their heads- you must be so hot. It made me feel horrible. I so feel for you. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. You are my hero though; I hope you are fully aware of that. Time for me to go honey. I love you and miss you.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
____ ____


The main thrust of Bush’s speech is that Saddam refuses to cooperate with the U.N. and is posing an imminent world danger. “Saddam Hussein and his sons must leave Iraq within 48 hours.”, he said. “ Their refusal to do so will result in military conflict commenced at a time of our choosing.”

Day 46


Letter #28
DAY 46
Sunday, 16Mar03-12:03PM PST, Our bed


Hey my cutie. Well, I guess war will be starting tomorrow or Tuesday. The real moment of truth for everyone. I hope you’re okay. I hope you’re not too scared. I hope you feel prepared and that you keep God close to your heart. I know you will. I keep listening for ways to not be as scared (on TV) and I try to think about reasons everything will be okay. I adore you. I hope you fully realize that all that I mean when I say that.

Anyway, here is ____ playing Transformers and I’m laughing at their small heads like usual.

It’s hard for me to digest the fact that you will not read this until after a war has started, maybe finished. I know you didn’t fully expect this to happen. I can’t wait to celebrate your homecoming. You have NO IDEA! (Yeah you do). Maybe Saddam will go into exile tomorrow…just a hope.

_____ asked why there is all this talk about war. He doesn’t really know what it means. I know you’re going to be okay. I just know it.

Tomorrow I have damn school. I so don’t want to but I have to. People just don’t know what I’m going through. Maybe it’s my fault for not expressing myself? Whatever the case, I don’t care anymore. I’m living okay like this.

I have this dream that you’ll be back by May 19. I don’t know, I just think you’ll be back that day. That would be SO awesome! As long as you’re safe, all is good though. Great, I should say! It’s not raining today. It stopped last night. I hope I get more mail from you tomorrow. I hope I’m sending you enough.

Yesterday I came across the receipt from the Lodge at 29 Palms from where we stayed that night- 1/31/03- 44 days ago. Ouch. I put it in our box with your letters that I treasure.

____ called me a whale yesterday. Lol. He didn’t really mean it though. I cracked up. I know I have a whalish physique right now. Haha! I know you like thin things, but sorry! No thinness here right now! Haha! Yesterday ____ reminded me of when we went to the beach and you went for a swim and we buried you in the sand and then us. Remember? I’m happy he remembers things in such detail.

I don’t think I’ll send any other packages. You do your thing and then they’ll send you home and I will give you all I have in person. I love you and miss you and adore you.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
____ _____


On the board the consensus seems to be that this war is something that has to be done. I see their point. I just don’t quite agree.

One thing I see quite a bit of on the board is disgust with war protestors. Actually it’s hatred. They feel that their men are being denigrated by this. That doesn’t sit well with me at all. ____ and I talked about it before he left and I know that he would understand that there is a distinct difference between protesting a policy and an action and being against the troops.
There’s another girl on the board, “Oceanlvr”, who is far more outspoken about it than I am. She’s pointed out that dissent is patriotic and part of what our men serve to protect. She has also made a few arguments in favor of not going to war. I’ve posted a few times that I agree with her. She has not been very well received. As far as going against the grain of the board, that was it. No one else has disagreed with the “board majority” much. At least no one else has claimed it if they did. It’s not something that bothers me too much right now because politics don’t come up all that often, and I’m getting a very necessary need met there, which is that I’ve found friends who actually understand what I’m going though. So far, there hasn’t been any overt indication that differing opinions aren’t welcome, though they do seem unpopular.



Day 43


Letter #27
Day 42
Friday, 14Mar03, 5:14PST, S. Weddington Park


Hi Cutie. I miss you. We’re at practice. ____ always looks so cute and innocent at baseball.

It’s a little chilly. I’m miserable. I miss you. I don’t know what’s going on. I’m scared, lonely, sad. It’s been six weeks. Wow. Didn’t do much today. Same…slept and watched the news. I wish you could call me. I’m so sad like this. I hate it.

Today they are having all the parents helping coach. I’m afraid ____ isn’t getting proper attention since I’m not out there. It’s not fair. I’m not a coach and I can’t risk having a ball hit me in the stomach. Ok, good. He’s getting a turn.

Some movies that look good are coming out. I’m sure I won’t see any.

Tonight I cooked pasta for the FIRST TIME since you left. No sauce- just butter. I told you I’m not really living! Everything is on hold here until you get back.

_____ needs some baseball help. Lol. This summer we can work on it. I want to do so much with you. Think about what you want to do too. There’s no way I can go to Mo’s on a Friday, I haven’t been there at all actually, But on a Friday it will remind me of us when I see all of the cars across the street at Bob’s. Everything reminds me of you.

The Shell station on the corner is now $2.20. Since yesterday it went up .04.

One dad here is a real ass. I haven’t liked him since Day 1. He has an attitude. Like, every time _____ misses the ball he gets this annoyed look on his face. He can bite my ass.

I haven’t talked to you in 14 days now. I know if there’s any way for you to call me you will. But still I must say: Please call me!

Baby ____ kicks around for you all the time now. If you were here, you’d be pitching, then we’d go to Mo’s, then go see the cars at Bob’s, then home and watch comedy together. Instead it’s just me.

Tomorrow after church I’m having dinner at my parents’ house. Have I told you that after church is one of the hardest parts of my week? It is. Cause you were always there at that
time and it is just this immensely lonely process driving home. Practice is over. I’ll write more later. I so adore you. I love you.


DAY 45

Hi there. It’s pouring today, thunder and lightning too. No game today cause of it. It appears that you got paid $720 before any deductions- loan, etc. You have about $1200 in there. But I’m going to have to use it for rent. The allotments never went through. Don’t get frustrated. I have been writing myself checks from your checkbook so I will have access to some money. Enough about all that.

I have no interest in people. I can’t stand any of my “friends”. All I want and need is God and my husband and two kids. We’ll be leaving for church soon. Even though it’s pouring, we’re definitely going.

It looks like a war is going to start on Monday. I’ve kind of resigned myself to the fact. I pray for miracles though. Just come home safely. I will take care of you in any way I can forever. I mean it.

This morning I kept imagining that one night in the rain we could get two bean bags and turn on the fire place and have hot cocoa by the fire covered in a blanket. We could talk and talk and then we’d get closer, I’m sure. I imagined it over and over again. I can’t wait.

I wonder when you’ll get to call me again. I am guessing in a month. Mid-April. By then maybe the war will be over and you can tell me when you’re coming home. I’m lonely for you. ____ misses you. He’s talked a lot about “_____y Boy” lately.

I’m fat and lazy. Monday I have school.

Once this thing starts I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep much, ____. Even as I write this I’m not so sure you’ll get it until after this military operation.

I love you so much and miss you terribly. You are my life. You are our babies’ lives too. Not just these two but any others we will have in the future. OK? I adore you. I am in a constant state of heartache being away from you. When I get to see you again, I’m going to lose control. I’m going to go insane praising the Lord. I don’t think I’ll be able to stand up! I think about the day I get to go get you. I want to come alone I think. One the drive there I’m going to be in hysterics-overload of emotion. I look forward to that day with every ounce of my being. And I’ll never let you out of my sight again! Haha! I have a feeling you won’t mind that. Also I think about how one day this will be in the past and how weird that is. All this fear and pain and trauma- in the past. It’s hard to imagine but I most certainly can’t wait for that either.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
____ _____


Many of the people involved in ____’s baseball team this season are inadvertently adding to my misery. It’s the fact that some of them don’t seem to give a rat’s ass about me or my son or our lives, which I haven’t experienced in a team setting before. The other team ____ was on was SO different. Everyone was so nice. I actually made some friends! Here, some of them are very pompous, which annoys the living crap out of me. I get this feeling that they think they are “upper class” or something. They don’t know who else anyone is on the team or what their circumstances are to be judging whether they are more “upper class” than anyone else! Sadly, they don’t want to know what anyone else’s life is all about. They only care about themselves. I want to give them a piece of my mind sometimes but decided but have so far decided that I have more important things on my mind than their petty social structures. They make me sick.

Day 42


Letter #26
Day 42
Thursday, 13Mar03, 5:00PM PST, Big couch


Hi baby, how are you? I’m a little down today. I just have that heavy, bleak feeling right now. I miss you so much and life is so bland. It’s like a chore. Writing to you will make me feel better. I need to buy new stationery. Sorry about the boring paper.

So, do you remember the whole Elizabeth Smart ordeal? Teen who got kidnapped from her home in Utah 9 months ago? She was found alive yesterday! Amazing! Some weirdo had her this whole time. It’s really a miracle.

Last night I went into my board’s chat room. I’ve never done that before. It was very fun, so nice to talk to those girls. I will have to do that again. It livened me up a bit. But get
this: One girl said that c-sections are a way to get you home! I’m going to check into that. Maybe you can ask around too?


I’m kind of thinking you won’t be able to call me again until after things are all over. Damn. I need to talk to you. I miss you and love you so much. You are having bad weather there from what I hear. I’m so sorry to hear that. Hot and sand storms. That so sucks. I’m so sorry for you. I love you so much. I’m so tired of this. I know you are too. It’s getting really old really fast. I’m so looking forward to seeing and being with you.

I slept the whole time _____ was in school today. Your mom got your letter yesterday and was happy about it.

____ is a very active little girl in my belly. She wants you!

My ten-year reunion is in June. No way am I going! I’ll be about to pop by then! I wanted to go, but oh well.

No letters today, but I’ve been lucky to get a lot lately.

_____ is watching a show before “Dragonball Z”- it’s not “Dragonball”- they changed the lineup. Tonight, TV sucks. “Jamie Kennedy”is on but it’s reruns. No good reality shows.

I miss you so much. I’m huge. It’s not too bad yet- I can still get around fine. I’m 24 weeks now! Officially near the 3rd trimester!

I hope I get more mail from you tomorrow. Tomorrow _____ has baseball practice and his first game is Saturday. Of course I’m not that into it- I just want you there too. I feel totally blah.

Since I haven’t done anything, I don’t have much to say. But I’ve had a lot of sex dreams about us lately. It’s extremely frustrating to realize you’re not there and won’t be.

It’s going to rain again this weekend. Strange.

Gas prices go up every day, On the corner there at Shell it’s $2.16. Crazy. You’d be annoyed.

_____ is a cute puppy monkey. His behavior at school has been pretty good. He got 3 stars today. He’s been getting all 3s and 4s. He wanted me to tell you that. It’s not too too bad.

_____, I wish we had gotten married already. I’m so sorry. I really am. What was I thinking? None of it matters to me anymore. I’m serious. I don’t care about anything I used to. I just want to be married to you- that’s IT. We could get married in a garage for all I care. I just want us to be married. I know we are married in our hearts for real, but still…you know? Ok, November 7 will be here soon.

I miss you my honey! I can’t wait for the four of us to all be together on a Sunday morning or something, just relaxing and having fun. Man, I can’t wait. I think about the last night we were together too. All of it hurts. How are you holding up? I can’t imagine how hard it must be. I give you so much credit. You are amazing.

Monday I have to go back to school. Damn. But it’s almost over I guess.

I think _____ is getting a bit more excited about having a sister. We talk about her. We talk about you too of course- a lot. But it upsets me sometimes because I miss you so much. I love you so much my honey.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
____ _____

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Day 40


Letter #25
Day 40
Tuesday, 11Mar03- 4:55PM PST, our bed


Today on my message board I read that there will be a day after which no more phones, mail, etc. Now whenever I write I’m going to wonder if it will get there before things start. Do they read and screen the outgoing mail?

Today I got two more letters from you! It’s great!...I LOVE my letters addressed to ____ ____! Yay! And YES, Nov. 7 I am marrying you for sure! I can’t wait! These letters are my journal too, by the way. These are all I write- everything’s in them.

I like that a 2nd Grader wrote to you. That is so special! I’m still hoping for another phone call, but at least I’m getting letters now. It feels like real communication, doesn’t it? Nothing like that hour-long phone call eleven days ago though…

Tonight is the beginning of the top 12 in “American Idol”.(Now each week one contestant gets eliminated).


Still, if there’s any way to break a bone so they will move you to admin, please do it. PLEASE! If they still give mail, you should get this around the 21st or so…if things haven’t started PLEASE see what you can do about this.

I wear my yellow pin everywhere. Like I said, I’ll stop when you touch me and I see your face again.

I’m sorry I didn’t send a camera. Now I don’t know if I should. Did you get at least package 1 yet? There are two.

My heart is injured…only your safe return can mend it. I’d sacrifice anything for that. I adore you. Thanks for the great letters. A lot of them are funny! I miss you sooo much, I love you.
“Don’t forget in times of darkness what He has shown you in times of light.”

____ is kicking- she wants me to tell you hi! Hi daddy! ____ is enjoying all of your letters too.
My cell phone says “____y’s Wife” now.


PART 2 OF LETTER 25

_____ loves watching “Everybody Loves Raymond” at 7:30 with me now. It’s great. We just ordered Pink Dot- we’re going to eat and watch “American Idol”. He’s a pal. Cute round face.

We have a little action figure in camis and we call him _____. Tonight we were playing with him and others (like Batman, Spiderman, etc.) and he said _____ was fixing the guys who get hurt by the bad guys. He really surprises me sometimes. He listens. We’re both really, really proud of you.


Anyway, gas prices are insane here now. The average is $2.07. I’ve seen $2.15 a lot. Can you believe it?

I really like getting letters from you after you’ve gotten mine. It is so great. I’m glad you enjoy my letters. That makes me so happy. And you wanted letters once a week!

Beardog is lying next to me right now. He’s my cutie stuffed animal. I think he’s dusty though. He makes me sneeze. Lol.

Baby ____ has been moving a lot for the past two days. Oh, you would love these Raymond episodes. We have to watch them together. Soooo funny and right on about relationships! I know you’d totally enjoy it!

Tomorrow, I’ll probably sleep a bunch again. Might as well enjoy my spring break! Sleeping is the only enjoyable thing right now. When you get home I want to do so much with you! I’ll do whatever you want for five years! How’s that? As long as I’m with you I’ll be ecstatic.

_____ just told me to tell you, “I like grown-up shows a lot!” Hehehe. Now he said “And “Dragonball Z” is a little different.”

All you need is God, me, _____, and our baby. I know you know that. We all just need each other and God.

“American Idol” is going to start now. It’s a two-hour special. Our food is not here yet, but I’d better go. Oh how I wish you could call me!


Well, we all adore you. You are our daddy-husband. We need you. Love you SO much, you just don’t know (oh yes, you do. You feel the same way. Wow.) That is so awesome!

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____ _____


The girls from my board and I have been having fun since we figured out how to get into the board chat room. A bunch of us met in there and got to know each other. I quickly determined who I clicked with and who didn’t really seem to get me. One girl in particular made me feel horrible when she completely mistook my hyperactivity for something else (I don’t know what) and got snippy with me. It really cut me down to size. I was just being silly because a lot of times on these message boards people from the east coast forget that people from the west coast haven’t seen all of the prime time shows yet, and they post “spoilers” in the titles of their posts. Some of us were warning people not to mention who got kicked off on “American Idol” and I got carried away being “mock angry” about the east coasters. I was totally joking though, and I think everyone else knew it. But oh well.

I really like this cheerful, sweet girl in Texas. Her name is Mindy. She's the 18-year-old, but is mature beyond her years. I look forward to talking to her. She is a Christian and she is very uplifting to talk to. Her fiance has a cell phone so they talk on the phone every now and then. She's so lucky. His job is far different from ____'s though, so while the circumstances are similar enough to have tons in common, they are different enough to have huge discrepencies like that.

I look forward to going into that chat room at night immensely. It’s the only time of day when I actually smile and even laugh. These girls make me laugh, which is no small feat. So logging on is a huge part of my life and, right now, my only social outlet.



Day 39


Letter #24
Day 39
Monday, 10Mar03-5:52PM PST- My parents’ big couch


In one of your letters, you said you wish you could send me something so I can have a piece of you…pie. I have your BABY hanging out in my belly! It’s the BEST! I feel her moving every day.

OH _____! It’s CAMP COYOTE! They just showed a commercial for what’s coming!!! I’ll look for you. I’ll tell you what they say. OH!!! Is 1st Marine Expedition all of California Marines? I don’t remember what you told me, damn.

I wish you would be able to call me soon. But the letters are totally great, wow. I adore you so much. After we watch the Peter Jennings thing in a minute I’m going to shower _____, but I’ll be back. OK, It’s starting… they didn’t show you. Damn.

You should get in good w/ the media people! So they said they call it the “line of departure”, the place you are suppose to cross over from. General Conway and Colonel Groen talked. They showed LAVS (lightly armored vehicles). I’m assuming that is what you called “clown cars”? I don’t know- now I’m scared again. Watching TV scares me. I don’t know…

_____- this is the scariest thing ever. I trust God completely- but I still get panicky sometimes. How about you? I WISH TO GOD I could do something to make you come home- you have no idea. But I pray every day. Oh, they showed church services on that Peter Jennings show tonight too…

I love our baby, ____y. She is so cute! …

I can’t wait until tomorrow to hopefully get more mail from you. I love it.

Oh, I read an article today that said as of today you are on Zulu time??? I really didn’t even know what that was, to tell you the truth. So now you are 8 hrs ahead instead of 11…hm…Now when I think of you I don’t know which time to think of. Now it’s 7:15PM here…So is it 6:15AM there OR 3:15AM??? Yikes. That’s a huge difference! It’s so confusing.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,

_____ _____


Even though I’ve been dying for another phone call, it’s beginning to sink in that I might not be getting one until _____ is done with his job there. I feel like I’ve almost stopped waiting for one on some level. I know I have to be strong and put all of my faith, energy and determination into getting through whatever it is that’s about to occur, and then I’ll get my phone call and my _____y back. I know he has gone there to do a job, and the time is nearing that he will likely have to do that job. All I have to do is hang on through that, and I’ll get him back.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Day 38


Letter #23
Day 38
Sunday, 09Mar03- 3:34PM-Our bed


I’ve lost it again this afternoon. All I can do is sob. I miss you so much.

This morning before I got up guess what I heard??? THE NOSE BLOWER! He’s back! Remember how we used to hear him at all hours of the day and night blowing his damn nose in the shower from all the way in the building next door!?!? I was thinking he was either in jail or deployed. Haha!

Yesterday I couldn’t find a photo booth so I bought a Polaroid. The pics I sent aren’t great but it’s something. I wanted to make sure you could see the yellow pin I wear.

Today was opening ceremonies for baseball. You missed last year too (field). I remember that. I took a picture of _____ in his uniform in front of our door so you can see the ribbon and his Royals uniform. I found myself being bitter today when I saw husbands and wives together. I don’t like being like that.

Doing anything at all has lost its luster. Life is so bleak and drab and difficult to face without you here. I have spring break this week. I’m hoping you get to call me again soon. I adore you so much. This is Day 38. I hope not too many more. I trust in God so much. I can’t wait until you’re back home safe and sound where you belong, with your family.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____ _____

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Day 37


Letter #22
Day 37
Saturday, 08Mar03, 1:42PM- big couch


Hi Baby Love!!! I got five letters from you today!!! It put me in a good mood. I really laughed at the part where you said that they were having modeling competitions! That is so funny and so cute! You will win a BUNCH, I’m sure- just do the _____ dance and walk the catwalk!

I was surprised to hear about the weather- but I just saw on TV that you’ve been having MORE sandstorms! Wow! What exactly IS a sandstorm? I’m picturing it just raining sand?!?! Crazy!

So you get to take showers here and there, huh? Good. And you have church! That is so cool. What is it like? The Lord is so good. I know we both agree on that.

_____ is writing you a letter. He is telling me what he wants to say, then I’m spelling the words for him, then he is writing it. Very cute. Also, today when I came in with the five letters he was on our bed. I sat down and he turned off the TV to hear me read them out loud. It was so cute. So I read them out loud! It was great.

You know how you said you don’t care about material things anymore? Neither do I. All I pray for is your safe return. I could live in a cardboard box with you. As long as we’re together as a family that’s all I need and want. I will be happy for the rest of my life with just that. Oh I just love you so much. I thank God I have you.

Today I was telling _____ that when you get back, every week we will walk to coffee. He can ride his bike and we’ll push the baby in her stroller. It made me cry to tell him. I want that so much and I just can’t wait. I trust in God so much. He has given us so much.

I will try to write down two poems I wrote on 2/28…it was a low point. I figure I will let you read them even though I feel a lot better right now. Opening ceremonies for _____’s baseball is tomorrow morning. Closing ceremonies is June 7. I hope you’re back by then. I adore you. I just love and miss you so much. It’s been over a week now since we’ve talked. (I just looked on the internet- it would cost thousands to get over there. I want to come. I want to see you.)

DESCRIPTION OF MY LIFE POST-DEPLOYMENT OF MY SOULMATE _____ _____
Deep despair. Bleak dark existence.
Rhythmic pain inside my heart and chest.
Loss of control over the contours of my soul
Tears that well up as I turn each unoccupied corner,
sometimes even when others are around.
Excruciating bodily trauma within.
Barren atmosphere
Weakness ready to sweep me off my feet
And leave me unconscious on the ground from fainting
Powerlessness completely unfamiliar
No one around me can help
No one has any more power than I do
Only God.
But I cannot tell Him what to do
There is nothing I can do but pray
All I can do is double over in throbbing pain
And emit wails of grief and fear
And all I can do is to roll flash memories through
my mind-
Ones that hurt me.
2/28/03



_____ Being Away
I’ve never dwelled so deep and low inside of myself,
and I have often dwelled lower than most could ever know.
I’ve never brainstormed so actively
And repeatedly reached the result that I am back at square one.
I’ve never been so far out of control of my emotions
That I can be at any place at any time
And crumble to pieces-
Pieces of total weakness and total nothingness.
No amount of money, no intelligence, no connections, and no perseverance


Can heal me
Because none of those
Can change these circumstances.
Nothing is sweet.
The most I can feel is bittersweet,
Which hurts almost more than the sour.
What kind of existence is this?
And why didn’t I act while I could?
I would now.
2/28/03

Day 36



Day 36: No letter

Monday, March 06, 2006

Day 35


Thursday, 06Mar03-8:36PM-our bed (Day 35)

Hi sweetness. Right now I feel REALLY pregnant. My belly hurts. It’s being stretched out like crazy by a moving baby sweet.

Tonight Bush made a speech. Same crap. He didn’t say anything new. I don’t understand this. It’s becoming more and more clear that he really wants to go to war. I’m really becoming afraid that no matter what Saddam does to try to comply we will be going. I pray that I’m wrong. The whole thing scares me.

Also, STILL no _____y mail. I’m getting pissed! It’s already March 6!!! Hey, tomorrow is March 7- 8 months til our wedding! YAY!!!

Anyway, this is Day 35…I haven’t seen you in 35 Days. How long do you think they’ll make you stay after this thing is over? Approximate for me…a few weeks? A month?

Man this sucks. I’m bummed out. I’m wondering if I’ll get another call from you tomorrow. I did two weeks in a row! Oh, it felt good to talk to you last week. I hope you’re here when ____ is born. I just want you by my side. It will be very comforting. I just love you so much. You are the greatest. It’s hard to wait. I know you know that better than I do.

Oh, on “60 Minutes” last night it was the Army Bravo Co. How come they have a Bravo too?

Did you get that first package yet? I hope so. I adore you my love. I hope I can talk to you again soon and I HOPE I get a letter from you soon, although I’m losing hope on that- why do you think I haven’t gotten anything??? WAAA!

I love you sweetie. You are my soul, deep within my soul.

________________
I approach my mailbox, just like I do every day. My heart is beating out of my chest, and my palms are sweating. Inside my mailbox could be another huge letdown or something better than what Santa leaves under the tree on Christmas Eve.

I open the mailbox and there is only one letter there. The letter has what seemed to be blue checkered squares on the outer rim of the envelope. It looks like Air Mail. I excitedly take it out of the box. IT IS _____Y MAIL!!!!!!!!!

I start jumping up and down screaming and squealing at the top of my lungs for about 30 seconds before I run across the courtyard into my apartment, yelling, “_____! _____! A letter from ____!”
“A letter was there!?”
“Yes! Look!”
“Open it!”
“Okay.”
I sit down behind the front door and get comfortable on the floor in the hallway. I don’t know why I choose to read it right there. I read a few lines to myself, and then read them out loud to _____, paraphrasing or omitting where necessary.
I start laughing hysterically.
“What?” asked _____.
“_____ is so funny! Guess what they did? He said at nights they have a little talent show to pass the time where they all do their thing and then they judge each other. Whoever wins gets to sleep an extra 30 minutes the next morning. He danced.” I laughed.
“Did he win?” asked _____.
“No. He probably did the ____.” I giggled.
____ chuckled.
“_____ misses us very much. He will write again soon.” I start crying.
“Are you crying cause you miss _____?”
“Yeah."

__________________________


Friday- just to let you know, I FINALLY got a letter today. Of course it made me sob. Did you guys ever have a bible study? How come they don’t let you play Game Boy? I’m glad you are on automatic pilot- it’s the best thing for you.

This just hurts so much. And that day WAS one of the saddest ever. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, on so many levels. I pray for you every day. If there is ANY way, PLEASE do something to get yourself out of there. You are so precious and I adore you. I’ll write more tonight. I love you.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____ _____

_____________________________
The climate among the troops in Kuwait that I’ve seen interviewed has increasingly become, “Look, if this war is going to happen, let’s get it started so we can get home to our families.” I see the point of this, and one part of me feels the same way because I’ve heard a lot of talk about how this will be “in and out” and a “cake walk”. However, I’ve also heard that this could be the next Vietnam.

I don’t want there to be a war. So even though it’s tempting to hope we just could “get it over with” so I could see _____ soon, I have to go with the “I’ll wait for him” side of it because I know he’s relatively safe as long as he’s sitting on the Kuwaiti side of the border. The discomfort of the waiting is really harsh, but _____ is safe in the interim, which is really all I care about.




Sunday, March 05, 2006

Day 34


Letter #21
Day 34
Wednesday, 05Mar03-7:10PM-our bed


Hi Cutie Pie! Today my yellow ribbon pin arrived! And my mom put up the ribbon she made on our door! It’s a brown wicker heart about six inches, and a yellow chiffon ribbon over it, like the drawing I’ve enclosed. It’s much prettier than that, lol. I’m so proud of you! So I’m all ribboned now.

So- they are showing the Bravo Co on CBS II tonight- but it’s the Army I think. I’ll let you know though. …

I haven’t reset my mileage ever since that day you left- 1/31. It’s at 2,000 now. I’m not resetting it until you’re back. Every mile is a mile I drove in heartache, believe me. And I still use your shirt as a pillow case.

Still no letter from you (besides the first). It’s already day 34!

I’m hoping by mid-May you’ll be in my arms again. That would be GREAT! I’m hoping you get to call again soon. I hope like last time- from a pay phone and a long talk! It was so great to CONNECT with you after 29 days!

I don’t have anything else really interesting to tell you. I guess I’ll continue this letter tomorrow. I adore you, my soul mate.


Day 33


Letter #20
Day 33
Tuesday, 04Mar03- 7:44PM our bed


Hi my cute! I am scared. The news scares the living crap out of me. They are saying war will be declared soon. I am praying it can be avoided. I need you safe. Why in the hell is this happening? I’m just really scared. I love you so much.

My mom made me a yellow ribbon for our front door. I haven’t seen it yet, but I can’t wait.

I still haven’t gotten a letter from you since that first one. Can you believe it? Sheer insanity! It’s already day 33!

Sleeping on my stomach is no longer possible. I can be at an angle but not straight on it. She moves around a lot, our cute baby!

We’re waiting for “American Idol” to start. It’s the Wild Card show- two more will be selected- it’s a second shot for nine people the judges thought were good but didn’t make it the first time. Entertaining!

I just adore you so much. I can’t WAIT to see you. I PRAY it will be SOON! Ever since I talked to Ted, I feel a little more positive and cheerful. I have hope that you’ll be back soon. I can’t wait! I want to be in your arms. I want to kiss you all up. I want to bite you all up too. I want our naked bodies to be all wrapped up in each others. And our naked souls too. We are going to have the best marriage ever!

Wow, my dad said he likes Bush but he’s against this war. I am shocked! It's so not like him! I’m proud of him! We’re ALL pro-troops but we want you home safely- no war bullshit. I adore you. I love you.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____ ______


Day 32


Letter #19
Day 32
Monday, 03MarO3- 7:30PM-our bed


Today is 03/03/03-it’s supposed to represent the Holy Trinity- a day of prayer for our troops. So God Bless You!

We went to that lady Karen’s house for dinner last night. It was nice! About 12 people were there. Jim Jones from school was there. So was Ted. So, listen to this! Remember how I told you I feel weird asking Ted about Desert Storm? Finally I said fuck it and I talked to him. Guess how long he was in Kuwait!!! 67 DAYS!!! That’s it!!! He was with artillery but he said even infantry was there only like a month longer than he was! _____, that gives me hope! 8404 (yes, I do listen to you, ya numb skull!)

I eat SO badly now _____y. I need to stop so I’m not huge at our wedding. I’m so lonely and stuff, that’s why.
You know what I was thinking? You are so sweet. You used to always stay til the morning when you were at Pendleton, even though it was such a long drive, and not leave on Sun. night. You rock! You are so good to us. I can’t believe I got to have someone like you. Thank the Lord.

I’m going to ask my mom to make a yellow ribbon-like wreath for our front door. Since I don’t have a tree, I thought that would be good- along with the one I’m going to wear. I’m all wrapped up in my cute, adorable sailor love. I am completely and totally obsessed with you my sweet _____y. Everything I do is about you.
Your sister is sewing our baby a blanket. So is your mom. So is my sis (knitting). ____ will be one warm and cozy baby! Little Baby _____y! Yay!

I adore you. I’ll send you pictures soon. I pray for you every day and thank God for what we have every day. Baby, I’m praying you’re back by May. That would be so awesome. Pray for that too, okay? Pray you get home safely and soon. I’m sure you do. I love you. I miss you. I adore you.

Love, your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,

_____ _____, The Baby _____y’s Mama!

___________________________________________

At school there is this guy Ted who used to be an 8404 Corpsman and was in the first Gulf War. (8404 is the number that identifies a Corpsman with a combat specialty). This is extremely comforting to me. I hang onto some of the information I get from him and use it to get me through some of my harder days, even though much of it probably isn’t relevant in this situation. When he was there, he never even went into Iraq. He stayed in Kuwait the entire time, which gives me great hope that _____ may never cross into Iraq.

Maybe if a war starts, the majority of it will take place from the air, and _____’s unit may never even be needed. Ted also told me that he was only deployed a total of 67 days. _____ has already been gone over 30 days so when he told me that, it was one of the best things I've heard in ages! Sometimes I’m almost convinced that _____ could be nearly halfway done with his deployment.

He told me that even in the height of warfare mail is delivered by air when possible and that no, unfortunately the Corpsman does not just sit in the little armored vehicle while the Marines shoot, and only come out if someone gets hurt. He’s actually outside the whole time along with the Marines. I guess I really already knew that, but I still feel compelled to cross-reference it with anyone and everyone I come across who has any knowledge on the topic, hoping always that someone might give me a different answer.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Day 31


Letter #18
Day 31
Sunday, 02Mar03, 3:58PM- our bed


Hi sweet love. You called me two nights ago. It was so wonderful, such a miracle that you got that chance. It was amazing to get to really talk to you after so long. I thank God for that. Still, I am really depressed. It’s so hard.

Yesterday I slept a lot, we went to church, then to my parents’ house. My mom made bacon, eggs and toast and we watched “Charlotte’s Web” in my sister’s room. Today we went to Travel Town. It’s a place with a train museum and park. I took _____ to a party there last year. I remember that you were in the field at the time and I was depressed. Funny, now this. That was strange to think about.

Military life is definitely not for me. I am so dependent on you for daily life. My quality of life has gone straight down the drain since you left. I don’t enjoy anything. Wherever I go, either I’ve been there with you so I cry, or it’s somewhere I’d like to go with you so I cry. It sucks. I want to tell you, you will NEVER EVER get a “Dear John” letter from me. You know that. So don’t worry. I am totally miserable without you. Every breath I take literally hurts.

Today on my message board I found out about militarywives.com and I ordered a yellow ribbon pin from there. When it gets here, I will put it on and I will wear it every single day until I see your face again. I can’t wait to get it. I cried while I was ordering it. (Me! Cried? Shocking!)

Now Iraq is destroying their Al Samoud 2 missiles. Maybe we won’t have to go to war? I pray for that. Everything is basically the same here as it was when you left. I was thinking about what you said on the phone, how we have so much good and this is just the bad we have to deal with, and I agree. We do have a lot. As long as I have you I’ll be okay.

_____, did you like the ultrasound picture? I sent it to you.

I’m going to this lady from school’s house for dinner tonight, Karen. She invited _____ and me. I kind of don’t want to go, in all honesty. But I think I should because it might help me to get out of myself for a while. Plus, I've never really socialized with anyone from law school because I had _____. I've never cared to find a babysitter and go out with people. It just hasn't been a priority to me. But since this is something I can bring him to and I got the distinct feeling she was trying to be “neighborly” since I am obviously kind of downtrodden right now, we're going. You know, it really made me realize that I only talk to other people because you’re not here. If you were, I’d be happy living on a desert isle, just our family. I don’t care about anyone else. No wonder I’m so miserable with you gone!

Hopefully I’ll get another letter soon. I’m glad you explained that the reason I got the first one so soon was that you mailed it from the airport- I thought I was going nuts.

I’ll write again tomorrow, okay? Hey, The Anna Nicole Show, season two starts tonight! Hahaha! Luxurious! I adore you, my love.


Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
____ _____ ( I started signing his last name)

Day 30


Last night, Friday, February 28th, after I had gone to bed, my phone rang. It was _____! This time we had a very clear connection because he wasn’t calling from a DSN (Defense Switched Network) phone. He had accompanied a sick Marine to Camp Doha, an Army camp, several miles away and they had an AT&T trailer with pay phones there. Like I said, the Army has better accommodations than do the Marines. He took the golden opportunity to slip away and call me. We ended up talking for an entire hour! During that hour we regressed to a time when we freely laughed, joked, and reviewed recent life events as if we had all the time in the world.

It was very therapeutic to hear his voice like that again, and to make that kind of a connection. It was a blessing that we were given the chance to have that conversation. Only in the last few minutes, when I knew the call was drawing to a close, did I begin to feel pangs in my chest and my breathing become restricted. It was so hard to cross that barrier from paradise to purgatory in the blink of an eye as he hung up the receiver. You brace yourself, momentarily cringe, and then sit and mourn for several minutes, staring blankly at the wall.

After that I sat and stewed in my apartment again with no way to get in touch with him, knowing I’d have to wait for the day he’d call again. He was on the other side of the globe somewhere, boarding an ambulance and taking a Marine back to a Marine camp with no amenities. I was going back to comfortable and safe bed.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Day 29


Letter #17
Day 29
Friday, 28Feb03-10:23AM Wills and Trusts Class


Hi Sweetie. I dreamt last night that you were coming home. I was dismayed when I woke up and realized that I had only been dreaming and in fact you are still sitting out in the sand wondering if there is going to be a war or if you are going to get to come home anytime soon.

I’m afraid to be in class today- you called last Friday. I’m going to go outside in between classes to see if you call. I haven’t gotten another letter from you. I’m bummed out about it.


I am so disappointed. I had done a whole side of tape for you on the recorder I bought. I finished it yesterday. Well, all of a sudden I realized the tape was broken! So all of it is gone- my whole family talked on it and so did Donna and Gavin. I got really depressed when I noticed it. It really let me down. My dad said he loves you on it. I will probably start another one after I’m over my heartache about this one.

Today I was early so I drove down PCH for a while. I drove past Leo Carrillo beach where we sat on the rocks and talked and we saw crabs.

I’m trying to have a pain-free day. It’s very hard for me. I’ve been in a lot of pain this past week. Mental/emotional pain. I’m going to have to get myself to the doctor one of these days. Don’t worry though- I am really strong inside. I just want you to know that you are greatly missed. I am not doing that great anymore. The first three weeks were easier. I’m not sure why. Now it’s becoming unbearable. Come back soon.


Yesterday _____ had his first baseball practice. There are a few little brats on his team who were pissing me off. I don’t want him to be hurt. It is so beautiful to see him out there- so uninhibited and innocent. I love it. The park we went to is a new park it Burbank. You’d really like it. It has a nice play area, a field, and a skate park. I can’t wait to show you.

In my dream last night I went to Wyoming. I went to your house to wait for you to get home. It was kind of fun.

Going on my message board has been helping me so much. I’m making friends on there. Lately, I like them better than my real friends.

Oh, that Marine on “American Idol” made the top 10. I was happy for him. Lucky bastard.

Today I had my Evidence midterm. Yuck.

I am anxious for church tomorrow. It is the one place that I feel comfort. No clue what I’ll do the rest of the weekend. Not looking forward to that part. Imagine, I actually like the weekdays better than the weekends because I usually have things to do during the week, whereas on the weekends I spend an awful lot of time wandering around the apartment aimlessly, like a zombie, crying off and on.

I’m so damn worried about you. I’m terrified. One month down, huh? It’s been 4 weeks now. Wow.

I’m going to step out of class and see if you call. I’m a nerd I know, but you called at 12:10 last week. Time to go outside and stare at the phone. I’ll be back.

You didn’t call. :( I guess you couldn’t. I can’t wait to talk to you again.

I’ve heard about war starting around March 17. What have they told you? I wish and pray for a miracle all the time. I don’t want war. Mostly, I just want you back here happy and healthy. I so adore you. Thank God I met and have you.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____

Day 28


Day 28- No Letter

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Day 27


Letter #16
DAY 27
Wednesday, February 26, 2003; 10:16AM Wills and Trusts Class


Hi there! How are you? I’m alive. I’ve had a hard past two days. I’ll be okay.

I wanted to tell you, if you think I harp on you too much, I’m sorry. I honestly think you are perfect. I just have a rough personality- when I call you an ass I don’t really mean it. I’m just really sensitive. But I want you to know that I adore you and think you’re perfect. I don’t know what made me think of that today. I just wanted to let you know.

Yesterday I got really low. I started to feel desperate. I need you back here. Do you think you could injure yourself- not badly, but enough to come home? I know that’s asking a lot of you, but I am fading here. I’ll be okay. I just want you to be okay. I’m really worried. Okay, enough bad stuff now. I’ll change the subject. I’m trying to trust God. I just get really nervous and really worried.

I still have only gotten that one letter from you.

Oh, on the news yesterday they showed Marines from 29 Palms- Camp Coyote??? Is that where you are? I’m figuring you are. I looked for you but I didn’t see you. I wish I could go there and visit. I was honestly trying to figure out how I can do that. But I realized I wouldn’t be allowed where you are. Is that right? If there was any way I’d get to see you, I would find a way to go. I am honestly desperate to see you. It’s making me crazy. This is so hard. It’s hard because I am scared. I am petrified. How much danger are you in? I’m so afraid. Talk to me about this. Reassure me if possible. But I want to know the truth, even if it’s bad, okay?

How long after a war do you think they’ll make you stay there? Give me an estimate, okay? I’m trying to live here. Not easy. I am telling myself you’ll be gone 18 weeks total. That would bring you back June 6. When you get back, will you have to be at 29 Palms for a while or will you go back to Point Mugu right away?

Sorry, I’m in a really strange mood today. I’m making this letter suck. It’s just that I can probably live through March, probably even April. May is going to be tough once finals are over. Once school is out I need you back, k???

On my message board, anti-war sentiments are not tolerated. They equate it with anti-military. I just keep my mouth shut. I’m not anti-military but I don’t want this stupid war. I just want you to come home.

Gas is so crazy now- it’s like $1.99 to $2.01 for 97! You would hate it.

I’d live in a cardboard box with you. Honestly. I’d do anything to be with you. Anything at all.

Oh I voted for that Marine a bunch of times on American Idol last night. He was good and I also feel like preventing him from going over there. He’s married and he has a baby. I’ll let you know if he makes it to the top 10. I’m betting he will.

I can’t WAIT to marry you! I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH. I adore you.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____

I’m working under the assumption that the Marines are the invaders and the Army are the occupiers. That’s what _____ has told me is the general template. That’s why the Army gets all the good stuff built for them and the Marines gets all the makeshift garbage. Because the Marines are there short-term to “take stuff over” and the Army are there for the long haul. They occupy. I see this as both good and bad. It’s scary because Marines, including _____'s unit, have to go in there and do all of this scary combat-related stuff, and it’s great because they get to get the hell out of there soon after.

I spend a lot of time, especially at night, thinking about how literally the only things you need in life are the people you love and that if you don’t have those people, nothing else counts for a rat’s ass. Not a rat’s ass. Really and truly, even if I had access to anything and everything the world has to offer, if _____ wasn’t one of those things, I wouldn’t want to live on this earth. And likewise, if I had to trade every single one of my material things for access to _____, I would do it in a heartbeat and never look back because I know what the alternative is. My life before I met _____ over 15 months ago was lonely and loveless. It wouldn’t even be a consideration. It’s something I’ve had never had the unfortunate opportunity to ponder before. And I feel the circumstances are so desperate that the whole muse is a very anxiety-fraught one with no resolution whatsoever except a personal vow to appreciate what I have once I get it back, God willing. And then I just pray and pray and pray.



Friday, February 24, 2006

Day 25


Letter #15
Day 25
Monday, February 24, 2003; 10:21AM Wills and Trusts Class


Hi My Love. How are you? This morning I saw my friend Vicky from school. I told her about baby ____. I’m drinking this nasty Sierra Mist right now. I’m trying to stay away from caffeine, at least for the time being. I met this girl at school this morning whose boyfriend is over there too. He’s with Recon is a Marine unit. Might you know him?

I miss you saying sweet things to me, like I’m your perfect love and I’m your princess. I’m hoping I have mail from you today. A need a _____y letter. Do you like getting my letters? I want to be able to keep you company. It keeps me company too. The only company I want in this world is you.

_____y, please come home soon. We all miss you- especially me. I’m so lonely without you. I need you. You are my wallpaper and screensaver now. It's the pictures of you that your dad took when he visited for our engagement party. Some are of you in uniform and some are of us before the party.

I’m sorry you have to be there. I’m so sorry.

I hope you got a shower. I heard you get one every two weeks? Is that accurate?

I’m so lame- I had the urge to drive to 29 Palms the other night. Just to be where we last were together. Isn’t that crazy? It was like the closest I could get to you. It’s frustrating not to be able to have immediate contact, or even close contact for that matter. Oh, but your phone call did wonders for me, thank you. Call me again soon if you can. Just so you know, I’m paranoid because I should have been in Tax class when you called and I would have freaked out if I had missed your call. Man that would have depressed me. Remember, I’m off Tuesday and Thursday, but still- whenever you can get near a phone try to call me. _____, school, internet, and TV are my main distractions. God is my main comfort. Don’t forget about the shooting star we saw.

What do you think about? Or do you try not to? For me, I mostly try not to if it is something that I think will make me cry. If not, I let myself think. Especially I imagine you in bed with me cuddling and stuff all the time. I still sleep with your shirt on my pillow. My mom and I were laughing last night about how when you get back I am going to get on your nerves so badly! I hope you don’t mind too much! You are my life.

I want to BBQ again this summer by the pool. I want to walk on the beach with you too. I want to take Sunday walks with you too. (getting teary now, damn). I want to take daytrips to find a place to move to. I want to go back to Sea World with you and go to Trophy’s (drunken steak- yum yum!) I want to do baby stuff with you. I want to go to different aquariums with you. Ok, I’ll even try biking with you. MAYBE even camping.

It’s raining again. I don’t like driving over the canyon in the rain. It’s a bit scary. But I won’t mind if it rains tonight so I can listen to it in bed.

Three other girls on my message board are pregnant besides me. I will be so happy when I don’t have the need to go on that site anymore. I go because I need to. I can’t wait to not need to. I’m glad to have them- it’s nice to know people I don’t really have to “know”- it’s good contact with the outside world, yet privacy, for me.

Tell me what you want and I’ll send it to you. Magazines? Food? Let me know. Do you need any personal hygiene items? Just tell me what I can do for you to make your life better.

Soon I’m going to start doing more organizing. I will get everything in tip top shape for when you get back. Well my love, I will end this novel of a letter now. I love you, I adore you, I miss you, I need you, I’m waiting for you.
Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____

________________________________

One of the things I’ve noticed is that I’m still alive. Like in the morning when I’m leaving my building’s garage, I’ll be thinking about how strange it is that, in spite of the fact that I am 100% not okay and nothing is normal about this situation, the sun is shining and I’m leaving for school and I’m able to turn on the radio to listen to the news and hear what’s going on in the world that’s going to impact _____ clear across the globe.

I’m not dense and I know most people would say, “Sure, life goes on.” But the thing is, I am not like most people. Not by a long shot. Every shred of my being would have led me to believe that the sun would not be rising over my apartment and I would not be able to get out of bed and go to school and I would not have the strength to turn on the radio and hear people discuss things that were going to impact the love of my life and my family. Why, if the world is so starkly different, does it look so much the same?

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Day 24


Day 24- No Letter

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Day 23


Letter #14
Day 23
Saturday, February 22, 2003; 3:44PM- our bed


Hi Baby! Today I went to coffee with Candace and studied a little. It’s a place near her house in Hancock Park called Sugar Plum. I really wished you were there. I felt like such a big nasty cow next to her since she's not pregnant. Oh well. Candace was going on and on about how nice my ring is. She loves it. She bought me a soda and a sandwich to celebrate ___'s impending birth.

I got the mail today and there were no new letters from you still. Just that one from last week. Hopefully Monday. I miss you. I feel pretty empty inside without you here. It makes me want to cry.

Soon it will be time to leave for church. I hope you can come home soon. I’m hoping for May or June. Have they said anything?

Tonight I can’t wait to lay down with _____ and watch TV and relax. My fat ass might get us McDonald's.

You know what? I’m feeling a bit depressed again. I thank God I got to talk to you yesterday but I still miss you so much it hurts inside. I’m doing well overall, but I need you. It was so good to hear your voice. Now I’m crying, damn it. We’re waiting for you here. We’re keeping our bed warm, your car safe, and your baby tucked away for you. I’ll write again tomorrow. I adore you. I think about you all the time and my heart and soul crave yours.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____
_____________________________

It was neat to see Candace, since I've known her since the 7th grade...but again I couldn't wait to get back to my comfort zone- the computer. It's almost an escape from reality. Or maybe it just lets me burrow myself more deeply into the reality that is now mine, the one that the rest of my world simply doesn't share.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Day 22


Letter#13
Day 22
Friday, February 21, 2003; 9:30PM- our bed


You called me today! It was the most awesome thing ever! It really took me by surprise. When I first answered and you said,“There’s a delay, don’t hang up.” I thought it was you but I wanted to be sure before I got excited. And yay! It was my love! Aaaaaaah! Thanks so much for finally calling! Call again soon, ok?

Donna and Gavin are here. They are sleeping over. She got us Mo’s Delivery tonight. I showed her the ultrasound video. She said the baby looks like _____! Hahaha! Anyway, I’m getting mighty huge. My stomach has grown a lot lately. I’ll have someone take a picture one of these days. I’m a damn butterball turkey.

I feel alive again since I talked to you. I was going downhill the past 2 days. Seriously, I was getting pretty depressed. Now I can’t wait to get more mail from you! I posted on my message board how joyful I was.

My mom doesn’t like the name ____. I told her when she goes off to the Persian Gulf and I am madly in love with her, maybe I’ll let her have a say in names. She’ll get used to it! I was so happy I could tell you it’s a girl! Did you remember that I had my ultrasound? Were you calling to find out the sex?

What time do you go to sleep at night? Or do you sleep during the day? The Lord is so good to us. He knew I needed a call. I couldn’t hang on much longer without one. And I got one! So much good lies ahead for us. I am so excited about the future. I adore you. I know you know that. And I can’t WAIT to be near you again. I want us to be wrapped up in each others’ arms. I miss your warm body. I want you to hug me and our baby. I miss kissing your lippies and your face. I have thought about a lot of special things you have said and done that have meant the world to me. I miss you tons. Think about how happy we’ll be to be together again. I’m going to stick to you like glue! Thanks for wishing me a Happy Valentine’s Day on the phone by the way. That was sweet. Tell me about your new friends there. I hope they keep you good company. I will write again tomorrow.

Love, Your Lovey Love, Your Wife Forever,
_____

______________________________________

Most of my in-person friends seem to have fallen into one of two camps. There are those who contacted me in the first day or two and asked me if I wanted to hang out and have dinner with them, and when I said I’d take a rain check haven’t asked me again, and there are those who haven’t contacted me at all yet. I opted for rain checks because I was in a state of shock, disorientation, and depression and didn’t want to socialize in the “normal” world quite yet. In fact, I still feel that way. The fact of the matter is that a man that I lived with, that I saw and spoke to every day of my life, has, for all intents and purposes, disappeared off of the face of the earth. I can’t see him, speak to him- I couldn’t contact him if I had to. He is not on this earth as far as I am concerned. It's as though he has been wiped clear off the planet. The only thing I can do is mail a letter and know that in four or five weeks he will read it. To realize that he is poised to go to war makes for a very sinister and surreal reality. I feel like saying something to them like, “So forgive me if I don’t readily agree to grub some Baja Fresh and gossip with you and pretend all is well with me so I don’t make either of us feel uncomfortable.”

I’m not blaming anyone for this. I wouldn’t know how it feels either if I wasn’t in these shoes. But I am.

My real friends now are found on the Internet. They know what I am going through. They understand me. Even my parents are letting me down to some extent, although they are by far the best friends I have and are trying very, very hard to help me. But when I call them and they say, “Let’s hope that when they cross over to Iraq the place isn’t packed with land mines,” I don’t find that highly encouraging.

I chat with my Internet friends all the time. When I'm going to log on later than usual at night, I think, “Shoot, Mindy and Bianca are going to be wondering why I'm not on yet.” We're really developing friendships. Both of their fiance's are Army Reservists and are Military Police. Mindy is only 18 and lives in Texas and Bianca is 20 and is in San Francisco. I have a lot in common with both of them; They are really good people. I hope I can meet them in person one day and thank them for getting me though this.